Boundaries let people know where they stop and you start. Boundaries let others know how they can treat you, if you can't show someone that you love and respect yourself then it's hard for them to do so. Boundaries are not controlling, manipulative, or blaming. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
When you make a boundary you are choosing for yourself how you let others treat you. When you make a choice you empower yourself. I have decided this is how I will be treated and I am responsible to myself, I am not a victim because I have a choice in my life.
Boundaries are about stating what is unacceptable for you, and why. She then has a choice of respecting the boundary, or ignoring it and facing the consequences. If you don't enforce the consequences....then don't bother to set a boundary.
Quote:
How to set and enforce boundaries:
Setting the Boundary:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . .
Quote:
Quote: Enforcing the Boundary:
If you ...(a description of the behavior you find unacceptable.)
I will ...(a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.)
Puppy describes the difference between boundaries and controlling:
Quote:
Quote: The best way I can answer is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
