What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[bluerain]

Apparently my W had done some research on the women that I was texting and told me all that was wrong with them....$luts. “I don’t want my children around them”.she said, “Oh really, I better stay away from them?” I said.

Normal- very typical response from a WAW when we move in a direction like this. Make sense? nope. Just imagine her stamping her little feet and saying "Do as I say, not as I do!"

I felt compelled at that time to write her a letter and tell her what really I felt.

Next time you feel like doing this, I strongly urge you to come on here and either post your letter for feedback or tell us what you are planning on doing- this usually isnt a good idea. Maybe her saving it is a good sign, but Tridoc, if she is involved in an A, you saying that you love her unconditionally is not going to be a positive, it will be seen as weak.

...diet coke. Personally, I think the stuff is poison.

I am a diet coke fiend! Yum!

She has been warming up to my behavior. Little things like the above. I’m not going overboard like I did before but I’m just working nice things whenever I can without being too pushy or pursuing. I am starting to hear her sweet voice come back. Our phone conversations aren’t very long but those and her texts seem nicer.

Just be careful. Stay a little distant, you can be kind to someone without being sweet. Thats what I would encourage for you. And when she deserves for you to be sweet by being respectful and a good marriage partner, then by all means...

I called her and had a short conversation after the text. She said her phone was still in airplane mode last night. I don’t believe her. Every time a plane lands she always switches it on. I since have texted her a picture of the kids “We miss you” at lunch without a response.

I thought that this was a boundary for you? This is why it is so important for us to not lay down boundaries until we are ready to enforce them %100! And you cant take a boundary back, that just makes everything that you say seem like you dont really mean it, so it will make her doubt everything else that you say. Consistency is key, with our boundaries, changes, all of it, consistency is absolutely vital.

I have been concerned about her having a tryst in Phoenix ever since she made those plans back in Oct. and she knows it. She wouldn’t change the plans despite me being on call all weekend and she had to find a number of people to watch and take care of our kids. I thought this was irresponsible and a bit selfish, but that’s just me.

I think that you have a good reason to be concerned. I also agree that it was irresponsible and selfish, and not totally unlike the behavior of someone who is having an A.

I think she wants to get a rise out of me. I’m not going to bite at this one. I am going to play counter-intuitive and not even check on her anymore. I’m going to ask her if she had a good time and make nothing of it when she gets home. She will have to call me if she wants to talk. There are no further trips planed and I feel that this is the ultimate test of trust.

Good plan, this distance will protect you and make her curious about why you arent calling and pursuing her. I wouldnt be surprised if she called you to see if you have been in touch with your "lady friends".

She seemed so upset about me meeting up for coffee with some women, and exclaimed “ not until you are divorced” I can’t possibly understand how she would be doing anything herself.

Really? You cant understand? Have you read any of the other threads around here? I wouldnt be one bit surprised to learn that she wants to have a 25 year old boyfriend and would be furious to find out that you were even speaking to other women. I dont usually go for the 2x4s, but really...

I think that the rest of your attitude sounds good, but I will again caution you about the "nice things" that you are talking about. As far as her having an MLC, sure, it could be happening. I think that people have crises, not always one that can be labeled specifically as an MLC, but that doesnt mean that they are any less devastating, just less common. Shes the right age for an MLC, but from I have heard from you it sounds like shes seeking validation and self esteem with the athleticism, breast implants, belly button ring, etc. She wants to feel good about herself, and is searching for a way to do that. IMO anyway!