I keep hearing about this "acting like you don't care" thing...is there any situations on this board where that has worked? Any real life proof? I feel that if you act like you don't give a crap less about someone that has left you then your making it easier for them. Who has had success with this? Anyone?
You've got it wrong. You don't act like you don't care in order to get your S back. You work on detachment and drop the rope because you decide you will be in control of your own emotions and not react to someone else. You do it because it gives you space to work on becoming the best person you can be. You do it because you believe you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and will not tolerate anything less.
And yes, if you do it for the right reasons, it works. If you do it for the wrong reasons then no, it won't work. Your S will see right through you and rightly accuse you of only doing something to get them back.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 01/14/1006:08 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
That is what I guess I need to do. Let go and move on for me. Not because it will get my W back. She and my sitch fill my thoughts 24 hours a day. I think of everything I can do to get her back. Maybe I just need to let it go and work on ME and my emotions as you say...and see what happens with her.
Let me amend my previous post: it CAN work if you do it for the right reasons. Some marriages just cannot be saved. But if you DB for you then you'll be in good shape no matter what happens.
But yes, it did work for me.
Sorry for the TJ BillM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
So, I've stopped eating at the house with the family. Stopped hanging out there.
We've had joint finanaces up until now. I sent an email to W today that I've changed my direct deposit to go to my personal account, and that we're going to have to talk about how we're going to pay the household expenses.
She called me up and said that she's extremely hurt, that I'm going to leave her in thr lurch, said I was acting cold, and that she realizes she's making a really good decision and that my feelings for her are not sincere. Then she hung up.
Nope, I didn't say anything mean or defensive, I just said "this is what happens" - in regard to dividing our finances.
I'm picking up the boys tonight to have them for the weekend.
Well, carrying on with the rest of my day. Pain in the a$$ divorce.
After this, I dated a woman for a time - which, if any of you remember the debates at the time - I've come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea. Don't do it
HOW Come? you wore protection? tell us you wore protection! damn bill.
Dont worry 50% of us have it. you probably had it before you just never knew.
But Dont do what? the double finger prostrate tap tap tap tap. woohooo. That will get you everytime..... Scared the sh!t out of you didnt it?
Strange course of events. Came to the house, fought, talked, hung out, ML, stayed over, ML again in the morning, hung out all day, went to a movie. She's experiencing more emotion she can handle and admits to being confused.
I've had similar situations happen. This time around she had a 1-nighter back in June last year, then due to her sexuality we had another woman over in July (which was not a good idea considering our position). My W said she wanted to watch, and through my stupidity I agreed. She got jealous in the middle & walked out. I think her reasoning was part guilt, but it was an excuse to start an EA. That guy lasted a week or 2 before she found out she was nothing more than a POA. Her next EA turned out to be more "rock solid" in her head and she left. They went through some rough spots and she broke up with him, making her lonely. I was upset about being her "backup plan" as I called it and actually refused to be her crying shoulder after she left OM. She went downhill quick and I didn't catch her. She went back to the same OM, stating that she wasn't as hurt over leaving me as she was over leaving him. I told her my thoughts on this, that she replaced me with him and him with nothing, so maybe that's the grief over me finally coming out. Sounds egotistical, probably is, but still probably closer to the truth. Of course she hates it when I'm right and I don't get an answer. At the time DBing didn't fit entirely in my boundaries, and I doubt if they entirely do now. I do consider myself her friend, which is what she was asking, and my reason to her for not being her crying shoulder is that my needs in the situation in relation to our R was more than she was willing to commit to. She went back to him, lied about it, and I found OW. The night WAW found out about OW is the night they started dating again in front of me, and she still denies she was back with OM before she found out. We were instantly friendlier until I opened up about flaws with OW and said I was going to leave OW already because of OW's problems, not because of W's desire for me to. That meant that I wasn't slipping away as she feared, and I was still an option down the road. Communication stopped again because I told her I hadn't "dropped the rope" as they say. My goal right now is to still leave OW, get another OW, and not cave instantly when W wants to know how the new R is. I say whatever WAS is doing in terms of R's, follow suit. Above all tell her OM is outside your boundaries if she wants to stay and you won't have it anymore.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
So - what a weekend. We were intimate multiple times this weekend, I stayed over Friday and Saturday nights. This is big.
She said a couple of times, this isn't going to be a regular thing, but it kept happening over the weekend.
We had a coversation today - she mentioned going to Disneyland again. I said there's a long road between here and there... we're talking about family therapy, now my job to set it up.
I didn't want to push it, I didn't want to say everything - so after some discussion, I said, let's leave it there, and she agreed it was a good idea.
She's felt a lot of anxiety at times over the weekend too, and I admit I've had my moments. She's afraid that I'm going to be angry later - and it's true, when we have good moments, I've had the reaction to turn away - because I HAD decided I was done, that I know I can't trust her, so I've had moments where I've gone back and forth with my demeanor.
Anyway. Now I'm daring to hope again. And it's scary to do that. It was hard to leave tonight, and she was a little more distant - though she went from saying "can you leave after the boys go to bed, I need some time to myself" to asking me to stay and watch TV with her.
Anyway, it seems that the moments that I send her the terse emails, put up the walls, are the moments that spook her.
I still question if I can ever really trust her again. But I guess I'm officially DBing again now. She's not giving indication that she's changing her mind - just saying that she's got a lot of things that she's thinking about. At one moment, she summed it up saying, we had a big fight, and then we had a bunch of sex to release. I'm not sure she believes that, but she might be able to explain it away that way.
