This is going to come out jumbled etc. Hopefully this will bring everyone up to date on where I am, my thoughts etc.
Last update brought me up to around the 31st of last month. I told the wife when I left that I'd be back before the New Year. While I was at the beach I decided I was not ready to go back. I had no desire to see her and didn't feel ready for any kind of talk. Dates are sketchy in my head.. because I don't pay attention to them anymore. Hey, I often find myself looking at my computer's clock to figure out what day of the week it is! If it wasn't for the board I would probably have forgotten about Christmas... Anyway...
On the 3rd I climbed on a bus and headed back to hometown. I checked into a motel there. I spent the week scoping out fully furnished bachelor pads to rent on a month-by-month basis until the D is final. I found one and have since moved in. I took a few days to settle in and get things sorted out. During this time I kept to myself.
If I look at dates, I gave Mrs Gno her my signed copy of the D papers on Friday, Dec. 18. I packed and left that night to go to the beach. I did not speak or see her until this Tuesday. (Hang on while I count it on my fingertips... that comes to 24 days) So I dropped my bomb and flew off the radar for three and a half weeks. In DB terms it's called going dark. Most people go dark as a last resort technique with the hope that their spouse contacts them and/or misses their presence. As you know this was not my intention.
I took the time to do my mind dump and dissect our 12 years together. I went into deep introspection of how and who I was: - before we met - the good times - the bad times - during the marriage and now And from there, who I will be in the future.
From there I reflected further on myself. I asked myself the following questions and let them stew...
- What do I really want? - Was I really happy during my M or was I compromising all the time? - Where did I lose my perception of self? - How did I lose sight of who I am to become who I'm not?
From there I came up with a list of my wants in a partner. This is a partial list:
- A woman who WANTS to be with me - Who supports my dreams and will give me the freedom to pursue them. - Who does not mock my efforts or ridicule them - Who realizes what she's got and doesn't compare me to others - Who confides in me and values my opinion - Who understands how much I value privacy - Who doesn't measure success with material possessions
I also grieved the loss of my M and partner. I realized that I've been living in delusion. The woman I married and the woman in my life, just like the man she married and the one she has now, are very different people. They share different values and interests, different outlooks on life. Perhaps this is what I realized two years ago and I ignored my intuition... who knows. We are both to blame.
This is where I'm at. I won't go into detail on our dialog on Tuesday. All I can say is that Mrs Gno has been slammed against the concrete wall of reality... and she realizes it sucks. BIG TIME. She does not look good and seems to have aged. Her cocky attitude and ice-cool hardness had disappeared. In short, I suppose you could say that she's a wreck. Be careful of what you wish for...
The D settlement terms are as fair as I can make them. She will keep all the possessions, the car etc. I will keep my clothing and some personal items and the bulk of the cash to start up a new life somewhere else. I think she was under the impression that she would be walking away with the bulk of the assets and cash, to leave me high and dry... sorry my dear, life don't work like that.
I will pay the essential bills for the rest of this month and the next. She is going to need to look for work and a new place to stay ASAP because I won't be supporting her. She put her family, their needs, desires, priorities and opinions above my own, so they can step up and support her now. (Which I know they won't). Note: This is not bitterness talking, this is reality. I can't afford to look after her and put her needs above mine anymore. I must look out for myself and my own well-being from now on.
I was asked the following question by a few people I know: "What can Mrs Gno do to turn this around?" The answer I gave them at the time was, "I don't know." And I still don't.
The next question that comes up is "Do I love her?" Yes, I do, and now it's my turn to add, "but I'm not in love with her." It's a strange feeling. I still have my ups and downs and question and second guess myself frequently. This is to be expected. Sadly our minds and feelings can't be switched on or off at will. I know that these mood-swings will haunt me. Time is the only erosion force that will smooth out the jagged pieces of my life. Knowing it doesn't reduce the pain of experiencing it, I wish it did.
