Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

C-Bart. No on the NMMNG book. The non-date didn't happen. I got out of my basketball game late. Some poor girl snapped her ankle and just screamed in agony for 20 minutes.

The lady I was going to meet ended up having to work late writing up an offer on a duplex.

No big deal. I needed to rest after a long, emotional week.

I am going to go out tonight for a while.

I am ready for the meeting tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see how W handles it.

[Kemper]

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow CTH.

[ClingingToHope]

W moved the meeting back a half hour. I went to church today and after they invited people with troubles up to talk to the pastor. He prayed for me to continue becoming the man I've always wanted to be both for me and for my daughters. Perhaps W will notice the changes someday, but that's out of my hands.

Lord give me strength to not become defensive or argumentative. I need to listen what she feels is fair and then go from there. This is not a day to discuss what got us to this point and why it can't be fixed. Today is for business.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm just emotionally exhausted. We talked for about 45 minutes. I should be doing flip-flops. She's willing to grant joint physical custody and lower my weekly payments. She realizes she owes me about $30,000 and has figured out a way to get it.

The only complicating factor is the house. The payments are killing her but she can't stay in it much longer. So she'll have to get it on the market.

Try as I might, I couldn't act all happy. The look on her face was pity sometimes. She got a little emotional when she talked about the kids and how she couldn't go five straight days without seeing them.

Otherwise, it was the same look I've seen on her face since the start. Certainty. Certain that she doesn't love me anymore and may have never loved me. Certain that a divorce is the only thing that will make her happy. Certain that there's no point to attempting to reconcile.

I'm certain that she's wrong, that she did love me and does still, it's just buried under depression. I'm certain she'll realize it someday, but she may be too stubborn to ever admit it. And I'm certain this is going to be the tragedy of my daughters' childhood.

No matter how much I knew it wouldn't happen, I still hoped she would say this is all a mistake and we should try again. When will I give up hoping?

[C-Bart]

Good job working through this with your W. Sounds like you got some of what you wanted.

If your anything like me the hardest part was probably when she was complaining about not seeing the kids. This just kills me. When my W starts this its a combination of sympathy and frustration. You just want to shake her and say "this is the situation you created you big dummy."

I'm not sure that a WAS ever does a 180 like we hope. Its more of a phased approach. The longer you can hold off the D the longer they have to realize they have made a mistake. Also the longer we have to improve ourselves for ourselves.

You did good!

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not sure I'm postponing a D. It seems like I'm helping speed things up.

Man, my feelings have run the gamut. After W left I talked to my aunt and sister to get me through the day. Then I went to a movie with a friend -- the wife of a friend of mine, he's out of town and she was bored.

We ate after and she's not a believer in divorcebusting. She is into chivalry and said she'd want me to be fighting for her.

I do wonder if the D train just keeps plowing forward if, at some point, maybe the day I have to sign, shouldn't I give it one last emotional appeal. Just say we promised God we'd love, honor and cherish each other forever and we'd gotten through so much -- the death of mom, her dad, a flood, D7's struggles with ADHD -- that's so much to throw away.

Then, I decided to swing by the house to see if the girls and her were there. It's on my way home. They are off school tomorrow so if they were home the lights would be on.

No lights. Remember W had asked me if I wanted the girls tonight. She's pulled this before, offering me an extra night with the girls, but in actuality basically using me as a free baby sitter.

She's off work tomorrow so she probably had a chance to head to this little town 30 minutes from here where her best friend lives and there's no one that I know so she won't have to worry about anything getting back to me.

So I turned down the chance to have them. If she wanted to go out, she was going to have to them stay two straight nights at their grandmother's house. They like it there, but not enough to stay two straight nights. There's not much to do there.

It looks like the pull of the party was more important to her than what the girls wanted.

So now I'm mad again and wondering why I can't just let it go. I need to get that deal we talked about today signed sealed and delivered.

[awest1217]

It sounds like you are getting exactly what you wanted so that is a good thing. Of course, it is still a horrible situation, but it is awesome that W is willing to work with you and you didn't have to fight for what you want. On the girls, a word of warning from a teacher standpoint. It is best school wise if they have one house they go to every school day because otherwise you have one routine for schoolwork and W might have another and well...the work doesn't get done. Like I said this is just from being a teacher and seeing this happen to many students. It is funny, but now you have to work with W more than ever when it comes to school, especially with joint physical custody because you want to make sure the girls are getting the same routine both places and getting all work done. You should also notify the school once you have a plan because they might send home two sets of paperwork to notify both of you of what is going on at school, projects due, important dates, etc.

Hope everything continues to work out, and with an agreement you can move on with your life like you would like. I do agree with your friend's wife a little, especially since you know she has been crying, there is some change of heart, maybe if you see an opening, letting W know you still don't want this might be good.

Have a great week!

[ClingingToHope]

Yes, Awest, if the D train continues to rumble on, before it is final I will make one last emotional appeal. I'll do it even if I get my heart handed back to me in a box. If I don't, I'll always wonder.

And even if it doesn't work, we'll have 10 years of co-parenting where she'll see me and the life I'll be building.

I just have to remember that I've already overcome a lot in life. My parents moved around a lot when I was little so I was constantly having to build new sets of friends.

My parents divorced and I had to overcome that.

My first professional job paid just $8 an hour and I thrived then.

The school thing is very, very important. The key to having a good year this year has been hiring an after-school sitter whose No. 1 job is to make sure D10 gets her homework done.

D7 is starting to have more homework so it's getting dicier.

Really, the schedule we're discussing isn't different than the one we have now. I have them one night during the week and every other weekend and I see them after school for an hour.

So really the home base will be W's with recognition that it's a 50/50 parenting commitment because of the after-school time and summer camps. I'm the one who typically picks them up because W can't get off at 5 p.m. and that's usually the time they have to be picked up.

[awest1217]

It is good that you have the school part under control. I have seen many kids who learn quickly that they can just "forget" about work. Then they blame the home arrangement "I left it at dad's house and I am not there tonight." Then parents start blaming each other and it is a mess. The student learns they can get away with it and never learn any responsibility. Its sounds, though, like you guys are doing what is best for the girls and working together for them so that is good, and could be good one day for the two of you as well.

[ClingingToHope]

D10 is big on excuses. But she also knows I will leave work no questions asked if it's a homework issue so she can't pull that.

One thing W said Sunday that bothered me, but I let it slide, is that she just hopes D7 gets through school.

D7 is extreeeeemmmmmeeeeeellllllyyyyyyy intelligent. It's just that the ADHD makes her very strong willed and difficult to handle.

I have no doubts that D7 will thrive as long as we don't give up on her.