Today has been interesting. I got up early with the boys and spent time with them. During the morning I also created a list of big ticket items that my W and I had to figure out how to split due to the upcoming separation. W came out of her room around 11:40 while the boys were eating lunch.
I left a few minutes later to go have lunch with a friend. We were out for a over 3 hours and had a good time. On my way home I received an email but didn't check my phone until I got home. When I got home I read the email and it was from W. She was asking for a bunch of documentation for her L. I responded to her letting her know that my L had it.
I walked in the door and noticed that she had marked a bunch of stuff down on the list I created this morning. For the most part we were in agreement with the exception of one item.
After that I walked upstairs and she was in our oldest son's room putting clothes away. I let her know that my L had the information she was requesting. She asked me if I could tell my L to send it over to her L. I told her to let her L know my L had it and her L could ask for it if she needed it.
I also told her that the list she marked up pretty much matched what I was thinking with the exception of the one item because I wanted it as well. I asked about our sons furniture and she said she didn't know. I told her that we needed to work it out since it would be cheaper for us to work on it then to leave it up to the lawyers. She agreed but was aggravated.
I asked her when we were going to talk with the boys about what is going to happen. She said that since she was the one that had to tell them that she would tell them right before they moved out. I told her that I wanted to be there which she has been known all along but I guess it took her off guard for some reason. Her aggravation was increasing and I asked what was the matter.
She said that she was tired of this. I asked what she was tired of and she said she was sick of seeing me and didn't want to be in the house with me. She was also pissed off because of the letter that was drafted up between the lawyers for her to go out of town last week. I stopped her and said that while I don't have an issue with her feelings I do have an issue with her saying what she was saying in front of our oldest son.
She started walking downstairs and as she was walking away I said that at least I wasn't the one that went outside the marriage. (note this is the first time that I have said anything about her A to her) She started to say that she didn't and I just said stop, we both know you are lying and it is disrespectful and extremely unattractive. She made some statement about me saying stuff that wasn't true and I started walking away. She made another comment about me being disrespectful and she proceeded to go to her room.
A little while later my oldest son and I were downstairs and she came down dressed (not in PJs) with an overnight bag. I asked if she was staying out and she said maybe. I just asked if she would be back in time for me to goto church and she said yes.
My oldest son and I went upstairs and then she came up to say goodbye to him. The youngest was still sleeping.
So the good thing is I am home with the boys and get to spend a bunch of time with them. I honestly can't wait for her to move out but I am going to miss my boys when that happens and I feel sorry for what they are about to go through.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Did I miss something? Why are the boys moving out of their home?
Why did you feel it necessary to shame her about the A? Was it because you were hurt by her comments? IMHO you should not have asked her what was wrong. Not your job to fix her emotional state. Only thing you accomplished was shifting her focus away from her issue back to you as the problem. You may have been trying to convince her she was wrong which is a kind of pursuit.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
The boys are moving out of the house because based on what my L is saying a judge would be hard pressed not to allow them to move out since my W has been their primary care taker since they were born. She is a SAHM. The other option would be to put them in daycare full time during the day which is cost prohibative and honestly not in their best interest. Since they are not in school I don't have any means to have them stay from a legal perspective.
As far as the A goes I just wanted her to know from my mouth that I am aware of it. I know that her L has told her through my L about it but I wanted it to come from me. Was I trying to shame her, no.
I was not at all hurt by her comments. Those were her feelings that she needs to deal with. I was only concerned about her saying what she did in front of our son which I said to her.
I agree that it isn't my job to fix her emotional state. I guess since we have really talked in so long it was habitual to ask what was the matter. Something I need to keep in mind moving forward.
I know she is wrong, and I would guess that she knows she is wrong. To be honest I wasn't trying to convince her of that. I am still moving full speed ahead with the separation because it is the best thing at this point to see if she will come to her senses.
If she doesn't I will move on, if she does then there is a long road ahead.
After reading your response I can see where the comment about the A and asking about her feelings might have been a backslide. I do not regret the conversation as I was not angry, yelling or anything of the sort. I was calm and quiet in my interaction which is a 180 for me and for us for that matter.
Thanks for taking the time to post. I will continue to be as dark as possible with my W still in the house.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
I agree with what C-bart had to say about the A. However, she has been your best friend for a long time. To have that person say such cold and meanful comments is very hard to process. My W has said some of the same stuff, and because we still care about them, not asking what is wrong or trying to fix things is contrary to how most of us have acted during the course of the marriage. I have been guilty of these types of comments way to many times. Shake it off!!
As far as fixing I can relate. After all I'm a man by birth and an engineer by training. That's what I do is fix things. I wish I could fix my W but that's not my job. Never has been.
BTW, the bag and heading out for the night sounds like a good old fashion sh1t test. You handled it well.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Kemper, I just missed her which was good, apparently after her and S9 got here around 2 she took a nap on the couch while he played his new PS3 game and D13 holed up in her room. It is just amazing to me how detatched she has become from her own children, I just don't get it. I read many sitches on these boards and I don't think that I have ever read one where the mother abandon's the kids the way my W has with our kids. She told me on the phone or when she was here this morning that she would like to have my S9 after church for a couple of hours tomorrow, I said okay, no problem. But there has been no confirmation with me and I asked S9 about tomorrow and he said that my W never said anything about it.
The other thing is that during the MC session on Wednesday, my W's counselor told her that she needs to be attempting to call D13 and or texting everyday to let D13 know she still cares about D13. Not once since then has she called, I suggested to my W that she call today to let D13 know that she was coming over, she said she would just hang up. I replied that I am staying out of it from now on, you need to deal with D13 directly.
My W's PRIDE is getting in the way of having any type of R with our D13, I don't see how she calls herself a "mother".
Sorry for the hijack....whoops.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
