If you are tired of her crappy behavior then don't allow it anymore. It is SO simple. You cannot control her but if you set boundaries her crap behavior will not be a part of YOUR life anymore.
At the very last, after this latest disaster you should be telling her: W: This will NOT happen again. I will no longer alter plans to accommodate you or your family on my weekends with the children. If a special day (b-day or whatever) happens to fall on my time I will make plans as I so choose.
In a matter of 24 hours your wife has:
*Changed plans on YOUR night with the children and as per usual, pitched a hissy fit when she got the slightest indication that she was not in charge.
*Shows up at your house when it is convenient for HER and has so little respect for you that she just bangs on the door and assumes you will be there (alone) and you will again accommodate her.
*She enters in YOUR bedroom (personal space) and chatters away while you are in a TOWEL. Attempts to extract information from you about your employment (don't think there isn't a reason she is doing this) and you TELL her everything she wants to know.
*Leaves you with the grunt work of getting the kids showered then basically tells you to bring them back to HER house because you are too stupid to dress your OWN CHILDREN properly.
*She ruffles through papers on your table that don't belong to her and without having to do any digging, you spill all the details despite the fact she should not be TOUCHING anything in your home.
Oh, and part of the reason she acted nice and interested about your job was simply to throw you a bone so you would do what she wanted about the van.
Wow, she sounds like quite a prize. If you are so tired of her and the sh*t she pulls then STOP LETTING HER.
Isn't this the same woman that won't even allow you in HER house unless she has approved it? Fine, that is her boundary. Yet you are okay with her barging in unannounced to boss you around, invade your personal space, look at YOUR stuff without permission and leave you with the grunt work in regard to the children. All on YOUR day with them?
Hi, I am responding to your question of me being a WAW and how far gone I was and how long it took me to get back.
Perhaps everyone thinks their stitch is different, but as we read the newcomers threads we don't find too much different in the the WAW who left her H for OM. Some don't have OM and just want to get out of a lousy MR and try to find happiness in the time they have left.
However...my sitich really was a bit different (lol). Oh, the signs and actions on my part weren't that different, but.....well, let me start over. I don't want to bore you and I'll try to keep it short, but if you know much about me, you'll know that's difficult for me to do.
The thing that seemed a tad unique about my stitch was I thought I should have been past the age for any of that sort of thing ever happening to me. I was in my late 50's. (Shhhh....don't tell anyone on the board. Just kidding. I kept refering to my age until some of the ones who used to be around at that time...threaten to gang up on me and beat my behind if I didn't stop.)
I was raised in a very strict, but loving Christian home. I did not have many material things growing up, but I was given a wealth of spiritual inheritance from my parents. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, so I conducted myself with honor and walked the straight & narrow all thoughout my growing up years. Then I got M to a wonderful young man. We both were virgins when we M and I felt that was pretty special. I just knew our M would be perfect! Wrong.
From the day after we M, problems & troubles began knocking at our door and I couldn't possibly begin to tell it all and it isn't necesarry to do that. Just take my word for it....we've been through the mill. Had my first baby ten months after we M and I was such a child myself that I was no where ready to be a mother! Suffered from Post-partum depression but they didn't even call it that back then. Doctors called it the baby-blues and I didn't know it could hang on for so long.....but another subject.
I did suffer with depression throughout our M. I even left my H for a few days when our baby was still little. I know it was b/c of the effects of my hormones being messed up. I was so desparately unhappy.
Anyway, we raised our family in the Church and I threw myself into trying to be the kind of W who did all this stuff like the "Total Woman" classes taught, and the "Light His Fire" teaches. When I was younger it helped, but it still wasn't what it should be and I was unhappy.
The one thing my H always threw in my face was that we didn't have sex often enough. It started when I was pregnant (due to being so painful for me to have sex) and after my first child was born....and I realize now that my hormones were out of balance...and stayed that way all those years, but in this rinky-dink town there are no doctors who help women like that. I didn't even know about all that until I started hearing it on TV and begin to do some research. That was not until recent years. Then I couldn't find a doctor to help me until this past year.
My H was a very quite (too quite) man. He was never involved in any "fun" things nor did he socialize with other people very well. He would not talk when he came home from work and all he seem to want to do was watch TV. He never talked about his feelings, and being a female...that's what I wanted to discuss. So, I went all those years that my emotional needs were never met. I tried every way I knew to reach him and let him know what I needed from him....and each time all he could say was if we had more sex it would take care of everything else. Can you imagine how that turned me off?
As the years went by and I kept praying and begging God to give me the feelings for my H that a W should have, I finally.....FINALLY begin to feel desire and would initiate having sex with my H. That was very hard for me b/c that just isn't "me", but he had wanted me to--so I was trying. For the first time in our M, I felt like we were going to finally have a "normal" sexual R. Then......wham! My H just stops! No explanation.....nothing. If I asked, he didn't give an answer. Remember, he didn't talk. He could just stare at the TV and pretend I wasn't in the room. It caused a lot of resentment in me b/c he had blamed me for decades about rejecting him and not giving him enough sex. Now when God was finally working that out for me.....well, you get the picture. Talk about thinking "how ironic"!
So much stuff happened between all those years that I can't go into, but my H had stopped sleeping in our bed. In fact, he would stay up watching TV when we first M and when we had sex, he'd get back up to watch TV and I would stay in the bed. He did that thoughout our M and I asked him to go to bed with me at the same time as I did b/c it was important to our R. I saw him as stubborn and selfish for not at least trying to compromise about that. If he wanted to get back up after I went to sleep....fine. So, my emotional needs were not met through physical intimacy or through verbal communication.
Okay, gosh I've go to start finding a way to get this narrowed down. I actually began to withdraw more and more from him. Over time, my respect for him grew worse by the the year. That's a long story, too. He was passive, and I hated it. Still hate it, but he's done a completet 180 on himself where being passive is concerned!
We both suffered from some health problems. Mine is chronic and he even finally used my conditon and the fact I never felt good as the excuse as to why he stopped having sex with me.
So, then we had many crises that took huge tolls on us, and finally there was one that I couldn't shake. I was so depressed and he had ignored me so long until even my children noticed it. When I reached the place I could no longer do my jobs in the Church, I did not have that "outlet" and the depression and lonliness grew deeper. I began to try to find something other than TV b/c I was burned out on all those stupid shows. I started playin an on-line Internet game. If anyone tried to flirt, I immediatly deleted it and found somebody else. You see, all the years I was M, I never looked at another man. Never was tempted, never flirted.....that just wasn't "who" I was. Then I met a "friend" and it was simply that and he had a great sense of humor and made me laugh. I begin to rush home from work and couldn't wait until I could contact him to play a game. That was the only social life I had had in .....well, couldn't remember last time.
Eventually the flirting started and I thought it was "fun" b/c it didn't get....you know. But then he saw I was getting emotionally involved and when he told me, I thought he was nuts. So, we had a spat and I deleted him. That's when I discovered that I had a "need" that I wanted filled and I was going to find somebody to help do that. So, I began to flirt with others and one thing led to another until I was "lost". I was so deep in a fogged out state of mind that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I couldn't even think normally. And the crazy thing is that due to my fogged out mind....I didn't have enough sense to realize this was all going to show up on the computer.....and most of all, is showed in my behavior. A blind man could tell something was going on!
My H confronted me about my activity on the computer and he had looked at the history and knew everything. I was embarrassed. I was crying. He was sweet and told me he loved me and knew I wasn't myself and that I was addicted and that I had to go delete every contact I had made. I asked him if I could tell them good-bye. He told me yes. I was crying like somebody had cut my heart out. But I sent an IM and told each one bye. I went to bed thinking....that was that and my life was dead.
A couple of nights latter, this box pops up while I'm on-line and it's from one of the male contacts I had met. I don't know why or how he was able to do that, but probably had a way of still hooking up on line. Anyway, I grabed him like a person who was drowning. And.....that was the beginning of my EA. Those other men I was flirting with was just fun & games to me. Inappropriate behavior, but I wasn't serious about any of them. But this one, I opened up my feelings & allowed him in.
My H found out. Told you, I was so stupid and thought my H didn't know enough about computers to find out, but I was wrong. He snooped! He had OM investigatetd! So, he confronts me again, but this time he was no Mr. Nice Guy! H lost his tempter with me for the first time in our M. I left the house and figured that I was leaving for good. I did not say one word to him while he was yelling at me and I didn't say anything when I left. But he knew where I was headed.....to my mom's. So, he calls her before I get there and tells her I'm coming and to just make sure I tell her "everything". That has been so hard for me to deal with and that's why I had a hard time coming around to the principle of "exposing the affair" b/c I know how it affected me when my mom found out.
Due to the other "crises" we were having at the time of this disaster......I decided I best not stay with my mom right then and go back home. The next day, I was so upset that I had to take off work. We talked, but didn't resolve anything.
It went on for a long time. I did not stop contacting OM.....I just figured out a way that I could do it without being caught. It was horrible. I never want to experience what I went through! I couldn't stand the sight of my H. I couldn't breathe if he came into the same room where I was. I stayed in one end of the house and him the other. We said as little as possible to each other and of course, he was well practiced at that. He was watching my computer activity and thought that I had stopped contacting OM. But I hadn't. And, OM was pushing for a PA. Oh, btw, OM lived out of state, but he had a very nice job and could arrange to meet me anytime I gave the word. But, I kept putting off.
Now, here's the thing different in my stitch, ....I was ready to walk out, and had even discussed in length with OM my plans of where I would live, etc. You might say that I had my hand on the door knob ready to leave. Something.....(God)....reached my deepest part of my soul and reminded me that this is not who Sandi is! Oh I tried very, very hard to stay in my fancy dream world I had created for me and OM. I had even went as far as to tell my kids that H & I were having trouble and I was thinking of leaving. I would try to imagine how I could get them to accept OM in time. Sickening!
Kevin, I was a grandmother and here I was dreading to see entering into my 60's b/c it meant I had lost my youth, my looks, my sex appeal, etc., etc. Never had my age been a problem in the past. Never was like some women who freak out at turning 40, not even at 50.....but then wow. It just hit me that I was old. Having physical limitation didn't help me feel any younger, either. And when I started receiving all these flirtatious contacts and they would see me on the webcam and carry on about how "beautiful" I was.....yada, yada, yada....and I just felt like somebody had given my ego a big piece of chocolate cake! That was what got me pulled in and addicted. And as long as the OM was giving me that ego food.....I loved it and couldn't get enough. Or...so I thought. Maybe there comes a time when it's all on line that you just keep saying the same stuff over & over and it has no depth anymore. He wanted PA, and I knew if I ever went to PA that there would be no turning back....ever. I would forever be changed. That is what really kept me from doing it.
So my soul was in tourment and I began trying to find a Christian chat site and the one I did find was a joke and I told them what i thought about them and left it. Then the next place I stumbled into was here. Maybe God pushed me and I stumbled. Oh, I was so rebellious and my heart was far from being ready to give up OM. But, thank God, I had the right people on this board to find me and talk to me and kept talking to me until I finally was free of OM and was working on my MR. It was so hard, Kevin. I was in such a mess and was embarrassed that a person my age would be carrying on in an EA and having symptoms of a MLC when I was past what I considered ML.... Since then, I've read others doing the same thing. I read some in there late 20's wondering if their S is in MLC, so I don't think it has to be mid-life in age.....it is simply a enternal life crises. Thankfully, mine did not last as long as I've read about others and most of the people who read my thread didn't think I was having a MLC. I have thought back about the time I felt the symptopms starting and until I begin to pull out of the fog and start to feel more myself....and it was probably 3 years of it. But it was like a slow incline and then slowly declined. Anyway, if I had not had this board, I don't know what kind of mess I would be in today.
My H did not have DBing skills and it was mostly me who had to make the decision to do what I knew what the honorable and right thing to do. I had not been acting like a Christian, but I knew myself well enough that I could not live the rest of my life without my God in it. And, I was pretty sure He wasn't going to be in it if I continued down that road with OM. I don't usually tell people how long it took me to stop contacting or this or that b/c it's too discouraging for them. They start measuring it against their own stitch and that's not good. My heart goes out to LBS who have a WS in MLC b/c if it had been the other way around in our case.....I don't think I could have endured it. And, I have to tell you that if it had not been for the Lord intervening, I ......well, I will always believe He rescued me. However, I don't usually tell people this, Kevin, and it's not to keep praise for the Lord, but it is so that people won't get the idea that they have to do work. I had to do work.....plenty of work. I was the WAW and I had to make changes and my H didn't have the information your guys are getting on this board, so it wasn't easy. I felt like I was the only one on this boat that looked like mine. I guess what I'm saying is that I want to offer people hope and encourage their faith, but not to the point they think they just get to lay back and say, "Well, if God wants us to be together, then He'll have to change her mind and make her come back home." I know what some people mean by when they say that......but I also see a certain amount of not wanting to put forth any effort on themselves, so that is when I usually stay clear of the faith talk. Faith is not laziness.....lol. You know what I am trying to say, don't you?
I guess I need to stop and give this a rest. I know you didn't ask for all of this history, but since I never had really talked that much to you, I thought I'd tell my story. At least part.....lol. Hope I didn't bore you. The length of this post just may have broken my record!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much for the wonderful post, Sandi. I don't often read longs post but, I made it through:-)
I liked the part about faith. My pastor always says even Peter had to make the effort to get out of the boat. Sometime faith means getting your feet wet.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
It didn't bore me at all. I found it very insightful. So even though you were the WAW, you were still the one that had to put in the work to change things. And you did. And your H finally came around because of changes that you made in yourself. That is pretty inspirational.
I agree that we can't just have faith and expect God to fix it for us without us having to put in any of the work. And the work is definitely not easy especially maintaining it every day and not letting up no matter what circumstances look like.
I appreciate it Sandi,
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
If you are tired of her crappy behavior then don't allow it anymore. It is SO simple. You cannot control her but if you set boundaries her crap behavior will not be a part of YOUR life anymore.
At the very last, after this latest disaster you should be telling her: W: This will NOT happen again. I will no longer alter plans to accommodate you or your family on my weekends with the children. If a special day (b-day or whatever) happens to fall on my time I will make plans as I so choose.
In a matter of 24 hours your wife has:
*Changed plans on YOUR night with the children and as per usual, pitched a hissy fit when she got the slightest indication that she was not in charge.
*Shows up at your house when it is convenient for HER and has so little respect for you that she just bangs on the door and assumes you will be there (alone) and you will again accommodate her.
She assumed I was in the shower and couldn't hear her is why she was banging on the door. Truth is, I was and actually couldn't hear her.
Quote:
*She enters in YOUR bedroom (personal space) and chatters away while you are in a TOWEL. Attempts to extract information from you about your employment (don't think there isn't a reason she is doing this) and you TELL her everything she wants to know.
Failure on my part for not setting a boundary right there.
Quote:
*Leaves you with the grunt work of getting the kids showered then basically tells you to bring them back to HER house because you are too stupid to dress your OWN CHILDREN properly.
I guess she had other ideas of how she wanted D8 to look. But point taken.
Quote:
*She ruffles through papers on your table that don't belong to her and without having to do any digging, you spill all the details despite the fact she should not be TOUCHING anything in your home.
She didn't touch any of it. She just looked over at it. And yes, I did give her a general idea of what I am working on, but not enough for her to be able to do anything with it.
Quote:
Oh, and part of the reason she acted nice and interested about your job was simply to throw you a bone so you would do what she wanted about the van.
The van I had already agreed to sign over previously. I just hadn't done it yet because I haven't been given the title to sign over to her.
Quote:
Wow, she sounds like quite a prize. If you are so tired of her and the sh*t she pulls then STOP LETTING HER.
Isn't this the same woman that won't even allow you in HER house unless she has approved it? Fine, that is her boundary. Yet you are okay with her barging in unannounced to boss you around, invade your personal space, look at YOUR stuff without permission and leave you with the grunt work in regard to the children. All on YOUR day with them?
I know. No I wasn't overly thrilled with it. But I didn't set a boundary either. It does seem like when I set the slightest boundary, she tries to push on it more. Interesting.
We did D8's birthday party. It went very well. We had plenty of kids show up and D8 had a great time. She got to eat pizza, play lots of games, got lots of presents, etc. She had a good time.
During this time I had dropped off D8 to W to put on whatever W wanted her to wear. D12 and I grabbed the other presents from W's house and set out to the place to set up the tables and presents, etc. W shows up with D8 and we kind of work out a few of the details before it starts. Through out the time W would try and make conversation with me about how the party is going and D8, etc. When she would talk, I would listen briefly and comment and then turn away and focus on D8 or something else. There was one dad there so I spent some time talking to him and W spent some time talking to a mom that was there. While we were doing the games D8 wanted me and W to do bumper cars with her, so we did. We all had fun and a laugh out of it. Other than that, I just didn't want to be around her. I didn't care what she had to say. I didn't want to hear from her. I can't seem to get out of this mood of not wanting to see her, hear from her, etc this weekend. I cleaned everything up after it was over while W and D8 and D12 cashed out tickets and got some prizes. Then we went to pay and I paid half. W offered me money, I said no, I have it. Then we went to the car and I got the girls in with me and W and I split ways.
At one point she asks me if I am ok. I said yup and continued walking on.
So tonight we are meeting her for dinner for D8's crab legs and shrimp. Oddly enough I bought a nice shirt to wear on the way home for tonight. It is weird. I think about her when I am not with her. But when I am with her, I know she is not with me R wise and I just don't want anything to do with her while she is the way she is. Strange isn't it. I guess I finding myself thinking how things could be, yet when with her I know how things are and I want nothing to do with it.
So one last gathering tonight for dinner. I have not been able to put my best foot forward this weekend because I have not wanted to be around her. We will see if that changes tonight. At least D8 is having a good birthday and I am glad for her. She deserves it. She really is a sweet kid at heart.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Kevin - your daughter is eight. She is a baby, a kid. If she wanted to wear a tutu, striped socks, a hockey jersey, combat boots and a silver crown to HER b-day party... well, that is a luxury you have when you are 8.
Who cares how your W wanted your daughter to look? Unless she showed up to her own b-day naked then tell your W to butt out.
You know what one of my FAVORITE memories (and one of my first!) from my childhood? The day AFTER my sister was born. I was 4. My mom called me from the hospital before my Gran and me came to visit. I was so excited because I picked out my own outfit (not so much my sister was born, lol!). Green shorts with white stripes, orange shirt, red high knee socks and white sandals. The photos of that day are SO funny because of how I look. See what I am saying.. if your kid wants to go to her b-day party wearing a getup like that then who is your W to tell you it is wrong? Do you get my point?
Ya. I get your point. And I agree. Even D8 was annoyed that her mom wanted to put her in an outfit of her own choosing, but she comformed for her mom.
W also offered me money this afternoon to pay for D12's dance tonight after dinner. I said no thanks and I have it covered. She said are you sure. I looked at her and said yes. She said ok.
What is this charity all of a sudden? I am not taking any of it, but why does she keep offering it all of a sudden?
I am not looking forward to spending another meal with her tonight. But this is for D8.
The point is here like yall have been saying... why do I want to be around someone who doesn't want me. And the truth is that I am finding when I am around her and know she doesn't want me, I don't want to be around her.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I want her to want me, but I do not want to be around her if she doesn't want me. So while I try to put a good foot forward when around her, I am more and more feeling the unwantedness when I am around her and it is turning me off from wanting to even put a good foot forward in front of her. This is leading me to start showing more of an "I don't care" attitude towards her.
It bugs me that I am heading in that direction because I know when I am not with her, I wish things would be different. But I can't seem lately to care about anything she has to say when I am with her now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Think it may be called resentment. Seems like it is more pronounced when you "have" to do something with or for your W. Once you have established and enforced clearer boundaries that will start to go away.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Since then, I've read others doing the same thing. I read some in there late 20's wondering if their S is in MLC, so I don't think it has to be mid-life in age.....it is simply a enternal life crises. Thankfully, mine did not last as long as I've read about others and most of the people who read my thread didn't think I was having a MLC. I have thought back about the time I felt the symptopms starting and until I begin to pull out of the fog and start to feel more myself....and it was probably 3 years of it. But it was like a slow incline and then slowly declined. Anyway, if I had not had this board, I don't know what kind of mess I would be in today.