Looking for Advice

[Greek]

You are right, it is what I would I do and I am very independent that way...guess my first reaction was that contacting here would (a) be easiest and (b) well give me a chicken crap, BS reason to contact her which I should not be doing

See...you don't need us. You can give yourself a 2x4!

IF she wants to talk tonight (big IF), I'll tell her about the dog. I'm sure she will say why didn't you call me, and I'll just answer that I had it all covered and she has enough things to worry about these days with the funeral today. Sound about right?

Well, maybe you do need us. The answer is "I know how to operate the dog. I handled it." End of sentence!
Greek

[gutwrenching]

[quote]But a spouse who walks away should not expect to be privy to what she/he walked away from. That is your boundary to place, GW. If she has the same access to you as she always did b/c you let her have it, that's a problem you are creating for yourself. You are letting her cake eat and you don't want to do that. /quote]

Ok I get that, and yes this is going to sound weak, but what if she hasn't walked away? She hasn't left and until the last couple of days before the trip and the trip it did seem she was trying. Maybe I am making excuses for her, but I just want to ensure I am clearly communicating what is going on here. Part of me worries that it is the stress of the funeral situation that is throwing things haywire, but that is probably wishful thinking...
I really don't know. Or since she was emotionally left, it is irrelevant, she has really walked away already?

[Greek]

Is OM still in the pic? Is she still in contact with him? If so, then you are in a race and being johnny on the spot for her won't cut it. It's not that you are NOT there for her. She'll let you know when she wants to talk about this funeral and surrounding issues. What you don't want to be is WAITING for her to do this. And believe me, she'll know if you are there WAITING for her to call, email, text, throw a bone. We just know these things LET HER MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Greek

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Greek. You have given me a lot of your time today, it means a lot. That last post final kicked it in to me. Is OM still in pic, I am 90% sure but cannot be certain, but yes I think so. She claims she went cold turkey but I think they just went deeper undercover. The only thing I know with certainty is they talked about a week ago on a pay as you go phone.

Be there when she is ready and let her miss me...gosh I wish she would miss me. That is what I want.

After I get the dog figure out, think I will make plans so we will not be here today. After ski lessons, it sounds like a good night to go out to dinner with the girls. After that, something else. Then she has to call the cell and I don't have to answer. Heck, I don't even need to carry it on me, I can leave it in the car if I don't want to be distracted. If she gets desperate enough, she'll call my work cell phone which she knows I have to carry on me at all times.

Please keep feeding me Greek - I suddenly feel like I'm about at a turning point - things really starting to sink in - thank you

[Greek]

Thanks Greek. You have given me a lot of your time today, it means a lot. That last post final kicked it in to me. Is OM still in pic, I am 90% sure but cannot be certain, but yes I think so. She claims she went cold turkey but I think they just went deeper undercover. The only thing I know with certainty is they talked about a week ago on a pay as you go phone.

Yeah, he's in the pic. There's your reality.

Be there when she is ready and let her miss me...gosh I wish she would miss me. That is what I want.

Wishing won't do it. You have to take certain measures and you are correct - those measure are counter-intuitive. But they work. Read around on this forum the numbers of times a spouse goes dim on the contact and suddenly the WA is ape$hit trying to get in touch with them. It's true!

After I get the dog figure out, think I will make plans so we will not be here today. After ski lessons, it sounds like a good night to go out to dinner with the girls. After that, something else. Then she has to call the cell and I don't have to answer. Heck, I don't even need to carry it on me, I can leave it in the car if I don't want to be distracted. If she gets desperate enough, she'll call my work cell phone which she knows I have to carry on me at all times.

Take those little ladies to a movie. You can bring your phone w/you if you want but of course, being the polite citizen you are, you will silence your phone in the movie theatre. And then y'all will head home - late - and you'll turn in for the night with hardly a thought of that phone.

IF IF IF you get tempted to call or text her, take the phone apart and put the pieces all about the house. That way you'll have to go to a lot of trouble and have time to think about whether or not making that call is going to achieve your goal - for her to miss you.

Please keep feeding me Greek - I suddenly feel like I'm about at a turning point - things really starting to sink in - thank you

You are welcome. Coach and I have been there. Just paying it back
Greek

[gutwrenching]

And then y'all will head home - late - and you'll turn in for the night with hardly a thought of that phone.

I can't go quite that for because of the kids. They miss their mom and the older one starting to imply for reasons more than the fact that she is currently out of town, and they want to talk to her. She will call to talk to them. I always let them answer the phone. I'd feel awfully guilty if I didn't let them to talk to their mom for a few minutes.

[Greek]

And then y'all will head home - late - and you'll turn in for the night with hardly a thought of that phone.

I can't go quite that for because of the kids. They miss their mom and the older one starting to imply for reasons more than the fact that she is currently out of town, and they want to talk to her. She will call to talk to them. I always let them answer the phone. I'd feel awfully guilty if I didn't let them to talk to their mom for a few minutes.

Sure. You definitely want to show loving kindness to the relationship your daughters have with their mom. But you know YOUR boundary. You can keep all of those balls in the air - no problem.

Cheers ~
Greek

[gutwrenching]

She has not called so far today, though the house phone been ringing a lot and each time I cringe not wanting it to be her...and it hasn't. About time to head out for the ski lessons and dinner and whatever else with the girls. I made the determination the dog can wait. I've got a few things I can try to ease his pain, but we're not going to the vet.

Couple of questions have surfaced in my brain, not urgent.
1) When she returns, I think she is going to feel obligated to thank me for the help either in general or for taking care of the girls. My instinctive reply is your welcome but really you've not needed much help since the first couple of days. And thanking me for taking care of the girls strikes a nerve. What I would like to reply is something to the effect of thanking me for taking care of and being able to hang out so much with own children is silly. We had such a good time that I wouldn't trade that for anything.

2) Normally, when W is on a trip, I have the house pretty well cleaned and picked up when she returns. Somewhat for her, somewhat for me. In the past, it was always nice to just not have to deal with that. I struggle on doing that again or not this time. For me, again, I'd like it picked up and orderly heading into another work week with who knows what kind of stressors ahead. But I don't want cake eating. Realistically, I am doing 75% of the cleaning these days. So do I or don't I or think it doesn't matter.

3) In regards to cleaning, question on our master bathroom. Would it be rude or appropriate to only clean/pick-up my side of the bathroom....leaving her sink and stuff around her area alone (ie a mess) with mine neat and orderly. Would it take long to straighten her stuff up - nope - just a few minutes - but what is the appropriate given the goal of getting her to miss me...

I'm sure I'll post more later this evening, that's all for now.

[Greek]

Couple of questions have surfaced in my brain, not urgent.
1) When she returns, I think she is going to feel obligated to thank me for the help either in general or for taking care of the girls. My instinctive reply is your welcome but really you've not needed much help since the first couple of days. And thanking me for taking care of the girls strikes a nerve. What I would like to reply is something to the effect of thanking me for taking care of and being able to hang out so much with own children is silly. We had such a good time that I wouldn't trade that for anything.

If she thanks you, say what's true: "It was a pleasure to have so much one one one with the girls."

2) Normally, when W is on a trip, I have the house pretty well cleaned and picked up when she returns. Somewhat for her, somewhat for me. In the past, it was always nice to just not have to deal with that. I struggle on doing that again or not this time. For me, again, I'd like it picked up and orderly heading into another work week with who knows what kind of stressors ahead. But I don't want cake eating. Realistically, I am doing 75% of the cleaning these days. So do I or don't I or think it doesn't matter.

Your house - have it the way YOU want it.

3) In regards to cleaning, question on our master bathroom. Would it be rude or appropriate to only clean/pick-up my side of the bathroom....leaving her sink and stuff around her area alone (ie a mess) with mine neat and orderly. Would it take long to straighten her stuff up - nope - just a few minutes - but what is the appropriate given the goal of getting her to miss me...

Again, make the house the way you'd like it. If having her side messy bothers YOU, then clean it. If you can live with it and don't care to pick up after her, do not.

Greek

[gutwrenching]

Well did good today, maybe not great, will see what the experts have to say. Took a leap of faith today - faith in the advice of Sandi, Greek, Coach, Rocked, and Lost. Figured it was time for me to move forward and this was such a prime opportunity - won't get a ton of these because she doesn't call that much.

Here's the events:
4:05 W texts GW: Are you on the way to ski lessons
GW sees, ignores, and says to himself, what a loaded question, she knows darn well I am, she just wants to call now to have a quick phone conversation with girls and leave me out of it. GW reminds himself wait at least an hour to respond
One hour later, GW is enjoying watching ski lesson and decides he isn't going to reply yet

5:20 W calls GW on cell, GW sees it and does not answer. Waits 5 minutes to see if she leaves voice mail, she does not.

5:25 GW returns text to W: "At lessons now"

W immediately texts back: I know, forgot
GW scoffs at that, she knows what time it is
W texts again: I am really tired

GW is torn, sleep has been such an issue that he has hard time resisting comment. After deleting a couple of texts, he simply sends (after waiting a few minutes)
"sleep = important"

W sends flurry of texts back:
"I know, what about the girls"
"It will be 2 more hours" (GW scoffs again, thought she forgot what time it was)
"I could call and leave a message for them"
"At the house and call tomorrow"

Since this is about the girls, GW decides he should text back. Waits 5 minutes, sends 2 texts:
"I am going inside in a moment, cold. Lesson has 25 more minutes"
"If you just want to leave message, leave it on cell phone, not planning on going back to house anytime soon"

W texts back 3 more almost instantly:
"OK what about my idea to call so I can go to bed"
"OK"
"where are you going"

GW says got think like the WAS, how would W respond to me if I had sent those 3 (and yes I've done stuff like that plenty recently)...decides WAS would only vaguely answer and ignore the where are you going.

GW texts back: "Do what you want on the call"

W texts back:
"ok"

Then W tries to call GW again...again GW sees it and doesn't answer

W then texts a couple of minutes later: "Cell won't answer"

GW texts back: "Was busy talking to the instructor, girls still in lesson"

W texts back: "Leaving message at the house"

GW texts back: "Is my voicemail not working" (wondering since I didn't test it after setting it up today)

W texts back: Don't know left one at the house I want to go to sleep

GW waits another 10 minutes and texts: "goodnight"
W texts back: "night"


It did feel good to not be on the receiving end of the yo-yo. I felt good to have a little control. Am still nervous because it is counter-intuitive and I tried hard to walk the line when it comes to letting the girls talk to their mother which they really want to do. In fact, I did send a final text about 45 minutes later stating if she was awake, we were all back in the car from ski lessons and she could call the girls. She never replied.

Question for the experts: Girls had an incredible ski lesson, made huge progress, do I send W an e-mail and tell her this or wait for her to call and see if she even wants to talk in the morning. Also, about the dog - I'm thinking at some point I should tell her, not just let her come to find him limping all over the house.

Please let me know what you think and whatever feedback on trying hard today to do things correctly.