RW and Greek are so right, take your time to answer, only give the basic information, use that ansaphone and txt to your advantage, think how you feel when she doesnt phone, you wonder, well it works both ways, ok youre doing this for you but what the heck its a bonus it will bug her..
Go read some more of the threads it will give you more insight into how some of us deal with things and its all different for different circumstances. If she is going to continue this EA you need to start setting boundaries to respect yourself if nothing else.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Now I need some advice about the dog. Our dog has arthritis, the one time we went to the vet, she took him. It has flared up again, he is limping bad. What I would normally do is e-mail, call, or text wife to see what vet said if it flared up again. I tried to call the vet, but its the weekend and he's closed. So I need to determine if I need to take the dog into a weekend clinic or if this can wait till Monday. Do I dare contact W to ask what did vet say if it flares up again? Dog can barely walk today
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
What boundaries do you suggest? I understand boundaries but have a hard time figuring out how/where to apply to my sitch
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I am sorry about your dog. My dog suffers from displaced hips and I know how difficult it is to watch them suffer.
Before you call your W be sure you have utilized every resource you can to help your dog. I keep ALL my dog's medical records (vet receipts which itemize all exams along with notes for after care). Perhaps your W does the same? I am not suggesting you rifle around her things but maybe she has a "vet" folder you can refer to?
If not maybe you can call the weekend clinic and ask if they have any suggestions. Just let them know the primary caretaker of the dog is out of town and unreachable and you are calling to see if there is any temporary solutions they can offer until you can contact your vet on Monday.
Honestly, I adore my dog and if my H knew something I didn't about how to help her and I had used all avenues to take care of it on my own and had no answer I probably would contact him.
Now I need some advice about the dog. Our dog has arthritis, the one time we went to the vet, she took him. It has flared up again, he is limping bad. What I would normally do is e-mail, call, or text wife to see what vet said if it flared up again. I tried to call the vet, but its the weekend and he's closed. So I need to determine if I need to take the dog into a weekend clinic or if this can wait till Monday. Do I dare contact W to ask what did vet say if it flares up again? Dog can barely walk today
Go online and research it. If W didn't exist, you would figure this out for yourself. Well, figure it out! Google it and find a way to keep your dog comfortable until you get him in Monday. You don't need her. You can handle this all by yourself.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
No, GW...don't explain that the phone was on silent. Don't explain a thing. Don't fill in the blanks. Let her wonder why every time she calls the phone goes to VM. 'I wonder why he can't take my call? Hmmm...is he busy? Doing what? Or is someone there and he can't talk to me?'
Knowing my wife and since she knows me...me not answering the phone is going to be shell shock...way out of norm for either of us. So, she will ask...she will ask why I didn't answer or where we were at (she knows I'll have the kids with me)...so how do I answer that, how do I imply I was just too busy? And if she calls at the house and we are here, I have to answer, the kids will know its her. And also, this is going to be rare thing--her calling--rare phone calls when we are both in town. TMs and calls to work where someone else usually answers the phone.
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Although I certainly understand that she is the only one on the planet you want to share with now - increasingly b/c she is unavailable to you. Something for you to keep in mind - hint, hint!
Make sure I get the hint right - the goal is to make me as unavailable so hopefully she will then want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to her. Man this is so counter-intuitive. Watching dance class this morning I did wonder if I was making a mistake, wonder if she is testing me again to see if I will initiate contact since that is what drove her over the edge in the past. Worried about that. I did not act on it, but I worried about it, still worry about it.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
You are right, it is what I would I do and I am very independent that way...guess my first reaction was that contacting here would (a) be easiest and (b) well give me a chicken crap, BS reason to contact her which I should not be doing
IF she wants to talk tonight (big IF), I'll tell her about the dog. I'm sure she will say why didn't you call me, and I'll just answer that I had it all covered and she has enough things to worry about these days with the funeral today. Sound about right?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Knowing my wife and since she knows me...me not answering the phone is going to be shell shock...way out of norm for either of us. So, she will ask...she will ask why I didn't answer or where we were at (she knows I'll have the kids with me)...so how do I answer that, how do I imply I was just too busy? And if she calls at the house and we are here, I have to answer, the kids will know its her.
She doesn't KNOW anything. She thinks she knows but see now things are changing so really, she knows she doesn't really know. Get that? Haha! W leaves vm with a question about the kids. Text her the answer. She'll call. Let her leave VM. For those times when the kids are there and you feel you must pick up, let one of the children answer. If you end up on the phone with her and she asks why you haven't been answering her calls "I've been busy. Is there something you want? (listen for answer). OK. Hey, I've gotta run. Ciao!"
Where were you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Those are all questions that a married couple can expect to get answers to. But a spouse who walks away should not expect to be privy to what she/he walked away from. That is your boundary to place, GW. If she has the same access to you as she always did b/c you let her have it, that's a problem you are creating for yourself. You are letting her cake eat and you don't want to do that.
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Make sure I get the hint right - the goal is to make me as unavailable so hopefully she will then want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to her.
Sorta. But not really. The goal is for YOU to be YOU for YOU...not her. And that will get her attention. You are this fabulous guy with interests and prospects and a schedule that suits you. You are healthy and comfortable in your own skin b/c that's who YOU are. This is confidence. And confidence is attractive. You will find it not only attracts wayward spouses but others, as well. But the reason to be that way is b/c it's goodness for you.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Right... if you are looking for a reason to contact her then don't call.
My dog often needs to have her hips manually manipulated and it took me a LONG time to learn how to do it as the vet taught me. It is SCARY as I know doing it the wrong way can cause more harm than good. If my H was watching her for the weekend I would NOT want him to try this unless he 110% knew what he was doing. I also would not want him to try and learn how via the Internet! No matter what was going on between us I would much rather he call if the vet was not available.
