Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Question for those that know at least a little about Facebook. Right now, I have a pending friend request out there for my W. Been there a long time, she doesn't deny it, but she won't accept it. I am starting to think that if I want to continue to send the message of no pursuit, that I cancel the request. Not sure she would notice, but she might. Or do I just leave it there because by canceling the request also implies that I as thinking about it. So the other part of me says just leave it alone.

What I am really struggling with right now is how to reply to the e-mail that she claims she is going to send me to tell me if she is going to call or not, which I know she won't...

[gutwrenching]

Journaling a little here- if this is what I did to W or what she felt I did to her, wow, I feel like crap. She says I wasn't calling her or e-mailing her and if she felt like I do now, man I feel like a total heel. I would like to think she is doing this to me so I see what it was like, but that is wishful thinking, I think it is really just a fact that she is a WAS and has completed her pull back. Gosh that sucks. 10 days ago, we were making progress...and it was with actions not words. It was the smiles after working out, it was the offering to make my lunch, it was the comments that "tomorrow morning's workout is going to be so fun" and then the suicide and at first she turns to me and I'm really feeling optimistic about things...then crash. She starts pulling back, she starts getting cold, she goes on trip and I'm sure is getting the alien injection from talking to OM and now I get 15 seconds on the phone with her and she won't even share if having to view the body was rough on her or not. I learn more about what she is doing there from facebook of her co-worker I get along with so well.
I was so pissed at the 15 second conversation that I snapped at daughter which upset me and then I was so upset about it all, i didn't even rent myself a movie. I think a couple of beers and a sleeping pill tonight instead of a movie.
Man she killed my PMA! I know she shouldn't but all it would have took was 2 minutes of talking...I had on my new shirt, new cologne, girls were happy, I was going to get myself a movie, and she had to call right then.
This is not detaching. I miss her too much still.
Tonight I need to act like I am the WAS...maybe that will help.

[gutwrenching]

Ok - going to sleep now. I've calmed down, gotten over the anger and disappointment. Since we hadn't really talked at all, I debated sending an e-mail or phone call for our once a day. I sent a short e-mail, very short.

What is annoying was the one thing she said to me during our 30 seconds of conversation: I will send you an e-mail tonight, one way or another, to let you know if I am going to call again.

No e-mail. That is just rude. Should I call her out on it tomorrow. That is just rude.

Hoping for some advice when I wake up in the morning. Thanks

[Lost Rabbit]

Personally I wouldnt have answered while in the movie shop, its not the place to be having family conversations she should ring home later. I know you dont want to upset the girls but stop accomadating MrsGW by being a telephone answering machine.

Now the hard stuff, right you reckon she is contacting OM while she is away, imagine the worst conversation she is having, yes it will make you feel sick and bad, but try and feel it and own it and then accept it. This all sounds twee but when I thought my H had OW it seemed to work, once I'd accepted the fact that she could exist and that a whole lot of other things could be going on I managed to cope, obviously you will have to adapt this to how you can do it for YOU!

I hardly spoke to my H for a month went NC as it was the only way I could deal with things and he was only phoning me once a week so it wasnt hard, what was hard was keeping things to a minimum when he phoned. I did have to take our little cat to the vet when he was away and yes I told him, he loves her just as much as I did so felt it was right, but expect your W (who knows and trusts you still even if you dont feel the same for her) to just go ok I know doggie will be fine with you!

You ask how my H came back.. Out of the blue after about a month of very little contact (although he could ask S21 how I was) he emailed me and said he'd like to pop by, he was going to do his hobby on the sunday and could he stay the night! Well honestly I thought I was about to be told about OW and that it was D time but decided to fight hardball. So asked on here for advice, well the boys on here are so naughty and when aided and abetted by the girls they helped me produce the most fun day of my life since this all started lol. I had dropped another dress size since he last saw me so was now a sassy size 6/8, I knew he was coming on monday so shot off to the hairdressers and ordered a very sexy haircut, believe me I could have kissed my hairdresser when she finished. I bought some new clothes and some very naughty high heels, personally I think I had got rather too sensible in my dress sense..

When he came back I wasnt here, he txt to say he was home and I ignored it and came back an hour later looking fantastic and laughing on the phone to my mate about our dinner date the following evening, we chatted and I told him I'd been out to lunch with a male friend, he kept following me round the house and as Id left the fridge empty cos a) I was out for lunch and just needed a snack for tea, and b)Was doing the same the following day, he eventually had to take me out to eat lol! Well if I say so I was just fabulous, he tried to trip me up verbally so to speak and I let it roll off my back like the proverbial duck. Well at home we started to talk a bit but really advoiding any R talk and eventually well you know it worked lol!

He then started coming up for other things and gradually staying longer and longer and now after his last trip back this week he is back for good.. Sometimes this is like playing a game, so you will get a giggle when you get round something and other times you will have to rethink the strategy.. Us girls can pull naughties some times but I do think the georgous lingerie on airer and the posy of flowers on the cabinet started him thinking if I dont get her back she will find someone else..but who knows he was and still can be alien at times.

Good to hear you didnt txt back and that youve been shopping for you, oh and for the cologne make a joke of it use the loreal adverts "cos Im worth it" give her that old MrGW sexy smile and laugh and then walk away. Yes she will start to wonder who you worth what for but dont expect it to last to long at the moment but hang in there! Hope today is better for you (())

[gutwrenching]

Got to digest all this, good advice Lost. Wife did e-mail back late last night, said they went to dinner, then to bar, now she smelled like smoke (which I know she hates), how were the girls and what pie (which was in reference to the I'm going to finish my pie and go to bed). I told her the girls did great today, hope you have a good day and didn't answer her question on the pie nor provide any other info.

W being out late doesn't bother me one bit, today should be interesting

You are right, I shouldn't have answered the phone in the movie store, not natural for me to not answer the phone for anyone. I need to get voicemail set up, TODAY

[Greek]

Set up that voice mail NOW. Wait at least an hour before answering any text messages. And only answer text messaged questions. Like if she tm's just info but no question, then no response needed from you. And if you are going to answer a question in a text...wait at least an hour. Click all - ALL - of her calls to voice mail. Then you can listen to them for questions that you will answer in a text...later.

You are just so busy with your Life, gosh - you just can't get to those calls and texts right away.

Greek

[rockedworld]

Good job GW!
About FB, I would just leave your request as is. Don't draw any more attention to it.

I agree with Lost about not answering the phone unless it is convenient for you. Same with texts.

Make sure your brief conversations, emails or texts sound upbeat. that is important. And, like Coach said, if the opportunity arises, let her into your world to increase emotional intimacy.

Now try to put this out of your mind, work on detachment a bit more today and have fun with those kids! Make it a great day!

[gutwrenching]

Thanks, thanks, thanks. Good to hear from you Greek. So tough this morning, resisting sending something. Had a subordinate get a DUI last night, one D complaining she isn't feeling well, and a dog limping all over the house. I so would love to talk to her and connect over all these sudden issues like we always would in the past. Oh so hard...
Guess I need to stay made about her unwillingness to share with me a darn thing about this funeral trip.
And I did set-up voice mail and I turned the ringer off of the phone! Oh sorry, had it on silence, didn't look at phone for a while to see you called or texted. I can try. Gosh this is going to be hard

[Greek]

So tough this morning, resisting sending something. Had a subordinate get a DUI last night, one D complaining she isn't feeling well, and a dog limping all over the house. I so would love to talk to her and connect over all these sudden issues like we always would in the past.

This is today, GW. And today, if you want a sounding board, you will (GAL) call a friend to tell him about it, or reconnect with a sibling to share. W is not the only person on the planet who you can make a connection with. Although I certainly understand that she is the only one on the planet you want to share with now - increasingly b/c she is unavailable to you. Something for you to keep in mind - hint, hint!

Guess I need to stay made about her unwillingness to share with me a darn thing about this funeral trip.

Why are you mad? She doesn't want to tell you about it. OK. Next. You no longer expend energy or emotion on what she will or won't do. You have many, many other things to do today.

And I did set-up voice mail and I turned the ringer off of the phone! Oh sorry, had it on silence, didn't look at phone for a while to see you called or texted. I can try. Gosh this is going to be hard

No, GW...don't explain that the phone was on silent. Don't explain a thing. Don't fill in the blanks. Let her wonder why every time she calls the phone goes to VM. 'I wonder why he can't take my call? Hmmm...is he busy? Doing what? Or is someone there and he can't talk to me?'

Mystery.

Greek

[rockedworld]

Listen to Greek GW.... she is one smart lady!