THank you so much for the kudos. I needed that. Kick received. ODP (Operation Don't Panic) is a toughy but making a huge difference in my life. You sound like you need some ODP yourself in your sitch, LR. Don't worry, I'll keep you in training!
I need to keep a heavy dose of ODP going through the next month = H and I both have birthdays and the dreaded Valentine's Day approaches. I already made personal plans around that powder keg. I'll be doing a theatre gig.
Carl Jung might say that my dreaming uncs. is bringing up the OPPOSITE of what is happening - hey, I prefer that analysis (yes, I'm a psychology geek).
I'm longwinded so thanks also for taking the time to read...I truly appreciate it. Perhaps being more short winded should go on my new 180 list! lol
Ok, I instist we post our new 180 lists so we keep moving forward. Hey LR I know your H is around but I"ll keep my alt open in case you want to chat!
I'm also at the point where H likes to discuss and vent at me occasionally. This is difficult because it is hard to tell if this is progress or whether he further upsets himself when he does this. He seems to withdraw for a day or more afterwards. He is not yet at the point where if he sees me for longer than an hour that he can not "go there", meaning vent his anger at me with a relationship talk. Do you think this venting will lead to further reminders of the existing bitterness between you two or will it help burn it away? Seems like some resentments can just get stuck on autoplay, so I'm not sure. Validating and listening does not always help to not inflame the anger.
When my H is venting, he does not want me to point out his similar behavior. Sometimes if I do, later he comes back saying his complaints were not heard. They seem to interpret dialogue as not listening when they are replaying the past in their heads over and over. I'm curious to hear whether in a few days you have some negative repercussions to the acknowledgments of his part that your husband did make the other night. Sometimes an acknowledgment earned is progress lost in my case is why I'm wondering.
Like you and many others, I "messed up" post bomb too. Not with OP or dating or anything, but by my reaction and behavior. Because of this and a list of past issues, H is monitoring my behavior and notices every tiny thing. I'm only mentioning this because I have made positive changes, but any negatives, however minor, are blown up as huge deals in his mind. So be aware that your H is likely doing this as well. Mine mentioned and magnified a few to me this week. It took him several weeks post the alleged "incidents" to mention them. But now I have confirmation he is monitoring for change at least. For whatever that's worth. Their lack of trust seems to make them want immediate perfection in you (even when they are not working on the same), and not merely a sixty percent positive change for the better in requested areas. Tall order in a short time period!
rr22 it seems like your very early days yet, I will try and read you sitch later today, when my H first used to visit I was given an alloted 3hr period, its not to hard to keep going for that long, now we are piecing its much harder, what ever you do dont stop validating and listening, it might not always work now but it needs to be kept going, perhaps have a think about how you validate are you and Im not saying you do validating him a bit too parentally? your H sounds very very alien/foggy at the moment and if he wasnt a big talker like H4L and my H it makes life even harder, but you can see that if you can keep your calm they do start to come round as you give them a sense of security, look at Hope's brilliant response yesterday and her H has been stewing on that one for weeks but finally felt comfortable enough to talk about it.. Its too easy at the beginning to over analyse stuff we are all guilty of it, but part of detaching is accepting you have no control and they arnt the person you used to know, my H is now selfish and occasionally rude which he never used to be, but I can see he is struggling with getting his own life and doesnt know how to handle it yet! Keep working at it rr22 it can only be better than the other option.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks Hope for your post on here and on mine! I do think we are going to have to support each other through ODP for the next month, but we will get there hun! Just make sure you keep your expectations on the back boiler as other wise you will get burnt fingers. Birthday plans sound fab and well done for instigating your own, Valentines day isnt going to happen this year so start putting that in your own thoughts or the better plan is to change it to a ILH day, so book the beauticians/hairdressers and plan a girlie lunch and go buy your own flowers the day before and smuggly think Im worth it! Oh and if H happens to notice your flowers just use the a freind sent them routine..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
@RR22 - You are completely right with all you have said. I must say my H has been gone 8 months and I've been DBing for four. Until a month ago, my H was like yours. The progress I have made is recent with the start of MC (and the passage of time).
My H was venting constantly and jumping on everything that smelled remotely to him of not changing. I went through all you went through. I'm not saying it won't go back there too, but when I was in the Newcomers thread you can see this seemed like a never ending cycle. It even got worse, quite verbally abusive. But things HAVE shifted, and yours can too.
Listen and validate only went so far. When H was on a constant complaint rampage, all I could do was WALK AWAY. And stay away to calm myself. Like you, if I mentioned anything at all H was doing negatively, he was defensive and blaming.
If you listen and stay as calm as possible, eventually, he will be able to hear you. MC has helped enormously with this for us, and giving time to prove to him that I'm listening and staying calm. But when it gets to be too painful, please, turn around and get some space. You can only take so much.
@LR - Ok, VD will be ILH day. I like the idea of going to get my hair and nails done - and flowers - and don't forget chocolates! Heck it's what I call a "Hallmark holiday" anyhow - designed to sell cards and candy. Means nothing.
Hopefully you will be getting a real Valentine's Day this year my dear!
Thanks. You're right. He is alien/foggy. It gives me hope that H4L's and anyone else's H got past the months of anger and venting. When you're in the middle of it, it seems permanent.
Don't worry, I'll keep you in training!