@RR22 - You are completely right with all you have said. I must say my H has been gone 8 months and I've been DBing for four. Until a month ago, my H was like yours. The progress I have made is recent with the start of MC (and the passage of time).
My H was venting constantly and jumping on everything that smelled remotely to him of not changing. I went through all you went through. I'm not saying it won't go back there too, but when I was in the Newcomers thread you can see this seemed like a never ending cycle. It even got worse, quite verbally abusive. But things HAVE shifted, and yours can too.
Listen and validate only went so far. When H was on a constant complaint rampage, all I could do was WALK AWAY. And stay away to calm myself. Like you, if I mentioned anything at all H was doing negatively, he was defensive and blaming.
If you listen and stay as calm as possible, eventually, he will be able to hear you. MC has helped enormously with this for us, and giving time to prove to him that I'm listening and staying calm. But when it gets to be too painful, please, turn around and get some space. You can only take so much.
