I spoke with W very briefly on the phone yesterday and in the course of the conversation, I told W that I want to apologize for my part in letting the last MC session escalate in anger. I told her that's not who I am and that's not who I intend to be. She thanked me and said she was sorry as well...
This morning before taking S to a school function, I approached W and said I was sorry again for my part in the escalation and that in the past we had gotten better in resolution our arguments. Instead of hard feelings for days I tried to address them in a reasonable amount of time... Since we haven't been having much of any interaction, the opportunity to address the fight was not there.
(My recent history of marital fights was to fight, have time to digest and then approach with a calmer disposition. I almost always feel particularly bad after a fight, this was no exception and I wanted to acknowledge my part in it.)
I hugged W and she apologized to me for saying some of hurtful things and didn't like the way it escalated either. I told W that Im just having difficulty in regards to telling the kids and whats best,,, I then made a comment that it felt nice to hug W again and that thru all of this I missed the closeness...W replied that she missed the friendship but felt very uncomfortable with physical contact. I asked w what she meant by that and her answer was "Well, we are getting divorced."
Something I just realized at that moment was the W seemed to always insert the, "well, we are getting divorced" statement, very business-like in the few conversations we did have.
Is this be W way of justifying he actions? Convincing/reminding herself? I sometimes feels that it's to tell me "regardless of what goes on, we are getting divorced".
That is just hard for me to hear... it feels to me like she's still driving the D train, and nothing will derail that...
I'm just wondering what a good DB response to that from my sitch could be... Any suggestions?
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I'm just wondering what a good DB response to that from my sitch could be... Any suggestions?
Yes. Don't let it get into this:
Quote:
I hugged W and she apologized to me for saying some of hurtful things and didn't like the way it escalated either. I told W that Im just having difficulty in regards to telling the kids and whats best,,, I then made a comment that it felt nice to hug W again and that thru all of this I missed the closeness...
Your initial apology was excellent -- I'm glad you did that. But to reapproach her a 2nd, and a 3rd time, and then do the "needy/grabby/melty-man" thing is CLASSIC "PURSUING," and you know that makes a walkaway feel smothered and pressured!
btw, a good response is always "Yes, I have heard you when you say we are getting divorce," or simply "Yes, I have heard you."
As always, thanks for the reality smack.. I am so focused on wanting to own/acknowledge my part in the bad exchange, I totally ignored the fact that it was so blatantly pursuing...
I will move past this and in regards to the W, act like nothing happened and not bring it up..
"What's that in the room? Oh yeah, a 2 ton elephant"
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
COACH / GREEK? (any others with recommendations?)I would be very interested to hear how you dealt with telling your kids about the D. I need to get the kids info, they need to be made aware of the situation that they are watching....
My concern is that the W needs to take ownership if the sitch.. I do not want to be made a co-conspirator or thrown under the bus... I want my kids to know that I am willing to make things right again..
Hey there DDog ~~~ Just catching up with you.
Here's what happened with us when we told our children (then 19, 16 and 10). We took them out to dinner. The only pre-game plan we had was that I would introduce the topic. I think Coach put it something like "You have to tell them b/c you are the one who is moving out and I will not accept any responsibility for this plan." Fair enough. So I told the kids that I was moving out, the two youngest would be coming with me but would spend time at Dad's house, too. The oldest was going to be away at school so no physical impact there. As I unfolded this to them, Coach said not a word. He sat at the end of the table and although I now know how rattled inside he was, he looked steady. He added nothing to what I told them. I knew that all of my statements had to be mine alone - no "we this" or "we that" - b/c he made it clear he would not allow that. When I finished, he simply asked the children, "Do you have any questions for me?" The boys didn't. Our daughter wanted to know where her stuff would be and I dealt with that.
Pay close attention to this: at the time, I thought he was a total a$$ for throwing me under the bus. I remember telling my IC - "Geez! Typical - he just sat there, let me carry the whole load, didn't contribute a thing!" Now I look back and I SEE that yes, indeed, he did let me carry the whole load b/c it was MINE. He didn't want a D. He wanted to work on our M. So why should he carry any of the weight to take it apart - esp. in front of our children. I have deep respect for the way he handled that evening. And my children have a clear clear clear memory of who wanted the D, and who didn't. And he never had to say a word.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
