Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

What will be hard for you will be to sit there and just "listen" to what is being said. Remember what the C said he would do....and rely upon his professional skills to handle whatever your W will say.

[mza8]

Had a bad night last night. Things started good. I went to my IC appt. and felt good. Then I get an email from W. She talked about bills. Then she asks me why I chose to make the C appt. For us with a different C from my IC or even her IC. She tells me again that she is not going to C with me to reconcile but for closure. Wonderful. Also tells me that she knows this is a very difficult time for both of us and we are dealing with it differently. She ends the email telling me she hopes I take care of my health issues, take care of myself and wishes me a happy b-day.

Later last night I bumped into her at our local gym. I was just going to say hi to her but I began to talk to her about M. I know dumb. Well obviously this made her upset and we didn't end the conversation well. I apologized to her before we left and I emailed her this morning and apologized again. I feel like any progress I might have made to keep things friendly has just been ruined hurting any chances of a possible reconciliation in the future.

I allowed my emotions to cloud my judgment. It's just so hard to imagine the M being over with no hope in the future. I keep telling myself that where my W is now is not where she will be in the future. Hard to even have that hope anymore.

I know I need to GAL and be consistent. It's getting harder each day to hang in there. I still want to save our M or to try and build a new M but that doesn't seem possible even down the road.

Thanks, needed to vent.

[sandi2]

Until you can prevent yourself from talking about the M even when you accidently run into her in some place......I don't know if GAL or anything else is going to be very productive. That is the most important step and the first step in DBing.....stop talking about the R. IT DOESN'T WORK! IT MAKES MATTERS WORSE! Haven't you seen that by now?

Another thing, you apologized to her at the gym and then you go home and send her another apology through email. Can't you see that as being so cliny & needy? Do you think that is a picture of a strong, self-confident man?

The one thing that I see said over & over in so many LBH's posts are how impatient they are. Some brag about how they've done their 180's for four or five days and think the WAW should be ready to reconcile.

I am not saying that she's justified in having left you or to have an affair or anything else she may up to, but do you think things should be ready to fall back into place just b/c you are impatient and you've "tried" to do a couple of things? Just b/c you love your W and now you're miserable doesn't count for much where she's concerned. What "will" count is for you to get off your butt and stop feeling sorry for yourself--and how bad you been treated, and start cranking out DB techniques. You're still trying to fall back on "talking" to her about the M. So, how's that working for you? Not well, is it? What's it going to take for you to decide to stop the old way and make up your mind to learn a new way and stick to it?

You have lost your W. Your M is dead. Your W is gone. Now, you can cry and be sad and think the worst for the rest of your life....or you can look at the option of DBing.....the correct way.....and build a new R and a new life.

[mza8]

Sandi, I'm so glad you are here. I look forward to your comments and advice on my posts everyday. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are here to help.

I think you gave me a lot of 2x4s today and boy did I need them. All I can say is that you are right, you are right, you are right. I think I am doing the right things but I know I am not. I know that I am making matters worse. I need to stop the self pity and really do the DB techniques the right way. What I am doing now definitely is not working. Not well at all. I am going to make myself stay away from my W. I must go NC because contacting her at this time is definitely not working.

Sandi, I have read the DB and DR books. Besides the GAL step what other DB steps do you recommned that I begin now? Should I just work on GAL for now? What next? I know what the books say but I'm interested in you opinion.

As always Sandi, thank you for everything.

[sandi2]

Well, I'm a little confused. She was all pushy about having meeting to discuss finances and bring her father. She bugged the daylights out of you with emails, but now she has suddenly stopped? Why?

I think the reason she's reluctant to see the new MC you found is b/c your W knows you well and she suspects you've found a C who is pro-M. She probaby has her little closure speech prepared and didn't want to meet a new MC and have to go into details again. She wanted your old one or hers on that account.

I see no reason to contact her with these emails. The bills and things like that should be settled and stop this constant back & forth business.

I would not bring up the topic of seeing the MC again. If she brings it up.....stick to your guns about seeing that new MC (pro-m) you found and do not go to the other ones! Until that happens, I suggest you stay completely away and NC with her through emails/phones. If she calls....let it go to VM. If she emails.....run it by us if it's something you're not sure about.

Get out this weekend. Don't talk about the MR and find something fun to do. Take care of yourself for a change. This all takes a toll on you mentally, physically, and spiritually.

[mza8]

Sandi,

That makes two of us being confused why my W stopped pushing for meeting with her father. When we spoke at the gym she said something about feeling like we had to meet at counseling for closure so I could move forward with bills, dividing this up, etc. So I'm guessing she feels I am resisting that meeting so she wants the couneling session maybe so I "get it" so we can move forward with meeting she wants. Other than this reason I'm not sure why she has stopped pushing for the meeting.

I agree that she is not happy about meeting with new MC. I know my W suspects I did it to save M. She does now me well as I do about her. No doubt in my mind that she has rehearsed her closure speech for C. What I like about new pro M counselor is that she said she takes charge of tje first session. She asks the questions. She doesn't give an opportunity for "closure" speech.

Will begin NC. I need it right now just as much for me and for W. This has been extremely tiring. Plans for this weekend are to exercise, meeting with priest, party tonight to watch football, church on Sunday, walk dogs, etc.

I'm not sure I trust myself enough right now on how to respond to W's emails so I will seek your advice first. A part of me wants to hear what she has to say at C but the other part of me does not want to go at this time for her closure. My DB coach also recommends not going with W to counseling at this time. When the time comes for us to go to C I will make sure we go to new pro M counselor. Thanks again Sandi.

[sandi2]

So, is your W still taking care of paying the bills, like she has done in the past, or is she refering to dividing up the finances/bills?

I know you're tired. Nothing is more exhausting than mental & emotional stress. That's why it's important to make yourself get away from the computer, the house, the stitch. Don't go around anyone who will be talking about it with you, or else tell them you're trying to give it a rest today.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Go to Church and fill-up your soul. Got to have that to keep you going!

[K4D]

Sorry for the hijack,

But Sandi2, I think I remember hearing or you saying that you were a WAW. Is this true? Just how far gone were you and what were the chances really of you ever coming back? How long did it take?

Kevin

[sandi2]

Hi Kevin, I'll catch you over at your thread.....okay?

[mza8]

Sandi,

Had a great weekend. Will post more of an update later today when I have more time.

In the meantime my W emailed today and started off with hoping I had a nice weekend and then talked about football games from the weekend. Then tells me she agrees we shouldn't meet together with C this week. After our argument last week and how she acted I had suggested we not meet since we couldn't even be in the same room together yet and be comfortable. She then says we should go to C soon. Didn't mention for closure but of course this is still her reason. She also said again about getting together to discuss selling house, etc. Also tells me how she is having problems taking my name off one of our joint bills. Said she needs copy of my license to do this. Ends email with, Thanks W.

While it was good that she was nice in her email after our argument last week (I was concerned the confrontation last week would have kept her upset with me), I know she is being nice to get what she wants. Metting, copy of license, future C session for her closure.

Sandi, as I promised you in my last post I will run by you what my next actions should be. So, how would you suggest I handle her email today? Should I be nice back? Do I email her back today or wait a day? Give he copy of my license to make it easier for her for bill? I think I already know your answer to that one. Do small talk about football games?

My computer broke over the weekend and she also cancelled our home phone number. So I can't fax her a copy of license and can't scan and email her a copy. Since she took most of the money in joint account I don't have the money right now to fix computer or buy a new one yet. Should I tell her this and ask her to put some money back into joint account to fix computer? It upsets me that I should have to even ask her for the money as it's just as much mine but I'll save that conversation for another time.

Please let me know what you think Sandi. If you need more info let me know.

Thank you,
mza8