A Choice

[patpat]

Thank Kara....

W generally doesn't sweat though.... she is with her friends this evening at a college event. I wonder what they are filling her head with....?

I will let her sweat though....! Most definately!

[patpat]

I am so proud of you! Acting as if "you" are the WAS is a good way to get her attention. It is a good way to detach & GAL.

Actually, somewhere I read on spmeone else's sitch about this very thing. In fact, the suggestion was from you to someone else. I just decided to borrow it. I just do not remember who sitch it was. If I find it I will let you know where I read it.

And Thank you for thinking ahead.... I will put something in my back pocket tonight... JIC!

Nothing but love for you S2...

I wish you were here, I would love to give you a GREAT BIG HUG!

[sandi2]

((PatPat))! Hugs back at ya!

You sound so good! I love your sense of humor and I find it hard to understand how anyone would want to leave you (except I do understand WAW's....ugh.)

Hope you will continue GAL. Yes, sometimes we need to get away from the board. I think you will be a big help to others, so hang on and reach out to others who are hurting.

Take good care of yourselves and watch out for the bears!

[patpat]

Thanks GW

I am and was having problems also with the whole detaching thing. I still have problems with it as it was previously been explained to me.

I read on a post somewhere, and can not exactly recall where, but read that if you can not do it, just act it out. Act as if.... It keeps the hope alive.

As if everything in your life is ok, going well, almost as though you were not even in your sitch at all. That got me started to do things again.

Then I read on someone sitch that they did not like what their spouse was doing to them, that they wished their spouse could feel what they were feeling... that got me to thinking. Of course, all my thoughts were of the things I have been hearing / reading here in these forums.... thinking I too, wished my spouse would and could feel what I am feeling. And why shouldn't she?

This same day, I read that the LBS and some point will, and needs to become the WAS. That once detached, the will have arrived. This finally made sense to me.

All the explaining about detachment confused me because I could not see it. My feelings, my marriage, the history, the fact that I could not believe that my W, whom I never would have thought..... well, it just was hard.

All anybody had to say to me was, if you did to your W exactlly what she is doing to you (the WAS script) without the A, you will detach and possibly turn the table..... that I could understand and do. Act !!! I have a hard time detaching... I know this because it scares me and goes against what I feel is the right thing to do. But now, after acting it out, I now feel that detaching is exactlly the right thing to do.

It is truely about me at this point. No one else. So, I just act as if... and now, I am not acting anymore. I understand.

Still feels weird. But I am having fun while I wait this out, and I believe that when all is said and done... my M will be right where I want it too be. This puts me into a happier place. I find it easier to deal with. Not happy about it all, but in an easier place.

I read on a post somewhere, and can not exactly recall where, but read that if you can not do it, just act it out. Act as if.... It keeps the hope alive.

And lastly, I am glad that I am where I am at right now because I have been able to lock the love I have for my W away in that secret room in my heart... to protect it, if you will.

When all has finally come to a head, I pray the there is and will be a much better me, right here, when the fog clears to lead my W home. Home, I never really thought about this word that much... but it has a new meaning to me and I just want this more now than ever. I'll never leave it, and all who know its comfort, unprotect ever again.

GW.. evrything I do from here out, everywhere I go, and everything I speak WILL TAKE ME HOME!

[sandi2]

All anybody had to say to me was, if you did to your W exactlly what she is doing to you (the WAS script) without the A, you will detach and possibly turn the table..... that I could understand and do.

I'm always open to learning new ways to explain detaching to newcomers. When you first came on board, do you think you would have been receptive to the idea of "you" becoming the WAH? Remember how afraid you were?

I think you are saying that you would have understood the definition of the detaching principle.......but what I need to know is would you have shook your head and thought, "No way am I going to act like a WAH. I want to get her back, not walk away!"

This isn't a trick question b/c I honestly want to find a better way to talk about detaching to newcomers. I have only seen a couple who got it from the beginning. It usually takes all the time up by getting that principle through so they understand. Then getting the application is another story....lol.

[sandi2]

Well, I used the reverse WAS attitude with a newcomer, so we'll see the response to it.

New week starting, and I hope you will have a good one, sweetie. Stay strong.

Sandi

[sandi2]

Hi PatPat, just dropping by to check on ya. Hope you are out GAL. Would like to hear from you.

Take care,
Sandi

[patpat]

.......but what I need to know is would you have shook your head and thought, "No way am I going to act like a WAH. I want to get her back, not walk away!"

This is hard S2... I think that I finally realized that detaching my heart from my sitch is what it takes to get the M back...

You explained to me what "dropping the rope" meant. I understood that when W left, shock followed... she wanted to run and I picked up the rope... only seems natural.

Letting go of the rope was WHAT was not natural and there was my problem. I could not let go of the rope. My heart did not want too. And it did not make sense to me. I really did not know how. And yes. I was afraid.

Could I drop the rope without dropping the rope. Maybe act like I dropped the rope and do all the things I needed to do, but inside know, I really did not drop it. I would not tell anyone. I would just do it that way. It felt better and anyone can act... I will try it and see if this works for me.

So I did... That's it. I put together something from various threads and advice that helped me to act out the WAS script. It worked for me.

My W is in hot pursuit. Problem is I dropped the rope. I practiced it so that I would not slip up. I lived it so that no fault would be found. She saw it and lost her mind. I woke up and it was my reality. I am the WAS... full of anger, resentment and fear.

I have become what I did not like. It has placed me in control of my sitch. Now, I am on the other side (without an A) and finding it hard to let W back in. The pain is much and not desired.

She has picked up the rope. It is no longer an act. I am running. It is my choice.

I think to answer your question... S2, in your own magical way, if you can merge the "dropping of the rope" with the "WAS script", you might have something, I do not know...

I am different right now... lost and confused...

I have focus on pushing W into the arms of OM. I have told her that she should focus on those things that she feels will make her happy. I have told her that sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. I told her that living with friends will get old and cause her problems that maybe it is time to gwet herself an apartment etc....

She cries and wants to come home... I refuse.
She tells me that she loves me... I tell her that is nice.
She apologizes and tells me she acted foolishly... I tell her ILYBINILWY.

She tells me that she sees only us in her futire... I tell her I want a divorce.

She cries and gets angry...

She calls and texts daily... seems like hundreds of times...

I ignore.

I am busy... Gal'ing. Making new friends. Traveling. Working. Finding my smiles in the unknown.

My 180's have drawn old friends toward me... allowed new individuals into my circle, and allowed laughter to take over my days.

I do not know who I am becoming, but I am smiling uncontrollably...

I am celebrating the death of a relationship...

I wish it could have been different for me. I still love my W. I do (in many ways) want her back and to save the MR. I just do not know that I want this anymore...

She is mean...

[flowmom]

Wow patpat. You've done a 180, but maybe not the one that you intended? And you've switched pursuer/pursued roles with your W. Now you're the one wielding the power...is that feeling good to you?

[hhh]

The whole detaching thing you discuss above (and I'll post this w update to my stich)...I still have questions on. I think I detached pretty successfully across the fall months - completely GAL, went on dates, out w friends, dancing, did not really even think about H for days and days at a time...even thought, I am OK if this M ends. But part of me probably detached bc I knew it was the right thing to do, and maybe that detaching itself would help turn things around. Now that I have papers and things have gotten only worse, I am finding it hard to detach again, now that I know it is really really over. I guess what I am saying is that it is a lot easier to detach when there is still a glimmer of hope, but when that hope is gone, the detaching becomes hard again.

How to get back on the detaching horse when you know your marriage is really ending for good? And I still so don't want it to. My H has not yet filed but has given me the starter papers. I rarely have contatct w him, but may see him this week for dinner. I know detaching is for yourself but it's hard when all hope is squashed again. (and there is sadness, bitterness, anger, the desperation, obsessisve thoughts again). How to get back on it when you feel like you are going through being dumped all over again?