And, BTW, i've made NO R talk whatsoever, no sexual advances, nor tried to kiss etc....I am NOT showing desperation or neediness. I'm keeping up a good face, I think? , at least compared to the past..
She got her "fix" from OM and came back to bed, hugged her "brother" and fell to sleep. You've got to put some serious boundaries into place now, Rob. Are you ready?
Have you read what Coach, Puppy, Trent, Stuck, and the other guys have said about the correct way of laying out boundaries and the enforcing the consequenses?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, woke up early just now...heard wife in other room!!! discusted and sickened..She's having phone sex!! with the guy from south america. I did suspect but Wished and thought it was not true. What ??to do now??? gonna take a xanax and breathe. DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW????? this is sickening!! HELP
OK, I know people here think I'm a soft touch, but this is really beyond the pale.
Why on Earth would you just sit there and let her do that to you? She either didn't know you could hear her, or didn't care that you could hear her.
I'm not saying that you should have done anything foolish or dangerous. You could have walked into the room, told her to put her clothes on and find someplace else to sleep for the night. At worst, you could have left and found someplace to rest and clear your head.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Under the Newcomers forum is a thread called "Boundaries" by Coach. It has his & Puppy's examples.....and maybe Trent's, can't remember.
Right now you are so bombarded with emotions that you need to be away from her in order to think. I mean if she's running in and out of the room where you're trying to be on the computer....that's just keeping you torn up. You have to get your emotions settled in order to learn something. If you need to go for a walk, run, box, whatever to get that worked out of your system...it would be better for you.
I would paste the link but my computer is giving me trouble. If you can't find it, then I'll talk you though it. Maybe Trent will come back and guide you through what to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok I'm just going to say it, you don't sound like a man, you sound like a mouse and that's why she's pursuing sex from someone else, she wants a man, you aren't it - you sound like a scared little boy.
Can you see this?
Grab a hold of those raisins you call balls and tell her that you heard what she was doing and that she can't share your bed anymore, she can sleep on the couch and then she should start looking for another place to live. She obviously doesn't respect you to be able to do this while living with you and if that's the case she needs to leave.
But I don't think you have what it takes to go through with this.
So then I'll ask you this.
What will it take?
Do you need to come home to find her getting a good pounding from some strange man in your own bed and her telling you "honey could you wait outside for 30min. we're not done yet."
You will go crazy in your head if you don't get this figured out.
She isn't attracted to you because she doesn't respect you as a man: if you are similar to her as you are with us with the way you post questions always sounding scared, worried, never taking initiative in your situation, never putting yourself first, etc. How could you ever expect her to respect you and want to be with you? Just be honest with yourself.
You want her to want you?
Start being a man.
Respect yourself.
Stand up for yourself.
Stand up to her.
Bring up what she did, tell her you listened the whole time, tell her that you are disgusted, tell her that you can't be with someone who would so openly disrespect you this way, tell her that you've decided that she isn't worth it anymore, tell her you've been holding on to an image of her that doesn't exist anymore, tell her that life is short and she is right and that you finally get it, she doesn't want to be with you anymore and you finally understand that now and you don't want her to be with you if it wasn't by her choice and then tell her it's time for you to move on with your life, time for you to start dating and experiencing other women and it's time for her to pack her things and leave and if she asks why she has to be the one to leave, you tell her that she made the decision to leave you already when she started acting this way.
There, you have your "script" now, do you have the guts to use it or will you just sit there tormented by your thoughts and imagination about what other things she has done with other men at your expense?
Don't be angry, don't be a psycho jealous jerk, just be calm, act almost aloof, act like your eyes are open for the first time, you get it and now you don't care anymore, you just want her to move out and leave you so that you can have some peace & quiet and enjoy your life.
if you respond to the above post with another senseless question, I will just tell you that you still don't get it. Seriously every 2nd post from you is a question, your thread is 26 pages long and you are still asking questions like it's your first day here, spend some time reviewing the other threads, do some research, search posts by Gucci specifically, start buying some books, No more Mr.Nice Guy comes to mind with regards to you.
Boundaries let people know where they stop and you start. Boundaries let others know how they can treat you, if you can't show someone that you love and respect yourself then it's hard for them to do so. Boundaries are not controlling, manipulative, or blaming. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
When you make a boundary you are choosing for yourself how you let others treat you. When you make a choice you empower yourself. I have decided this is how I will be treated and I am responsible to myself, I am not a victim because I have a choice in my life.
Boundaries are about stating what is unacceptable for you, and why. She then has a choice of respecting the boundary, or ignoring it and facing the consequences. If you don't enforce the consequences....then don't bother to set a boundary.
Quote:
How to set and enforce boundaries:
Setting the Boundary:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . .
Quote:
Quote: Enforcing the Boundary:
If you ...(a description of the behavior you find unacceptable.)
I will ...(a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.)
Puppy describes the difference between boundaries and controlling:
Quote:
Quote: The best way I can answer is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
