Thanks VH.....I didnt' sleep.....yes it got into my head...
I just feel for my kids...they are the ones suffering in all this...I'm shocked...my D23 did go to her grandparents once and all she got was a lecture about what she should feel about her dad....so she left, disappointed, and frustrated...she did try to reach out...they just chose to create drama...
so, in all this some answers start to surface...H's mom has ALWAYS been controlling...im sure she controlled H's life while he was young...then when I married him I took care of him, did everything for him...which he probably thought I was trying to control it like his mom....I wasnt' but maybe came across as such...
MIL has made this about her and what she wants...it's not about her...or me or my kids....it's all about H...selfish and childish....a teenager with a girlfriend...
After crying all night, I woke up and sitting by my lamp was a picture that said, "I love my Grandma"..it was a picture of my D23's puppy....so cute....and I said to myself..This is why I am blessed....my children will always be close to me...and that's all I need...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
You are right it is so unfair to the children. They need you and you need them. As time passes, I find that me and my children are closer than ever. We have a bond now that ex does not have because we experienced ex's wrath, selfishness, denial, stupid behavior, etc.... We had to suffer through it together. We are also stronger because of it and sometimes can laugh about certain aspects of it.
We cannot live someone's elses life.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thx Trusting....I just had dinner here at the house with my 3 kids...we laughed and it was very nice...you're right my H is missing out on so much...my children and I are closer than we ever were...we tell each other we love each other all the time..it's a wonderful feeling..
But unfortunately we don't talk about H...we all have alot more fun not thinking about him right now..we enjoy each other..D23 isn't here very often and she leaves Sunday to go back to school so I'm sucking in every bit of her until she goes..I miss her more now when she leaves than I did when she was a freshman...I think because she is away longer between visits and soon she will be someone's wife...hard to believe she will be old enough to be making her own money and surviving on her own...I have to say....I raised some wonderful kids....they are truly an extension of me....
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, You are blessed in some many areas of your life: 1) three beautiful children who love you; 2) you have your health and a job; 3) you have your home and have the intelligence to know how to keep things in good working order; and 4)you have your parents and friends who are there for you whenever you need them.
I read where there was some issue about a Christmas gift given to your son and not to your daughters. I know that you were furious about the way it was handled, but as you know, none of us has control over the behavior of others. If you had issues with the gift and if you had a good relationship w/your inlaws, you could have spoken to them about it, otherwise beat the crap out of a pillow or come here and talk about it. Venting to him about his mother and her behavior did nothing and just frustrated you all the more. I do understand why you felt the way you did....just try not to vent to him about things that neither of you has any control over. If you want to have a relationship w/your h in co-parenting in a kind way, you will need to find a way to channel your frustration and anger into an area that you can control. The more you vent and point the finger at him, the more he's going to stay away and not deal w/you on any level and the more he will feel justified in what he's done and continues to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
NLT....HI!!!! I was thinking about you the other day....I'm not on here as much as I used to be....I guess I come here when I fall off the boat or get really frustrated or sad about somthing..I can't believe my H will have been gone from the house for 2 years in about 2 weeks...time has really flown by...my life keeps changing....do you still post? What's going on in your sitch..
Snodderly....thank you again for straightening me out...I did ruin a pillow but you are right it does help...my H is EXACTLY like his mother so why I vented to him I have no idea...wrong place wrong time...hit me the wrong way...it was like he was trying to cause me pain and start drama....unfortunately I don't have a close relationship with the in-laws any longer..they think my girls are wrong about everything...I'm not being sucked into her drama anymore...
my D23 found the card MIL gave my son for Christmas...she asked him what he got and he said it was a secret...now that's putting my 12 year old in a situation he doesnt deserve to be in...I don't know if H told him to say that or what...my son felt bad...D23 blew it off but texted me that she didn't even want to invite her grandparents to her wedding because they NEVER showed interest in anything she did all her life (this is true) but now MIL wants to punish my girls..so sad...but my D23 said she will be the bigger person and invite them...my guess is they won't show up anyway...and we say...their loss...D23 did decide to have her dad walk her down the aisle but that was before his parents started more crap...
I continue to be happy and upbeat when it comes to her wedding...she deserves full attention and it is totally her day...& we are having a ball planning....laughing and being together....
thanks as always snodderly for continuing to pound things in my head...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, I'm not trying to pound anything into your head, but I'm trying to get you to think before you vent at your h. Just as he is in MLC and is looking at you as the problem, etc., you are doing the same to him, i.e., looking at him as the problem for all of the problems happening in your life. We can only take ownership of our own lives and the mistakes we have made.
As for the mil, I'm sorry she did what she did, but your h wasn't at fault for that. He has no control over her anymore than her husband or you would have. As for your son saying it's a secret, he may have come up w/that on his own after the way that you responded to his gift. I do not think your mil is punishing your daughter at all. Older folks have a different way of looking at things, i.e., they give to the children who are under a certain age and since your daughter is 23 and living on her own, they may have felt she didn't need a monetary present. I know that my own grandparents were this way. Yes, it hurts, but you cannot change the way that they look at things. Two wrongs will not make a right. I hope that your daughter will invite them to the wedding just to show them that she's above such things.
One of the lessons that I had to learn was to not always taking the behavior of others as punishing me. I had to learn to not think like a victim and feel like everyone was out to get me. This is something all lbs need to learn....you will too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't come here & post as much as I used to either but I still check in & have to vent at times & ask for advice! You can check out my thread & see all the emails that I have gotten from the ow. That woman is mean & you can also see everything I've found out about her. she is a scary person!!!
I'm glad you are doing better. You just keep hanging in there & be good to yourself!! You deserve it! (((HUGS)))
I come on here on Saturdays to catch up with everyone's sitch..love reading what snodderly writes to everyone...and realize there are so many ppl here going through the same thing..
Anyhow...Wednesday I got a call MIL fell on the ice and broke her wrist, pretty bad, needed surgery yesterday..H texted me and told me surgery was yesterday so I texted back to let me know how it goes...he just said ok..I actually heard of the fall from my mom because they are best friends and work together..makes my sitch even more difficult...
I decided to be a big girl and put everything aside and email MIL to wish her well in her surgery, to let her know I would say a prayer for her, etc..no response..its okay though, my heart told me it was the right thing to do..
H texted me after surgery and said all went well...I just texted back thx, tell her hello...that was all the contact we had..
S12 has been sick for about 4 weeks now off and on with fevers, strep, he said his legs are killing him, and he sleeps non stop...been to the doc twice but for the strep..I think he is having growing pains..he is almost as tall as me and his dad is 6"1'...at least I'm hoping that is the case..he got up this morning, showered and is back in bed asleep again..I'm getting a little worried he might have mono..I guess it's another trip to the doc...
D17 got her first college acceptance..woohoo....it was good she needs some positive news...D23 and I have been extremely busy planning a wedding....I'm getting very excited about that..
All this is keeping me from thinking about H or what he is doing so that is good...
I will see H today at bball game...I'll be my cheerful self even know it kills me inside to see him...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Teese, I'm glad to see that you put on your "big girl panties" and sent her an email. However, you cannot expect a response so quickly. She just had surgery and may be in a cast w/pain meds. Another thing, if her arm is in a cast, she may not be able to type right now and/or may not be home yet. There are many variables here to consider....
I'm going to give you something to think about...have you ever given any thought that maybe God had a hand in this and wants you to reach out to your MIL? Stop and think about it....each and every time one of us is focusing on the things that our spouses have or haven't done, he puts another situation in our paths to turn our focus on to the new situation. In your case, you were upset about your son receiving a Christmas gift from his grandmother, less than a month ago. The accident she had could have been worse, i.e., she could have hit her head and died or broken a hip. I know you are going to get up tight about what I'm going to suggest, but I would send a nice card and sign it from the family. After all, she is your children's grandmother.
Treese, the dynamics swirling around you and your situation will not change until someone takes the first step in making changes. I know that you have mentioned many times that you and your MIL didn't really get along, but have you given any thought that she really doesn't know how to communicate w/you, especially now with the situation the way it is? She may not know what to say to you, and yet, she's good friends w/your mother.
I was in the same situation many years ago and I reached out just before my MIL died. There were so many things that I've regretted and should have done differently the first five years of my journey and now it's too late to talk to her. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes and then it will be too late.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
