Sandi's Place

[Dia]

Here it is. It's on page 4, but I don't know how to link to a specific post instead of the page.

First of all, let me give you an analogy about why a supposedly 'good', committed spouse gets drawn into an affair.

Imagine that you're in a closed room and the oxygen is slowly being sucked out. At first, you carry on with your life and you don't even notice. Then something seems subtly off, but most likely, you think it's you - you haven't been getting enough sleep, you're stressed, you need a vacation, something like that. As the precious oxygen drops lower and lower, everything becomes a struggle and an act of will. You start tapping on the windows to get someone's attention, but no one listens. "Hey, I can't breathe. I think there's a problem in here."

Joy, happiness, hope, optimism -- they're all being sucked out of you just like the air. Every movement feels like pushing through molasses and you're breathing in deep, ragged gasps. You may even pound on the doors screaming and crying for more air, just a little more... please...

Eventually, you sink to the floor in utter defeat, weakly saying goodbye to your spouse, your life, your children, because you know you're dying and no one cares. No one will help you. You're too weak even to cry.

Then just before your eyes close, someone slips a hose under the door and there's this thin trickle of pure, sweet O2. You're in disbelief for the first few breaths. Am I hallucinating? Is this real?? Someone is finally giving me what I need to live? A few more breaths and maybe you can push up from the floor. Another few and maybe you can even stand. You walk around, touch the walls but there's still no air in the rest of the room - so you have to go back to the hose.

Sometimes, maybe not for everybody, the hose begins to whisper.

"Breathe deeper. It's here for you."

"HE put you in here (your spouse). He's the one starving you for air."

"I can get you out. I can take care of you."

"I'll give you all the air you want for the rest of your life. All you have to do is open the door..."

You look back at your spouse, but the windows are thick, soundproof glass. He didn't hear you begging and pleading for air. He didn't seem to notice when you slumped to the floor half-dead. Or maybe he did. Maybe he was on the other side of the window telling you everything was fine; that the lack of air was all in your head. And maybe he even got mad at you for needing to breathe in the first place.

So you listen to the hose some more.

If you stay in the room, you'll die without the hose.

If you leave the room, you have to give up your life and leave your spouse behind.

How long will you let yourself gasp for air in the vacuum box before you give in and take the only thing promising you life?


The oxygen, of course, is love, and that's what it's like to get sucked into an affair.

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

I just wanted to wish you a very Happy New Year. Things are going fine here in detachment land. My W still hasn't really done anything or proceeded with the D or even going out on her own unless it's with her sister.

We do still see each other every weekend to do things with the kids but I think it's time I change that. I need something to crack that funk she's in.

You can see the latest on my updated post.

Any suggestions to it would be helpful. Hope you have a wonderful 2010!

[sandi2]

Awww, thank you sweetie. I was wanting to hear an update. I'll take a look.

[sandi2]

Thanks Dia! How you doing girl? Been meaning to drop by.

[chatterbug]

Sandi. I would love your opinion on my thread over in the affair section... Please read a few pages back.

And if you need my input on another thread please send me a message in mine.

Thank you so much for your support.



Puppy as well...

[givingitmyall]

Hey sandi. Hope you are well.

Just wanted to drop you a note to let you know my sitch has taken a turn southward. My W had me served with the D petition yesterday. Would love to hear your thoughts.

I have been getting some great advice from Coach and Greek, and many others.

Thanks.

[sandi2]

A word for Soleil:

After reading back on some threads and seeing some advice and encouragement given regarding a WAW, there is something I would like to point out. Soleil has been so kind in helping LBS's on board, and I wanted to express my opinion about something b/c it sounds as if some of us may come behind what she said and reply with opposite advice.

Soleil is a WAW, and if I have understood her stitch.....the difference in Soleil and a WAW like me -- is that she left still wishing the M could work......but it was her H who was/is the butthead. A WAW like Soleil is........how shall I say?.......has a different "heart" than a WAW like "me"!

A WAW who leaves an abusive type R is just not like the cold, rebelious ....(insert a few other adjectives) women who are in A's (or even those who aren't having an A).

I hope Greek won't mind me using her as an example....(can't think of many others off hand).....but if I remember the story correctly, even Greek, who wasn't in an EA, had a different "heart", so to speak, from those who came from an environment like Soleil's stitch. So, what Soleil has often advised the LBH about his WAW would/could be applied to women in a stitch similiar to hers.

I guess the farther I go the worse I'm making this..... That wasn't my intent. I really wanted to let Soleil and everyone else know that I believe there are different types, attitudes, or "hearts" of the WAW and therefore the techniques might vary due to that. I don't want her or anyone to think that I am coming behind them and tearing down what they have tried to say to a newcomer.

I realize I've not been able to explain this like I wanted to and if it does make sense to any of you, would you let me know? OTOH, if I have confused the heck out of you, well you can let me know that also. And, Soleil, if you catch this, I hope you will understand what I'm saying and you will continue to be the encouragement to board memebers that you have been doing. You have a very sweet & encouraging word to newcomers....and they often need to hear that.

[sandi2]

Puppy.....Pupppppppppyyyyyyyy

I miss talking to you, sweetie. Drop by and tell me how things are going.

[mza8]

Sandi,

You have been so kind to help me with my sitch (Looking for help with WAW) I wanted to comment in your thread.

Yes, your comments about how WAWs are different makes perfec sense to me. This is very helpful information. I read a lot of other people's situations to help me better try to understand my own. It's interesting to see the POV from the WAWs. Soleil was very kind to comment and give me some insight to my sitch. Sandi, you are correct that us LBHs need some words of encouragement and Soleil did that for me. Soleil's sitch is one of the many sitch's that I follow. Soleil, I hope and pray that your sitch works out the way you want it. You are a very kind hearted person and deserve the best.

Sandi, I'm sure I speak for all of those on this board that you have helped and continue to help that we thank you for your support, advice, caring and yes, tough love at times. Please keep up the 2x4s for me when I need them.

Most of us on this board love our WAS very much and we seek the advice from the good people on this board to help us through this difficult time. I agree with you Sandi that WAWs can be different in their thinking and the way they act. My WAW seems to fall in the cold, self absorbed category. I have been making mistakes lately that I need to correct in my sitch.

Best wishes for all of us who find ourselves on this board.

God bless.

mza8

[Wholeagain]

Sandi2, yes your post on different WAS makes total sense.

The way I see it WAS is a person who has checked out of M, they don't want things to work out.

It might look like it's complicated, you (I don't mean sandi) left but you want your M to work, what kind of WAS are you? If you want to save your M, than you are not a WAS.

IMHO, in the case of abuse walking away is enforcing boundary and keeping yourself safe.

I believe there must be a different set of rules to follow in that case.

I've seen one poster (jane73 or something like that) with abuse sitch that worked out. Unfortunately there are many posters where abuse kept escalating.