I posted this on BBJ thread yesterday and figured I may as well put it here too.
Quote:
My H's list of indiscretions is longer than Dan's, but then we have been married longer. I am pretty sure that my H only had one real PA, but there have been several internet and EA's. PA or EA, it all hurts very deeply, a lie is a lie is a lie...
I figured something out just this past Sunday night. I know I haven't said much about my sitch lately, but I will try and fill you in. Basically I am done with the marriage. I am willing to stay legally married for a couple of years in order to pay our debts off, but only if we have a true (in every sense of the word) separation.
H is in panic mode again. He called me Sunday to say he wants to be married (never said to me btw) and does not want to throw everything away. No plan to fix things though...
Then he went on to say he understands now why he seeks out these other woman online... "because he doesn't feel wanted by me." Okay I will play along, so I asked him (via txt) what I could do to make him feel wanted.
He txt'd back three things and when I saw them it hit me. Why we don't work... I cant give him the things he needs because I have no trust. I can trace back to early in our marriage when the trust began to erode. While I was not able to acknowledge it or admit it to myself during all these years I was also not able to function as a wife should.
The abuse I suffered as a child and the unhealthy coping skills I learned followed me into this dysfunctional marriage. I've realized I have a very keen intuition and good instincts. I even know most of the time if H is telling me the truth or not. But I denied that for all these years. I could not face the fact that my H would lie.
However with all that said I wish there was a way to repair things. I doubt I will ever give up that hope. But I know with out my H doing some real work on himself, we could not even begin to work on our marriage.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
So sorry things stand the way they do....I know it is true for me, too, my H would have to choose to make a lot of changes within himself before we could ever try to build a new relationship. Knowing that doesn't really make it hurt less, not for me, anyway!!
At least you are cutting down your debt. That is next on my to-do list...
FWIW, I haven't been able to give up hope on my M, either...
Glad to hear from you--I was getting worried!!! Hopefully your H will decide the marriage is important and will work on himself. YOU have come so far, though! I admire you for your courage!!!
I miss being married, but I am happier being by myself than being in an unhealthy marriage. My ex and I still communicate, but it is easier since I am in another state and don't worry about running into Ex and ow in the grocery store.
