Original plan for tonite, agreed upon 3 days ago, was that she would pick the kids up at Kid Sports Complex after Boy Child's lesson at Dinner Hour, take them to her place, feed etc. them, then off they go early tomorrow to Snow Place for the weekend. I was to have the carry-on bags packed for them with their travel stuff. Did my part.
So.
STBXMRSSP calls at Dinner Hour Minus Three. She finds she has to go to the Dr. "for something." How about SP collects them from Sports Complex, feeds them, and drops them off at her house at Dinner Hour Plus Two? "Is this life-threatening?" No, just something.
Doing this will mean I have to cancel my tennis match.
So.
What's my move? Do I say "consequences," compel her to skip the Doc or find a ride and possibly hang the kids out to dry without a sure pickup and feeling hungry?
Do I rescue her and TCB my kids and take the hit on the DB boards for obviously still harboring secret fantasies of reunion and renewal?
You are a parent. Your kids come first over tennis or anything else. Why do you count on her in the first place? You need to renegotiate kid-time, with you taking 90% of it. It is getting to the point that she can only be trusted with a supervised visit, as she might ditch them somewhere to go do her thing. Personally, I think a 17 year old with a driver's license is more responsible than she is.
Original plan for tonite, agreed upon 3 days ago, was that she would pick the kids up at Kid Sports Complex after Boy Child's lesson at Dinner Hour, take them to her place, feed etc. them, then off they go early tomorrow to Snow Place for the weekend. I was to have the carry-on bags packed for them with their travel stuff. Did my part.
So.
STBXMRSSP calls at Dinner Hour Minus Three. She finds she has to go to the Dr. "for something." How about SP collects them from Sports Complex, feeds them, and drops them off at her house at Dinner Hour Plus Two? "Is this life-threatening?" No, just something.
Doing this will mean I have to cancel my tennis match.
So.
What's my move? Do I say "consequences," compel her to skip the Doc or find a ride and possibly hang the kids out to dry without a sure pickup and feeling hungry?
Do I rescue her and TCB my kids and take the hit on the DB boards for obviously still harboring secret fantasies of reunion and renewal?
Sounded like another one of her tests, let's face it, if you couldn't have picked them up regardless of what you were doing, do you really believe she would leave them somewhere to fend for themselves while she took care of her own business?
SP do you believe she is that heartless towards her own kids? She may be like that to you but she wouldn't have done that to them, regardless of how horrible we all believe she is, let's admit it, push comes to shove, if you couldn't have made it, you know she would have cancelled her "doctor's appt" (yeah right, I believe that one, she has a case of broken brain syndrome). Seriously if she's cognizant enough to go to the "doctors", she would have re-scheduled that and picked them up. I believe that in my heart 150%.
SP, cover your a$$. Give the boy a cell phone, give him your number, in case she flakes out and does ditch them, boy calls you, you pick up kids, end of story.
She tested you again, and she knew you would give in... like usual. Women testing men, hmmmm.... I've never mentioned anything about that before have i? hmmmm....
And SP still harboring secret fantasies of reunion and renewal with Mrs.STBXSP, yeah I'm sure she has a bit of a clue about that "fantasy" as well and oh how she uses it to her advantage.
How does taking care of one's own children equate to still harboring secret fantasies of reunion and renewal with the Mrs.? The kids are young. They will grow up, and SP will have a chance to play lots of tennis then. Right now he has an important role to fill taking care of his own children. Rob, these knee-jerk tit for tat reactions that you advocate are just childish. "She pushed you; you push back harder." When you are a parent, your first responsibility is to your children. If kids only have one responsible parent, that is enough. It's sad for the kids that their Mom is not interested in spending time with them. The solution is not for their Dad to appear the same.
Now when I wrote that bit about secret fantasies, I was being facetious - merely pointing out that no matter what the circumstances any proactive moves that also happen to provide STBXMRSSP with some benefit are chalked-up to not being detached, etc. Wasn't actually saying I have such fantasies.
I'm self-aware enough to know, for example, that even if the Mighty Zeus Hisself flung down a lightning bolt from high atop Mount Olympus, the explosion of which cast the 2 of us into a parallel consciousness and compelled us to get back together, I am a Class A Hypocrite and Sexist Double-Standarded Pig, and would find it well-nigh impossible to cope with the possession of her body by Signores 1 through n. That would be a Fort Knox-sized investment in psychotherapy. And yes - that's totally bogus and unfair and what about Miss Someone and yes that's absolutely right. But still. My sex play is just good wholesome adult fun; hers is disgusting whore-stuff. So I'll take an order of fries with that crow.
So STBX accused me on D-Day of not being reliable. So I'm reliable. Is she testing me? Undoubtedly. Do I care? No. Because she's also testing herself, though she doesn't know it - and is failing. I think I know her well-enough to know that her desire to be a good parent is sincere; it just keeps colliding with the fact that this MLC (or whatever it is she's into) has turned her into what @CityGirl spectacularly compares to a college freshman - Freedom Baybee!
I'm going to Take Care of Binness. The kids will know. They'll remember. And they'll get their payback, one way or another. And yes - I do keep score (because I'm not completely detached, it's true - I can't turn off the feelings where what she does to Themselves are concerned) because I'm no Paulite - I'm more of a Corinthian. Impatient and none too kind.
Will have to relate some awful kid stories this weekend; grist for the why-D-is-a-bad-idea folder, but I can't quite cope with them now. Nothing STBXMRSSP did, mind you - just Art Linklater stuff. They say. The Darnedest Things.
And yes - that's totally bogus and unfair and what about Miss Someone and yes that's absolutely right. But still. My sex play is just good wholesome adult fun; hers is disgusting whore-stuff.
My inner feminist is screeching "wtf?????" Double standard much?
RE: what Gypsy (I think) said about kids and perceived adult boundaries. When I read that, I thought, "That is an interesting point to consider." But I wonder at what age they start to be able to connect the dots like that ("Daddy doesn't say 'how high' when mom says 'jump'") as opposed to "Doesn't *anybody* want us???"
This is such a stone bitch of a conundrum because part of me totally agrees with Rob, et al, about standing your ground and ceasing to enable her irresponsible and selfish decisions. But then there's a part of me that dies a little bit when I imagine kidlets picking up on (or, worse, hearing directly) any interaction between their parents that goes like, "You take them." "No, it's your time; you take them." Wash, rinse, repeat, regurgitate.
Do whatever you can live with, dude. (((SP)))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Exactly! What can't be done here on a subjective online forum, can be done in real life. You, SP, will have to assess whether you can back off a little and make her take responsibility or not. And, this is not black and white. You have some time here to test her yourself and see what she's made of BEFORE settling on an agreement. Trust me, it wont scar the kids for life or form the final impression. If she proves to be dangerously unreliable then you you document and make your agreement accordingly (which you also will change if she makes some major shift in the future)...this conversation gets so life or death and all or nothing but you've got wiggle room...give her some rope, see what she does with it. In that way, for now, I agree with Rob. If she proves she's really not just pretending to be a callous, insensitive non-mother than you'll take that to the judge (and the bank)...I suspect she is capable and will deliver if she must. It's her achilles heel, her worst fear and optimally, she'll woman up at least a little.
