Okay, so we all know what I did.

Now when I wrote that bit about secret fantasies, I was being facetious - merely pointing out that no matter what the circumstances any proactive moves that also happen to provide STBXMRSSP with some benefit are chalked-up to not being detached, etc. Wasn't actually saying I have such fantasies.

I'm self-aware enough to know, for example, that even if the Mighty Zeus Hisself flung down a lightning bolt from high atop Mount Olympus, the explosion of which cast the 2 of us into a parallel consciousness and compelled us to get back together, I am a Class A Hypocrite and Sexist Double-Standarded Pig, and would find it well-nigh impossible to cope with the possession of her body by Signores 1 through n. That would be a Fort Knox-sized investment in psychotherapy. And yes - that's totally bogus and unfair and what about Miss Someone and yes that's absolutely right. But still. My sex play is just good wholesome adult fun; hers is disgusting whore-stuff. So I'll take an order of fries with that crow.

So STBX accused me on D-Day of not being reliable. So I'm reliable. Is she testing me? Undoubtedly. Do I care? No. Because she's also testing herself, though she doesn't know it - and is failing. I think I know her well-enough to know that her desire to be a good parent is sincere; it just keeps colliding with the fact that this MLC (or whatever it is she's into) has turned her into what @CityGirl spectacularly compares to a college freshman - Freedom Baybee!

I'm going to Take Care of Binness. The kids will know. They'll remember. And they'll get their payback, one way or another. And yes - I do keep score (because I'm not completely detached, it's true - I can't turn off the feelings where what she does to Themselves are concerned) because I'm no Paulite - I'm more of a Corinthian. Impatient and none too kind.

Will have to relate some awful kid stories this weekend; grist for the why-D-is-a-bad-idea folder, but I can't quite cope with them now. Nothing STBXMRSSP did, mind you - just Art Linklater stuff. They say. The Darnedest Things.