Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Journaling a little here- if this is what I did to W or what she felt I did to her, wow, I feel like crap. She says I wasn't calling her or e-mailing her and if she felt like I do now, man I feel like a total heel. I would like to think she is doing this to me so I see what it was like, but that is wishful thinking, I think it is really just a fact that she is a WAS and has completed her pull back. Gosh that sucks. 10 days ago, we were making progress...and it was with actions not words. It was the smiles after working out, it was the offering to make my lunch, it was the comments that "tomorrow morning's workout is going to be so fun" and then the suicide and at first she turns to me and I'm really feeling optimistic about things...then crash. She starts pulling back, she starts getting cold, she goes on trip and I'm sure is getting the alien injection from talking to OM and now I get 15 seconds on the phone with her and she won't even share if having to view the body was rough on her or not. I learn more about what she is doing there from facebook of her co-worker I get along with so well.
I was so pissed at the 15 second conversation that I snapped at daughter which upset me and then I was so upset about it all, i didn't even rent myself a movie. I think a couple of beers and a sleeping pill tonight instead of a movie.
Man she killed my PMA! I know she shouldn't but all it would have took was 2 minutes of talking...I had on my new shirt, new cologne, girls were happy, I was going to get myself a movie, and she had to call right then.
This is not detaching. I miss her too much still.
Tonight I need to act like I am the WAS...maybe that will help.