Also, even when they agree, don't bring up the depression too much. Sometimes they turn it back on you and say you are just trying to keep them from freedom (divorce) by saying that. They really are looking for anything to take away the pain it seems.
OldPilot I appreciate the links. I definitely need to detach!!
rr22: My h has not lived with me for seven months now. I know he is going out at times with some younger guys he has hooked up with. I am tired of him treating me like used goods while he does whatever he wants. If he is depressed then that is different.
He keeps telling me he is not going out but I think he is. Does someone who is depressed go out partying?! I do believe it is possible that he is in a lot of mental pain and he is trying to numb it with anything he thinks will make him feel better. I am so tired of it.
I do think I need to detach and go on with my life. I also think I have been too understanding. I think he has taken advantage of it!
As for what I'm doing, I'm separated and not complaining about it. I swing back and forth from being very angry at his selfishness, very sympathetic for his pain, and very sad for both of our losses. I had to start individual counseling to even deal with this. I'm trying to detach but it is difficult. I'm considerably more detached than I was during the SHOCK stage when it all started, but still not detached enough. Currently H started counseling on his own. Unclear whether it will be enough to cure depression or aid marriage. About whether they have a choice or not, sometimes I wish my H would go get some meds for a few months and see if it would help anything. If I were to suggest this, I know he would become resentful and accuse me of controlling him, so I don't. My counselor thinks he needs counseling and meds to get over this. Not sure why or if his counselor has referred him to an MD or not. He may not have when my H stated his opposition to meds. Sometimes he seems a little better. Often he tells me he worries he is "going crazy." It's difficult. We mostly have phone contact and only see each other in person very occasionally.
Mine is younger than yours but goes out with slightly younger guys to bars. He does it much more frequently than he did when we lived together. In the beginning I saw it as partying. Now I see it as desperate flee from loneliness of his empty apartment. Maybe I'm in denial, but I don't think so. Yes, mine is trying to go on with his life, but it seems not to be working. He keeps calling me for reassurance and support even though I'm supposedly his main problem in life. Stop initiating contact and only respond to his contacting you later in the day or the next day. Mine takes me for granted the more I initiate contact or respond quickly to him. It's really silly. The less understanding I am, however, the more he avoids me. It has been like this for quite a while. Recently I think his going out and avoidance has stopped working for him and he seems to be feeling worse. That could happen to your H too. Or he could drink himself under the table. Hard to say.
Wow your situation sounds similiar to mine. Can I ask how old your H is? Mine is 44 and I thought from almost day one of this whole mess that he was going through a depression. Before I saw the turn in his personality he would cry all the time. I would often tell him that I didn't mind him crying but I thought he needed to talk to someone. He was seeing a IC but I really think she made everything worse than better.
I have not gone dark with him before but have tried to stay close to him. It will be interesting to see what he does? He may go ahead and call his attorney next week or he may wait to see what I am going to do. I do believe I am ready to move on.
If you complain about the partying he might try to act like you are his mother and turn the focus of his unhappiness on you. That's the Catch-22. It seem they need to go out until they get sick of it and more and more depressed. If you act like you care, he gets to get angry and that energizes him out of his depression. It's a really twisted situation. There's no other way to describe it.
He keeps calling me for reassurance and support even though I'm supposedly his main problem in life. Stop initiating contact and only respond to his contacting you later in the day or the next day. Mine takes me for granted the more I initiate contact or respond quickly to him. It's really silly. The less understanding I am, however, the more he avoids me.
That is exactly what my H does. Especially the last part which is bizarre. So how do you handle it? It is like they want us there but they don't want us!!!
Mine is mid-thirties. It's definitely depression but also has early mid-life crisis components along with some legitimate relationship problems that could be solved if not for the depression and mid-life crisis aspects. But the depression is the biggest component it seems and that's why no headway ever gets made. I need to go dark for a few weeks. I've never managed it for more than three days total. I probably should force myself to do it. I've managed to get us on friendlier terms and I'm scared to mess it up because it took a long time. He has a lot of resentments. Also he both claims I am free to move on and expresses resentment if I seem to be moving on in any way. He is concerned when I take on new activities and make new friends and such but I do it anyway. No, I'm not dating and don't want to be. But I'm not going to do this forever. I'm trying to see if some baby steps of progress I have noticed lead to anything more promising soon while GAL myself.
