I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[MarkG]

Holy crap that's my story, almost exact. #1 if you want to save your marriage, don't seek his approval in your changes. Like he told you, change for yourself because there is no "we". That's how you have to look at it if you're going to impress him. I've managed to get to that point with my WAW a few times already, only to ask when we're going to have "the talk" and she ran faster and harder than she did the previous times. You are too needy for him so you need more independence from him to impress him, but doing it while not trying to impress him is what's going to impress him even more. If you're not opposed to it you might also consider dating. I tried this and it made my WAW so jealous she started talking to me instantly. There was about a 3 minute blowup over the phone and we were talking like old friends. My mistake was I became too confident in the renewed friendship and told her about all the flaws in the new R and she lost interest immediately.

Based on the abuse and how he wonders how you love him you might want to check out borderline personality disorder. It occurs mostly in people who were abused as children. It makes special mention of sexual abuse, which is why I'd assume he didn't want to talk about it before.

Lastly, if you don't want a D, make him do it. It's best to avoid the conversation about the D alltogether, but if not possible just keep doing what you've been doing. The less you talk to him the less you'll have to answer those questions. This is the same spot I'm at with my wife, who's OM is going to pay for our divorce. Just tell him it's his decision his responsibility, you don't have the time or money to take care of it right now. Good luck and hang in there!