I would love to read the book you recommend, antlers, I'm going to try and get my hands on a copy. Sometimes I think emotional scars take much longer to heal than physical scars because they get you psychologically. Bright - my husband also liked to complain about me to people especially my parents. He once gave my mother a list of things he said I had to change otherwise he would leave me. It was all so crazy, so hurtful - I always asked him why in the world he wanted to marry me in the first place. We really didn't date for very long and now when I think about it we really didn't know each other well.
He was so charming when we first met though... It was only during the time when we were getting married that he started displaying wierd behavior - getting enraged at stupid things. I had fallen in love with him and the idea of getting married by then. And I found myself in a mess I just didn't know how to get out of. We lived in Mexico for his job... After 2 weeks of marriage he threw me out of the house - I was in a strange city, no money, no family, no friends, didn't speak the language. I walked around and sat at a cafe crying not knowing what to do... Things didn't get much better - but I tried so hard to make things work. I tried like antlers says to figure out what would make him mad and would do everything not to make that happen.
But that process is very draining and I was always scared. When my mother came to visit me she was shocked to see me - she was like "what's happened to you" - Still it was so classic because this man was not always mean. He could be terribly charming and so great to be with sometimes - I just never knew when things were going to be bad. And if they were bad they were my fault.
I don't think he ever apologized to me... ever. It's very confusing you know, I just don't understand why he treated me that way. I tried so hard to do everything his way. I mean I'm not perfect but I wanted to do whatever it took to make us both happy.
He disposed of me and our daughter like we were worthless. I can't understand how someone has such cruelty as part of their nature. I've never met anyone like him before. And the weird thing is I think when other people meet him they are really impressed he has a completly different persona.
I'm working through things - seeing a therapist now. I understand what happened to me wasn't normal. But it has affected me - there's no denying that. My good friends say there is a heavyness about me... And I know there is but I can't seem to unload it. Everyone says move on - forget him - forget what happened. They make it seem easy. That's why I like posting here - it's the only place I feel really understood. Really understood.
I want to feel light again - I don't want to be angry and bitter. I just don't see how I can have a normal relationship even if I continue to feel all these things.
My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. I can't even think about getting involved with anyone although I am so lonely and would love to be in a loving relationship - and think I deserve one. I just think that my emotional needs are so high right now that no one is going to be able to fulfill them.
I've started realizing too that I seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men. My Ex was and this ex boyfriend seems to be similar (not abusive) but a little aloof and I am just happy at least now I have the strength to say you know what - this is not right for me. I need a really loving person - not another jerk.
