Question

[awest1217]

Thanks Kemper, and i completely understand what you are saying. I know #1 sounds a little harsh, but I have only once kept H away from S and that was on S's b-day party because H had not paid any child support at all since he moved out in April, and he was not seeing S, except when i pushed the issue. I would never stop H from having a relationship with S (I know also personally what this can do to a child), although I don't like it because H has some major issues with women and he is not a good role model, but S needs his dad and ultimately I want H to be with S all the time. I just meant that if H doesn't want to be in S's life full time (meaning keeping to a visitation plan and not going weeks with nothing then some weeks is every day, some is once and once again weeks with nothing) then he doesn't need to bother us at all. S is 2 and this coming sometimes and not coming others is confusing for him. H is the one who when he is mad at me will not see S. I have tried to foster a relationship for most of the separation. This is the first time I am not doing it, which is hard because it kills S, but I am just letting H make his choices and if he doesn't want to see S that is his choice. I am not going to try to get him to, which I would have up until now.

Thank you for your input. I agree with what you said. I am going to probably actually keep 600 because I paid for all of his family's christmas gifts and my family's (this is when is really seemed like he was going to come home) so the extra $100 repays me for the money I spent on his family for Christmas and for his half of the cell phone bill I pay. My only problem is I really want to stay away from where he lives and if I am going to give him the check I should also give hiim all the mail that is piling up here as well...although mailing is a good idea, but I don't know if he is even still living in the same place.

Any others?

[Kemper]

I agree with not forcing your H to try and see S. His seeing S is a choice he needs to make. At this point you do need to be "both" parents for S. You sound like a very, very strong woman so I have no doubt that you can do it and provide the very best loving environment for S. Does it suck that you have to do that, yes. Being a father myself of two young boys I couldn't see how anyone could be so irresponsible. However, based on reading a bunch of sitchs it never fails that the WAS does some pretty amazing crap.

No issues on the input about the money. What about taking the extra hundred and putting it into a savings account for S. If H ever trys to pull anything regarding the money you can show that there is an individual account for S. Just another thought.

[ClingingToHope]

You keep every dime and spend it on bills and start to document everything. Why would you give any of it back?

[awest1217]

Thank you for the thoughts. I text H today and told him I am goign to do what Kemper said and keep the $600 and told him why and then give the extra $100 to S. Still no response, but I feel I did my part by telling him. I also told him I still feel uneasy about taking the money at all, but that is it.

The other thing is once again last night, I was looking at one of my sister's FB status and H commented on it. I don't get him. He can comment on my sister's status, but not talk to me. The status was about my nephew and H said how he is excited to have him at the same school as him next year. WHAT?!?!?! Background: My sister's family is moving up here from TN and they are looking to move into a place where my nephews will go to school where H works. He is acting like everything is A-Okay with everyone except me. I DON'T GET IT! My nephews are very vocal and since they are young they don't have the don't say that button so when they move here and see that H is not living with me and S they will say something to him or their friends, which will bring it up at school and start this whole mess over. Plus they are not going to like him too much, especially the older one whom H will see more. Either way...won't contact me or see S, but he gives us money and then talks to my family about how he can't wait to see them next year at school. I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but once again I am trying so hard to move on, and he just keeps popping up. I just want him to either be in our lives (I am planning on acting as an X where we talk about S and he sees S and that is it), or just completely stays out which includes not talking to my family. AHHHHH!

[Lucky11too]

Wow, your gut feeling is amazing. You had the feeling something big was going to happen and then the money shows up. That's pretty impressive. I agree you did the right thing about keeping the money. In the future, it's probably a good idea to avoid the multiple calls/texts to H though, especially as long as he is unresponsive and ignoring you. I know you were curious about why he sent the money but you don't want to overpush the issue either. It's good that you let him know what you are doing with the money though, so you can just leave it at that. Hopefully, his giving you the money is a sign that he is just taking responsibilty for his role in supporting S, and as long as you continue to track and document everything, he'll have no way to use it to manipulate it against you, despite any possible motives. And next time (hopefully there's a next time), maybe just say thank you for the money (so he knows it didn't lost and stolen) and leave it at that. I would not continue to let him know that it makes you uneasy as they may deter him from making future payments.

It really is impossible to know his motives regarding commenting to your family. It could be as innocent as he is ignorant to the fact that your family does not like him and thinks they would actually like to hear from him still (I'm learning with my own H that some of these common sense things are just not common sense to them. I don't get it) to as sinister as he's using it as a control issue to remind you that he can still get to you, or it could be for some completely different reason. The truth is you really don't know. Easier to say than to do, I know, but do what it takes to not let it get to you or he will continue to have that control and power over you.

[ClingingToHope]

The FaceBook comment shouldn't be surprising. When I went to W's for Christmas I focused on talking to her mom and her sister. Over the years I hadn't been as nice to them as I should have. I've always had a problem of holding people at arm's length, dealing with them on my terms.

So on Christmas I wanted to act the way I should always have acted. It didn't feel fake, but I'm sure W could have taken it that way.

Sounds like your H is trying to foster positive relationships with everyone around you so that they'll be in his corner when push comes to shove.

Maybe I've psychologically done that as well. I know W can feel smothered because I have a lot more friends than she does and also know a lot of people through my job. It might be why she's spending so much of her party time in a little rural town about 30 minutes from here. I don't know anyone there. She isn't reminded of me at all when she's out there.

[awest1217]

Lucky - I know my gut is awesome. Part of the reason why H always thought I was snooping all the time. I wouldn't, but then I would get this feeling and I would check and there it all would be. It is crazy, but more and more I am trying to realize when my gut is telling me something because when I ignore it is when I get hurt. Being aware, kind of helped this time. I also agree I need to stop calling all the time. I know it is pushy, but I really wanted to know why. I only text him twice and I completely agree if it happens next month, I will just say thank you and that is it. I was just caught off guard this time.

As to the FB comments, I agree with CTH that he is just trying to keep a "good" relationship due to the fact that he will have to see my sister, her husband and my nephews quite often. WHo knows how all that will pan out, but it doesn't involve me so I don't need to worry about it. I have also learned to not plan very far ahead because when I do, the plans fail because right now I have no clue where I will be from month to month because life changes. H could be back, we could be divorcing, we could still be in this check mate. I don't know so no need to worry. Just live in teh here, and the here is good.

Last note, my inlaws called to do pizza. Not a problem so I went over there with S. My MIL said something about H having to do grades. He might have to do grades, but what that tells me is that he has not told his parents that he is not talking to me at all. He never even told them he moved back in, in October and left again so why tell them that after spending tons of time together over Christmas, he just dropped us. Still no divorce papers so maybe he isn't going to divorce me and maybe, just maybe (I doubt) he is getting help, but I doubt it. The only thing I am worried about is the only person he is talking to now is OW. He won't talk to his parents, or me so all that is left is her....not good for me, unless his college friend started talking to him, but they haven't talked much since they graduated, although they stay in touch. It just worries me more because he needs help and OW can't help him. There is no chance of change if OW is all that is in his life....

On to a fun filled weekend of sledding, sleeping, cleaning, and maybe shopping.

[awest1217]

well...here is the bad thing for the weekend. S threw up last night all over my bed. Then he continued to be sick the rest of the night. Now he is feeling better. He is acting perfectly fine and even ate a bunch for breakfast, but a long night.

A good thing for me. Once S was done with the first round, I needed to get him clean and have some help doing it so instead of calling H, I called my mom who came over with my little sister right away. It was good to have her here to help as kept getting sick. H will probably find out about the sickness because I called my inlaws to warn them in case they get sick so he will probably hear from them, but oh well.

One question:In-laws are having the extended family over Sunday. They invited S and I, but I think they were also trying to imply H too since they don't know we are not having any contact at all. Should I go or respectfully decline?

[Lucky11too]

Oh, I totally feel for you with S getting the stomach flu. I went thru that with my S on New's Years day and it was not pretty. He threw up everywhere (but luckily one place he did not throw up on was my bed). It was my first experience with S getting the stomach flu and it broke my heart to see him so miserable. Be careful for yourself too. If it is a similar bug to one one going around here, it is extremely contagious! It ended up going around to my whole family and extended family!

Well, I think you'll need to evaluate the ackwardness of the situation, but it seems like since you do have a good relationship with your in-laws and you want to continue to foster that for S's sake as his grandparents, that you shouldn't let H stupidness affect that. Besides, they invited you and if he's too sheepish to tell them the truth of what's going on, then that's his issue, not yours or S's. Maybe hint to your inlaws to let H know you're coming (even if you do or do not tell them you aren't talking) and make him make the decision. I know in some of our lower points, I continued to go to family events b/c his family loves me and wanted to see me and definitely wanted to see S (so therefore, me acting as S's sole guardian right now, automatically means I'm there too). But it really comes down to how you feel about it and how those relationships are. If it would feel too ackward for you, then I would say don't go then, b/c unless you are a great actress, the ackwardness will show. I know for me though it's been more than just about H and I and resisiting contact or what not, it's about keeping strong family relations for S's sake, so that no matter what happens to H and I, S will always have a strong family bond and a large and loving family! (actually, just came back from an anniversary dinner for H's sister with just his sister and family, his parents, and his aunt and cousin. Very glad for those bonds! ;-) )

[awest1217]

Lucky- I agree with you and I am planning on going as long as I am feeling ok, which i am right now. Things are usually not awkward, although i always hope that one day I will get my chance to tell my side of the story, but I know I won't so I just enjoy being around extra family and support. S loves his grandparents and uncles so it is good for him to see them as well.

So...why am I up at 2:30 in the morning...another dream. I am mostly just writing this down because last time the dream came somewhat true so I am just putting it down in case it does or if nothing else, it will remind me why I need to ignore H even if he ever contacts me again until he PROVES he has changed.

In my dream, H and I were moving into my brother's house (my brother said I could move in there if I lose the house). It was weird that it was H and I, but ok. My brother and sister-in-law were there helping to move stuff and do a little yard work. Then as I am walking through the house I see OW's jacket. I think to myself NO WAY! NO WAY he would bring her here when we are trying to start over. So I look in the bedroom and sometime while I was doing yard work, H had brought over not only h is things, but OW's stuff was still in his drawers. So I took all of her stuff out and put it on the bed to get rid of later.Then one of my brother's old, my new, neighbors comes over to say that it was not safe to live there. I guess in teh dream, my brother and his family had moved out for a while and it was vacant. They don't live in the best neighborhood, but not hte worst either. So in the dream people had been breaking in to live there and according to this neighbor bad people were waiting a lot at the house. I talked to my sister-in-law and she said that the house was fine and the neighbor was a little paranoid, then my brother and sister-in-law leave. I go to talk to H about the situation and there in the kitchen is OW starting to make cookies. In my kitchen! I go to throw her out and when I do, H says they are just friends and if he throws her out then he will throw something of mine out (i am not sure what he was holding, but it wasn't anything important because it didn't bother me). We argued for a minute about the clothes, and then pushed OW out the door and woke up.

I haven't been able to fall asleep since. I don't know what this all means, especially since I am not snooping on H and I haven't talked to him in two weeks. I am sure I am upset because I know H and OW are always together, and it frustrates me, but if nothing else this once again reminds me no coming home without proof he has changed or I will be in this situation again like I have been for 10 years. I need to let him go and live his life. Maybe one day he will realize what he is missing and actually change his life and come home because many women will not fulfill the void he has in his life. They never have and never will. This dream is just adding to the uneasy feeling that something still is going to happen, but who knows...

Hopefully now I can go back to sleep!