Moving Foward

[dwinter82]

I have some "Goo Gone" I purchased from Home Depot...may be worth a try??!!

[Kemper]

Nikblondiew,

I know deep down I would take her back BUT there would be a lot of things that would need to change on her part for that to happen.

So sorry to hear that he is depressed and battling drinking again. I think the majority of us on here wouldn't take our S back the way they are NOW. I know that I don't want my W back the way she is now, but I would be willing to work on the R/M IF she came to her senses, respected the boundaries, and actually TRIED to work at it.

I think even in a M you need to take care of yourself. I think that is why we are hear. How can we become the people we once were or want to be if we are in a R or not. We let part of ourselves go when we said "I Do" and in an unhealthy way.

I think it is normal to question if you would be with the same person again after all they have done. I will say that I have and still don't believe in D except for in extremem circumstances (e.g. abuse) but I don't see another choice at this point then to move the bus in that direction and see if my W "wakes" up because of it.

[Kemper]

MHL,

I don't see it as a hijack. It is a good discussion and very true for both our spouses and sometimes us as well.

[Kemper]

Well I met with my C this morning and that went well. I switch between anger for what is happening and why, feeling sorry for my W, and fear of what is about to come, esp. for my boys. I wouldn't say that I have bad days, more like a bad hour here or there. I have been doing really well of "snapping" myself out of bad moments and focusing my mind on better things.

After C I met with the L for a few hours. That was a pretty low point, like most in the world these days things are tight. My W hasn't worked since before we got married. This is going to play into her favor for custody based on the ages of my sons. As much as I don't want to pay alimony it might end up making the most financial sense since I can write it off on my taxes. The amount of child support is scary and is probably more than what we currently spend on the boys per month but it is what it is.

I got home and finished gathering additional paperwork for the L. Hopefully, she'll have the move out agreement ready and over to W's L early next week.

It is difficult living in the same house as your W knowing in a few short weeks she will be gone. I know emotionally she has been gone for some time and it isn't so much that I want her here as I want the boys here. I will miss the boys but it will remove a ton of tension from the house.

I need to ask her in the next couple of days when we are going to sit down with the boys and tell them what is about to happen. This is a conversation I am not looking foward to. I will be there for my boys and comfort them as much as I can.

Well off to clean up the house before the boys get home.

[Cie la vie]

Kemper,

You appear to be heading in a very similar direction as I am. My wife moves out in two weeks and she is also involved in a PA. You blindsided me with divorce papers in mid-Oct and the ball continues to roll.

We have temp. custody arrangments in place for my 3 year old twins B/G. and I'm just so bummed from it isn't even funny. My W seems to have completely checked out of our marriage emotionally as well. We have also been living under the same roof in seperate rooms and although we are cordial and civil with each other our contact/conversation is limited to parenting and divorce issues.

I'm sure you are struggling with the question of how your wife could come to the conclusion that breaking up your family is the best solution. Especially when you have young children involved. I personally just do understand where my W is coming from.

Everyone talks about the fog etc. and most of my friends, family and even my wifes family members don't get it either. They all seem to think that when she emerges from the fog the mistake will hit her like a ton of bricks. I'm not so sure that will be the case. It could be she just flat out doesn't love me or want the marriage anymore and that is that.

Do you see a similiar pattern with your W? As much as I would like to think that I am detaching I really wonder if that is the case. I believe detaching could be a very protracted event.

Anyway best of luck to you in your sitch. The kid aspect is just brutal to contemplate.

[dwinter82]

Kemper, when I talked with my kids about the D, I made sure and told them mom and dad love them very much, that we will still be the best family in the world and that mom and dad still love each other (we still do at some level). I think the use of the word "familiy" is key. Kids gravitate towards it and it is something they can really understand. Insuring them family stability and love is essential. I am sure you already know this but it is important stuff and worth repeating.

Cie la vie, I'm with you on the detachment stuff. How do you know if you are detaching? How do you know if you are fully detached. I do not feel close to my W and do not rely on her anymore, yet I still get emotional when I think about what is going on. Who knows. Your W thinks she has found happiness with someone else and is addicted to that premise. I have not read your posts but, DB like hell, do not criticise and do not give the OM the benefit of any lip service.

Sorry to barge in on the discussion.

[Cie la vie]

Kemper & dw82,

I too am in the uneviable position of having to break the news to my young twins (presumably w/my W). The thought of this tears me up inside. This whole damn mess would be infinitely more manageable if young ones were not innocent victims. It demonstrates to me the astonishing selfishness and disconnect from reality (fog) my W is currently operating in.

dw82, detachment is severly complicated by the presents of children. I, you and anyone else are not afford the opportunity to make a clean break from our W's (in these cases) as we will be tethered by the children for years to come. If it wasn't for the children I would simply cease all communication and truly detach and move on. But I will do my best and make the best of a tragic situation.

I haven't mentioned a word about about her A or the OM since the initial begging, pleading BS etc. when it was discovered.

Thanks for the support man!

[Kemper]

Cie la vie,

Wow, I feel like I am reading my own sitch. To be honest I try not to question her motives/actions. I don't understand how my W could break everything up either. The best I can come up with is that she is "in love" and is hooked on that "drug". She made comments in MC that people don't change and she thought that the "in love" feeling with me would just come back without any work on her part. She put more effort into the OM than she did our R/M which I now understand because she is so "in love".

It is really had to try and not rationalize it. I am past the point now where I try to think about all the how, what, when, why. I would love to think that my W with snap out of the fog and regret her decision/actions. However, I can't hold onto that hope anymore. While I didn't give my W as long as others on this board, I decided (with some pushing from others) that I needed to move forward if I would have any chance at reconcilation.

It may hit many walk away spouses like a ton of bricks, but do they have so much pride that we would never know? We need to focus on us and moving forward so we are in a better place. I can hope that my W has a change of heart, BUT I am not going to sit idly by waiting for that either. It doesn't do me any good and it sure doesn't do my boys any good either.

I see very similar patterns between my W and the majority of WAS on this thread. Detaching isn't about not loving the person anymore, not wishing it would work out, or being mean. What it is about is knowing that in the worst case scenario you are going to be ok.

[Kemper]

dwinter82,

I really appreciate you taking the time to write down what you did in your sitch as it relates to the children. It is important and can never be said enough esp. when children are involved.

As far as the detachment goes:

Detaching isn't about not loving the person anymore, not wishing it would work out, or being mean. What it is about is knowing that in the worst case scenario you are going to be ok.

You didn't barge in on the discussion. This is an open forum where we are all here to try and support each other during one of the hardest times of our lives.

Hope you had a great night tonight.

[Kemper]

Cie la vie,

Breaking the news to my boys with my W is the thing that I dread the most about this whole sitch. I can't agree more about the innocent victims however, we can be strong and be there for them from here on out.

Funny you talk about the selfishness, I went for a walk today with one of my neighbors and that is all he could keep repeating. Sad as it is we have no control over it.

Detaching isn't about totally getting them out of your life. I have no desire to be friends with my W after she moves out. However, I will not be mean, I will not talk down about her in front of my children, I will help support her decisions with respect to the children if I agree or else we need to come to a different understanding. Yes, we will be tied to our wives because of our children but we don't need to be their friend we do however need to show them respect and decency because our children are not only watching them but they are carefully watching us as well.

My W knows that I know about the A but after I said I was done I never mentioned it again. My L has told her L about it but I will not give either my W or OM the satisfaction of wasting my time and energy on them. This would only change if my W decided she wanted to work on the R/M and then it would be about boundaries, no contact, transparency, etc.

I will head over and check out your thread.