Victim of Walkaway Wife

[christianhusband]

My wife and I have been married for just over 13 years. We have two beautiful children, 6 and 9.

We just recently went through major financial turmoil. We lost our home (2 homes) and are renting. My business collapsed and for the last 2 years she had to support us financially.

We were near bankruptcy, but I was able to negotiate an agreement with the bank that staved that off. I also recently started a new career and am now able to contribute financially.

I thought this would help, but first told me she was staying for the kids ... then we went to counseling through our church and she got worse, now to the point where she says she does not want to be married.

I read about the walk away wife syndrome, and realized that this fits her/us perfectly. Our problems started years ago when we became parents for the first time. We had rough spots, but then things smoothed out until the financial crisis hit.

Any advice as to how to "win" her heart back will be much appreciated. I am reading the DVR now, but feel helpless. I don't want to lose my wife and my family

[K4D]

First, let me say that I am sorry you are here. But this is a great support network with a lot of good advice and experience and M's do get saved on here even when they look hopeless.

Also, now is a good time to prepare for what could be a long roller coaster ride.

What are you doing about getting a life and focusing on improving your outlook and yourself all around?

You should fill us in with more information. What kinds of problems did you have besides financial?

I assume you are still living in the same house. Are you in separate bedrooms or the same one?

How are you about giving her space while you focus on learning and the things you can control?

How is the interaction between you and your kids?

K4D

[Ready2Change]

Any advice as to how to "win" her heart back will be much appreciated.

You will get so much advise. Take what you will leave the rest.

The only person you have any control over is YOU. You have control over your thoughts, words and actions. Your wife has free will, so respect that. Do not try to control her.

Everything that works for people in counter-intuitive. The more uncomfortable it feels, the more like it will work.

I committed to personal growth and being the best dad. I strongly recommend you doing the same.

I am reading the DR now

Great first step. Consensus is DO NOT Let spouse see/read it. This is your "Playbook" and you don't need the other team knowing your "plays".

, but feel helpless

I would like to suggest you are just stuck and not helpless. Getting unstuck feels better.

I don't want to lose my wife and my family

Here is counter-intuitive advise: Face this fear. Do not let fear control you. Accept where you are now. Wife is moving away from you and you want to chase her. IF YOU CHASE HER, YOU WILL LOOSE HER. If you step away from her, work on yourself, you will peak her interest and possibly draw her back to you. THIS IS NOT AN OVERNIGHT PROCESS.

[sandi2]

Welcome to the family here at DB Board. I take it that you and your W still live together? I am giving you a long list of 180's to work on. Don't let the length over-whelm you. If you'll do what's on the list, I believe you'll see a difference. Bear in mind that you can't make changes to last if they are all about her. The changes have to be for your best. Focus on being the best "you" that you can be. When you do that, then she'll like what you've become. Stop grieving over what once was b/c that is gone. Focus on a new R and a new M.

Here you go:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[christianhusband]

Yes, we are still living in the same house for now. Same bedroom, sleeping only. I am trying to keep it that way; however, after we lost our home, we rented a place of similar size in the neighborhood so our kids could attend the same school. However, since she has started thinking separation, she has contacted our landlord and has asked for her to re-rent the house so we can move to a cheaper place. The idea being, move to a cheaper place, I'll be able to rent an apartment. The house should be listed this week, and boxes are being packed around me.

Based on what I've read in DR, I've been cheerful and cooperative, running it under the guise that it's a good idea that we save money on a smaller place; after all, the financial crisis brought us both to the realization that we wanted a simpler life for our family. If the separation thing continues to be a must for her, my thought is that I will offer an arrangement to move in with my father on a temporary basis. I don't think setting up a permanent residence for myself puts me in the best light as a father.

[christianhusband]

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sandi2]

I don't think setting up a permanent residence for myself puts me in the best light as a father.

I agree, it doesn't. But, the idea of her and the children moving into a rental "without" you for the sake of finacial reasons is a disguise of what she really wants. At what point would you step back in the family as the leader of the home?

[christianhusband]

After losing our home in our financial crisis, we moved into a rental in the same neighborhood of similar size so as not to disrupt our family situation too much. As this marriage break down has intensified, she suggested talking to the landlord about breaking the lease and downsizing so that we could afford two places ... a smaller house for her and the kids, and an apartment for me.

Since then, the landlady has agreed to re-list the house and if it rents, we can get out of the lease. I come home every night to boxes being packed and seeing her looking for houses on the internet.

I'm not sure where I fit. This started as a suggestion, a discussion as to maybe a way to work through our marriage problems ... give her space, start 'dating' each other again, etc. But we never got to concrete terms ... visitation with the kids, is she serious about the dating thing, etc.

I'm doing the DR techniques, but I'm not sure how to find out where I fit in. Do I continue helping with the packing with the assumption that this is going to be a money-saving move for us and that we're just downsizing? Do I assume that I am to be included on the visits to view properties? Do I assume that my name will also be on the lease? Or do I ask her and risk looking unsure and weak?

Everyday she seems to get more distant ... I'm really trying the DR techniques, but it's hard. Every day hurts.

[christianhusband]

Okay, so what's going to work here???

[Ready2Change]

Okay, so what's going to work here???

Please be more specific. Thanks