I just did what they say not to do. I had the R talk with my husband and he responded just as they say they will respond and I am devastated. He does not want to spend time with me so I asked if we were going to proceed with the D (he filed but then did nothing). He has a separate apartment and I am almost positive he does not have OW. He has seemed miserable but acts great with my daughter.
I told him tonight that if we are to ever start working on us then we need to spend time together having fun. He said it always has to be my way. I reminded him that he has been living away from me for 7 months and it has been his way. I then asked if he wanted to work on the M or proceed and he said proceed. I backed him in the corner and he didn't like it. He admitted in the conversation that he doesn't think he will ever be fixed and that we can never fix our M. He also said he would always love me but that wasn't enough. He said he is sick of our R talks (which we never have) and he just wants to be left alone!
Help me! I am tired and I don't think I can do this like the rest of you. I can't let him do whatever he wants while I sit around waiting for him to come out of this mess. And I am so sick of everything being blamed on me!!!! I want out yet after reading this sight and Divorce busters information on MLC, it is hard to leave someone when they are in a bad place. I know I am rambling but I am hurt and don't know what to do. I hate to lose him or to let go but I can't take this. It has been over a year since he started all of this. One day he was my sane husband and the next day he was gone! I feel like I am in a surreal world.
Please help me! I am a Christian and my pastor says I can't divorce him but I am sick of this! Please give me some advice!!!
You need to go dark, ASAP. The only hope is to back away and leave him completely alone. If you insist on doing what you are told "not" to do, then it won't work. It is hard, and it may take up to five years if he's in MLC....but it will be up to you to make the decision to wait it out.....not your Pastor's. That is not meant to be disprespectful toward your Pastor, but he isn't the one M to your H!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much for responding!! Is there a good thread about going dark that explains exactly what it looks like? For instance, what do I do when he picks up my daughter? Or if I have things to discuss concerning her or the house?
When your h comes to pick up your daughter, be busy or go in another room. Going dark is for you and to help you find your footing. Going dark is just what it says...lights out...you find a way not to be available to him. If he calls, let it ring and do not pick up each and every time he calls. Only contact him in an emergency or something to do w/your daughter. Do not call him otherwise. No more relationship talks! If you do not want a divorce, do not bring the subject up again.
Keep your conversations on a calm and even tone....no threats, no relationship talks, etc. In fact, you will now look at him as a business associate and will look at this situation as a business deal.
As for your pastor/minister, no disrepect intended, but he's not walking in your shoes or living your nightmare. You will need to keep your focus on you and your daughter and begin taking one step at a time to find your footing. Leave the door ajar, but please leave your life to the fullest as if he were not coming back. Do not sit and wait on him....continue moving forward. If he opts to catch up w/you later on, then so be it. For now...move forward, take care of yourself and your daughter and allow God to work on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just learned he was in the midst of a MLC about a month ago. Prior to that I was completely clueless as to what was going on. After reading all of this information it all makes sense. MLC and depression is my husband.
I say all of that to explain that right now I am still reeling from the knowledge of what I am dealing with. My husband has for years told me of his undying love for me. So to have the man you thought would always be by your side treat you in this way is hard to take. He seems to totally care less what happens to us and continually blames me. I miss my old husband and I miss my marriage.
Plus I then read from these posts that it could take years for them to come through this. I can't do it. Maybe that makes me less of a person but I don't think I have what it takes. I don't see how many of you can live like this. I know you go on with your own lives but I want a husband and not one that is MIA. If he doesn't want to be a part of my life then I want to move on.
Yet then my mind goes back to the fact that he has a problem......help!!!! This feels like pure insanity! There is nothing sane about any of this!
For now I will go dark, consider him basically dead since the man I knew is gone and move on with my life as if he is completely gone. I just can't believe how painful this can be!! I am so utterly sad!
I do want to add that I don't know what I would do without forums like this one. You are there and give support! No one else can truly understand what is going on so you are the sanity in my life right now! That makes you a blessing from God in my eyes!!
Is there a good thread about going dark that explains exactly what it looks like? For instance,
I thought it was...until I started trying to find it.
How about the term "detaching"? There is quite a bit around the board on detaching. I have the DR book instead of DB, so not sure where it may be in your book, but I bet it's there some place.
There is a thread in Newcomers about detaching by Coach. It would probably be helpful.
You need to pull back and let your H feel disconnected instead of him thinking of you like a heavy stone around his neck that's drowning him. Going dark is like you fell off the face of the earth. But, as you have pointed out....that's a little hard when there is a child involved and business matters to attend. However, I have read where so many people unconsciously use their children as a "connection" or even an excuse to contact their S. The thing is...the WAS spots it right away and knows it's an excuse and it will push the WAS farther away.
What are your ages and how long have you been M? How many children and what are the ages?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I want to encourage you to "not" go dark with us.... We want you to come talk to us as much as you feel the need. There are some wonderful people here and it takes a little bit for some to find you, but stick around and you will discover that this board will help you through some tough times.
Quote:
I miss my old husband and I miss my marriage.
I know you do. But, may I tell you something? As bad as it hurts, that man is missing in action. It's harsh to say, but I'm going to type these words b/c you need to face it....if you haven't already. The M you had is over. The man you fell in love with and was M to is gone. But, don't give up b/c even if there is a D.....it doesn't necessarily mean "the end". You can begin to hope for a new M and your H finding himself (in time) and someday building a life together. But if he's truly in MLC....then it will be hard to just "wait" around.
I hope you will start to build a life for you and your daughter and find joy and happiness apart from your H & apart from a R with him. You are an individual and you can grow and meet others. I realize that you aren't ready or don't want to hear that right now. I just don't want you to see going dark or detaching as giving up on your life. Okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have been married almost 15 years and together 20. We have one daughter that is 11 years old. My husbands behavior took a dramatic turn over a year ago. A year prior to that he started saying things that I now understand to be warning signs. He is in a high powered and stressful job and he would tell me he can't believe he has to do this for 30 more years.
He started coloring his hair which I thought was weird and he was very very upset he was losing his hair. My husband has always been a good looking man and his looks were changing. He has that "older" look and he couldn't stand it. He would often tell me I was looking better and he was looking worse. He then started taking propecia to help with hairloss but it also effects your sex drive which upset him.
Then all of the sudden he started losing a lot of weight and would go down to our basement to play xbox. He would just work and go to the basement. The more I complained the more he would stay down there. He got to the point that he wouldn't come to bed hardly at all.
Then he left seven months ago. As I said, I am still in a whirl and can't believe he is gone and wants nothing to do with me. The pain is so deep and I feel like it is never going to stop hurting!!!
And the xbox all night sounds either like insomnia (depression) or like an addiction akin to drinking. Something that would spike your dopamine or adrenaline maybe to combat depression.
We want you to come talk to us as much as you feel the need. There are some wonderful people here and it takes a little bit for some to find you, but stick around and you will discover that this board will help you through some tough times.