Looking for Advice

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi GW

It used to bug the **** outta H when I just said I was "busy" "ok" or "fine" but Eskimo Nell (whose no longer on here) used to just remind me to remain "calm and mysterious" lol! This worked for me as H and I were separated and it made him wonder what I was up to and I think thats why he came back eventually to find out!

It is a lot harder to keep busy and GAL and go for the proverbial icecone when they are present, but you can sound like you arnt letting them get to you, some might say it makes it easier for them to continue because they dont think their behaviour is affecting you, or you could look so good they want to spend time with you doing what youre doing!

Can you get some sorta cleaner/housekeeper type person in to give you a bit of time back to spend time with the kids and regain your saniety. Obviously this may benefit W as well but I do think you need a break.

For me I made being here at home a fun and nice place to be, made a few 180's which made quite a big impact, the first time H came back I made myself irresistable (well to him) lol. We went out for dinner and I was saucy, sassy and downright sexy all night. He then started to come back a bit, then he kept staying longer and longer, and then came home for Xmas and next Sunday will be back for good no bolt hole to go to anymore

I found that doing a list of my 180's every known again helped me see how far I had come. My 180's were not to panic, to keep calm, to not faff about but get on with it.. and lots of other little things, I made me a priority, infact last night H complained my night cream was smelly when I asked for a kiss, he got politely told that as I no longer know 100% he is mine for life I have to look after myself so he could either kiss me with night cream or go without, guess what I got a kiss lol!

Keep your chin up you can do this, can you get a sitter for the kids one night at the weekend just so you can pop out for a while on your own?

[DDogs]

COACH / GREEK:

GUTWRENCHING, I apologize, dont mean to hi jack this thread,

No 2x4's from me. Consequences of her actions to want a D is to own that decision.

I think you should read up on how Coach and Greek did the tell the children. Maybe even ask her for some advice on this.

thanks so much for your input. I will search thru the forum and also put a call out. We plan on telling them at the MC on the 19th. I'm dreading and feeling terribly sad, hurt doing this. I guess I Should say that the sadness is overwhelming.

You were recommended and I was wondering if you could please comment on my thread regarding what to tell the children.

Thanks so much,DD

[gutwrenching]

Lost - love the fact you share your experiences, makes me see how I could tweak to apply to me.

can you get a sitter for the kids one night at the weekend just so you can pop out for a while on your own?

Although this sounds good, I think not doing this is a 180. I think the W would expect me to either find a sitter or plop the kids in front of a movie. That was the old me. The new me - I got events planned for the weekend. The kids will love it. Makes the W very jealous which is not the intent, but that is her issue, not mine.

Can you get some sorta cleaner/housekeeper type person in to give you a bit of time back to spend time with the kids and regain your saniety. Obviously this may benefit W as well but I do think you need a break.

This one has me thinking. We have a cleaner that comes once a week for the major stuff. But I am the anal one about keeping things picked up and tidy. I almost wonder if I let stuff just go to hell, toys all over the place, dishes stacked up, etc...if that wouldn't have a bigger impact. But man, that might drive me nuts!

My 180's were not to panic, to keep calm, to not faff about but get on with it.. and lots of other little things, I made me a priority

I need to make those my 180s. Panic I got to work on, better today than yesterday I can report. Calm - I do fine at calm except when I uncover/highly suspect contact with OM- I have to work on that, not sure how, but got to get over that.

remind me to remain "calm and mysterious"

Any good examples of remaining mysterious, especially on Saturday (she'll be flying most day Sunday and returns Sunday night)

the first time H came back I made myself irresistable (well to him)

Did he initiate this dinner, coming back, or was it something you suggested? I ask because before the suicide, we had talked in generalities of going to a specific movie w/o the kids that all our friends were recommending. I am wondering if I suggest it again or if that is too much pursuing.

[gutwrenching]

Have been doing so well today with the anxiety (lack thereof), really i've been able to turn it off as soon as it starts to come along. Now the last couple of hours, not as much. No idea why. Looking forward to a weekend...as long as patterns continue, there has been almost no anxiety on the weekends.

I've been setting myself up all day to hopefully leave a little early today and stop at a store and buy some new clothes for me. Part to focus on me and part to do a 180. Whatever I get, I plan on wearing with my new cologne when she returns Sunday night.

I have received zero communication from W other than one work related e-mail. Co-worker told me today that he spoke to her for quite a while, he talked to W about her not sleeping enough (co-worker doesn't know this but W shared with me she has been only sleeping a few hours a night since May...that can't be healthy and is so unlike her) and the co-worker then tried to make a joke about how tired I looked like I was up partying all night. She said no, he slept 7 hours last night. So she was paying attention if nothing else. Yesterday she had texted me a couple of times in the day, today nothing. I am finally realizing this means nothing, not to look for meaning in it, not to care.

I am still like all others that I miss talking to her, even if only a text message. That one is so hard to get past. So hard to deal with the alien being/fog that has taken over the WAS and the impact of the EA where I am now almost meaningless.

Got to start thinking of reasons why today was another great day...I know she will ask me how was my day. I need to say great when she does and immediately fill in the blanks. Got to come up with something. Today has been fine but nothing special in reality.

[rockedworld]

Hi GW,

When my sitch was at its worst, I struggled with anxiety on Friday afternoons. It was odd, and I had a hard time figuring it out, but is was consistent. Eventually I realized it was that weekends had been, prior to OW, great family time for us and I used to always look forward to the weekends. Once OW was in H's life, I never knew what to expect, and I spent many Friday nights alone because my kids are teenagers and would be with friends and H would be AWOL with some flimsy reason or another. It was torture.

Anyway, good job on working through the anxiety throughout the day today, it often is a bit of a "mind over matter" thing, and talking yourself through it helps, as well as breathing. Also, good to hear you are buying yourself some new clothes! W will be in for a pleasant surprise!

I'm sure you will think of a reason your day was great. Just take some good things and expand on them a bit.

I also relate to your struggle about missing your W, the conversations, the contact etc. I struggled so much with that. It was like there was just this gaping hole that had been filled by my H, my best friend, all those years and it was just suddenly ripped away from me. I tried to do what is suggested here and fill that with other things, friends, GAL, the kids etc. and that DOES help. Sometimes you just have to accept the reality, like any other loss, that it is just gonna hurt. But, if you can keep doing what you are doing, you are more likely to have your W back in your life even better than before. And,if that doesn't happen, it is good for you to make these changes for yourself no matter what.

Hope your weekend with the kids is fantastic!

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - hi, thanks, and great to hear from you - it amazes me how much we think/feel alike. It is nice to hear from you each day.

You nailed it on missing the friendship. Even when the W dropped the bomb, she told me we had always been great friends, best friends, but not more and that was the problem. So I miss that best friend, she probably not so much since I think she still has OM to talk to. I struggle with that. I found it nice that I could e-mail back and forth with W for about 15 minutes last night about just mundane stuff, probably why I was able to go to sleep so easily. Good advice - accept reality that it is going to hurt.

I also found myself engaged in a conversation with a mutual friend today for about 45 minutes...I would NEVER have just talked that long to someone at work, my time is too valuable, but I was craving the adult interaction about nothing relevant. Then the topic of facebook came up and something about well you saw what your W said. I took a new step, I didn't cover for her. I said no I didn't, I got a funny look, and then I said I don't have access. Other person's jaw hit the floor and says "your W hasn't friended you, why" and I said ask W, that is her private world, don't ask me.

Reflecting on this, I don't know if I did the right thing, but I guess it felt good to not cover for her decisions she has made. Not sure if I need to go back and do damage control later or not.

Maybe you are right about Fri afternoons or at least this Fri afternoon. Even in the past couple of months, I looked forward to weekends because we spent more time together. During the week, she hides in work, but not on the weekends. And over the past couple of weeks, it was even to the point of where we would watch movies together on Fri and Sat night. And this weekend, I know I have none of that on Fri/Sat and reaslistically not on Sun. She gets back late and who the heck knows what the mood will be eminating from the Alien that had so much easy access to OM. And now that I type it, i wonder if that isn't part of the anxiety also...wondering if she is going to be cold (that would be my bet), friendly, bitchy, or just in a fog when she gets back and since the kids will be asleep, she won't be able to just hide her emotions with them (which is a technique I've seen her use a couple of times). And yes, taking deep breaths from the gut seems to work as well as anything when I start to get the pounding in the chest.

[luvless]

((((gut)))))

I so feel you on the weekend thing - my H and I love our weekends and now it's just so awkward.

Hang in there we are here.

[gutwrenching]

And what do you know - text message from the W arrives: "going to the viewing, there is no reception out there"

It shouldn't lift my spirits, but it does. She initiates communication - I didn't contact her again today and she is letting me know that will be it till she returns (I already knew this, she told me this on the phone last night). The amazing thing is it isn't punching me in the ribs that she has had a free day and I can only imagine how many HOURS she talked to OM today...I think I am slowly making progress on this front as long as I don't concretely know exactly.

So I still have to debate what to do when she returns...if I see that pay as you go phone, do I check? can I handle seeing in black and white the hours of talking? No, I can't handle it, but is it the right thing to do in order to progess? I don't know

[gutwrenching]

And for the record, I did better. I started to type the TM that was going to be a simple "OK" or "talk to u later" and I stopped, hit the back space button, turned off the phone. I did not reply! I will not reply! For me, that is something to be proud of!

[DDogs]

Baby steps GUT. I remember doing almost the same. I truly understand what a giant step that was for you. Just have to stick with it. I felt great for an entire day when I took my first step. It does get Better just remember this will be a rollercoaster ride.