Your love and forgiveness will help. Like everything here, it takes way more time than we want it to. ADs can help too - even if he wants them temporarily to get out of his funk.
Feeling a bit guilty today because I am in a funk, and feel like I should just be so grateful my sitch really is going well considering where we were a few months ago! Don't have much to offer posting on anyone else's threads today, and feeling guilt twinges about that too.
But... in reflecting on what the funk is about, it does make sense. H and I had a conversation last night about his anxiety about if OW ever does decide to make waves for him at work, she could do a lot of damage. It's true, she could. I have tried not to think about that too much. As I posted in my original thread, H has a high profile job, is very well known, and if it gets out things will be very difficult for awhile, not to mention the possibility of losing his job. We have tried to focus on piecing and healing and our family, and not thinking/talking too much about it. But, yesterday at work a couple of co-workers were acting a bit odd, and they are the ones H knows OW has continued to FB friends with, so it concerns him. I think I explained that OW has a FT job somewhere else, but was doing some PT work at my H's company, which is how the A got started. After H broke off the R with OW, she abruptly quit and did make a bit of scene about it, stating she had issues in her personal life. She is a drama queen and loves attention. We have worried she will want to present herself as a victim.
I tried to encourage H not to dwell on it, as it is all speculation. He agreed but also said he needs to face the possibility in case it does happen so it doesn't blind side him. Talking about all this really heightened his regret and remorse and he got really down last night. Same thing today so far. Having a hard time not being affected by it.
Also, I had coffee with S18 last night, which was great. But, he is also struggling with some things in his life that are weighing on me a bit today. Being 18 is a tough time in life, and having "family drama" going on (as he put it) at the same time has caused some resentment for him. For 17 years all he knew was a happy, stable family life and parents who were loving to each other. This was not only a blind side for me, but hugely for the kids as well. So, again H feels so much regret, remorse and guilt for that. He is meeting S18 for coffee today, so they can have a good chat. I am so glad.
I know he needs to feel these things. But, it is hard.
Just having trouble shaking off the sense of foreboding that something bad might happen, and that things won't always feel this heavy and hard. Rationally, I know that things will get better if we continue on the path we are on, but emotionally struggling today. Just had to get that out there...
You're allowed to be in a funk. It's ok. I know we sometimes feel guilty that we're in a place where so many others on this board want to be, but that doesn't mean it's easier. My friends from here who I'm in touch with in the alt are all headed/have been down the D path. I worry that they resent me/my sitch but honestly they've all been very supportive and great.
Re: the work sitch. You're right, dwelling on it won't make it any better. I think H might feel better about it if he has a plan if/when it comes out and becomes a problem. So help him work on a plan if he asks and let him know that you will be there to support him. But also take care of yourself and don't let it bog you down.
I'm not a parent so not sure what to say about S18. I know you want to take away all the kids' hurt, but perhaps the best thing you can do is show them by example that life is full of obstacles to overcome and you're doing just that. Again, those are the thoughts of someone who is happily childfree so keep that in mind.
Try to do something fun this weekend to remind yourself that it's not always going to be gloom and doom.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
(((Rocked))) - don't feel guilty. Yes I would kill to be where you are right now, but you have been such an incredible friend to me that you DESERVE to have it better and its because you CARE that you want things to be even better than they are now. There is nothing wrong with that. You are in a funk because of fear that your might not get the fairy tale ending...you've already learned how to get past fear and you help some of the rest of us. So take what you've learned and press ahead.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Lifting a bit...let myself have a good cry after work, and that seemed to release some of that emotion. H just called that he had "such a great" conversation with S18 and will fill me in when he gets home. He sounded much better and said he's bringing home a movie. That will mean a nice snuggle...
Your H is really coming around. He may have taken a step back, but he corrected it, and made a giant leap by admitting, and promising better action in the future.
Glad S18 is communicating w/you both. They are hard, aren't they?
Oy!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Definitely go with making a plan of action for H to deal with any fall out is the way to go! Also remind him that most people will see that he has been foolish but will be impressed that he has the get up and go and get back into his marriage and sort it out, instead of purpetuating his MLC.
We all want the fairytale ending personally I look at your thread and wish my H had some remorse and guilt but if he does he doesnt show it, and as H4L reminded me patience that is yet to come.. So accept he has to get it off his chest for a few weeks maybe a month and deal with it, although once he has been remorceful for a month I'd certainly be saying "its nice to hear you feel bad about what happened and I certainly have appreciated, but I do feel its holding us back now and you have to start to forgive yourself"
As for the funk embrass it for one day and then move on.. (()) as I got myself stuck in one for two days earlier this week.. You are doing so well go remind yourself how far you have come.. Good to hear that H and S are talking things through as well, its good for S to see H work through things it will help him with his growing up too!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
When H came home it was so clear that spending time with S18 made such a difference for him. H was able to really help S18 with some great fatherly advice and just listening. Apparently, S18 was so grateful, tearfully hugged his dad (which both tears and hugs are hard to come by from him these days) and thanked him that he can talk to both of us about these things. I could see how it turned some sort of switch back on for my H, because in his fog state, he was so disengaged from the kids too. I affirmed him in his role as a father and thanked him for being there for S18 and how important that was. I can see that is helping some of the healing for H.
We are both in a better emotional space today, so hopefully this will be a good weekend with some good family time.
It's so impressive the way you are handling your sitch. You responded to your H exactly the way you should. I'm glad to hear you are both in a better frame of mind. Hope you continue to have a great weekend.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
