When we come here, the majority of us feel like you do right now. Lost, scared, up and down.
The reason that those of us who have been here a long time tell you the things that we do, is because, whether we have saved our M, gotten divorced, or are still in limbo land, we have all been through the process.
At some point along the way, all of the two by fours start to sink in. The words start to make sense.
When I first started to GAL, I hated it. I hated every second that I was doing something without my H. But then, slowly, I learned I was enjoying myself, not just pretending. Then I started trying new things. Step by step.
It is a process. Healing, learning, living. You can and will be amazed at the person you become. The lost parts of yourself you find. The new parts of yourself you will discover. The things you may have always wanted to do but didn't because your wife may not have liked it, you will find you begin to give yourself permission for.
It is then, that you will begin to appreciate this for the crazy mixed up gift that it really is. And you will begin to see that it isn't your marital status that defines if you are a success at DBing or not. That, unfortunately is not something we can control solely by ourselves. There are two people in a relationship and in the end, it takes two people to fix it. However, if and when that time should come, the Bradley you bring into the relationship, will be a much better man.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you cat. I appreciate the thoughtful words, so much.
It is just so hard for me to take though. 4 years med school. 9 years of unbelievably hard training, no money-- to get to the point where we (my wife, my family) could finally live our lives together.
within a month of the end of that process it seems as though it is all gone... and has only gotten worse as the months have gone on... now with the light shed on the possible fact that my wife is seriously involved with another man.
I am trying really hard to get a life... but it is hard after all of that to be where I am now. I just do not understand it. maybe some day I will.
I so much appreciate all the support you all have given me. It is just so many things--all of the things-- that I worked towards and dreamed about are now gone.
So perhaps this will be a good thing in the end as you say. Very hard to believe that right now. Very hard.
In two hours though (pulling up boot straps). She and the boys will be here. I will put a smile on my face, be enthusiastic, and try to just BE in the present with them, love them, and focus on being the best father that I can be for them.
right now I need to watch one of those stories of somebody who was born blind without arms or legs but saved the world and started a food drive for the homeless people in their town before they attended harvard and joined the Peace Corps... something like that. one of those kick you in the ass perspective stories.
at least I don't live in Haiti.. hows that?
and for the record, my wife always let me do pretty much whatever I wanted... which may have contributed to the current problem.
Ok Bradley, nice surrender speech. I dont believe it. You are just going through the ebbs and floods that happen to a person in your situation. Dont make any rash decisions. Dont even make a decision this weekend. Why not just spend time with your boys instead and not talk anything out with your W. I think you need much more time to think and gather thoughts of others on this forum.
I know that J3B said to not make a timeline. I differ on this a bit in that I think it is good to set a timeline for yourself with a condition that it can be changed. It helps to give yourself a target so as to have some sort of sanity of your situation. I think if you were to talk to a counselor, they may help give you some guidance on personal goals, objectives and timelines. How is your golf swing? Could you maybe take a lesson to fine tune it?
Before you decide to move on and become a catch for someone, you cant leave that door partly open. There is a dynamic that could occur if you find someone else. Your W may all of a sudden decide that she is really going to lose you and may come to some huge awakening. However, that would be very unfair to the new lady you meet.
I dated and found someone before my divorce was final. I dont know if it had anything to do with my W asking for another chance, but there could have been some jealousy on her part. I dont really care as I had closed the door in my mind on her before dating so it made no difference to me. Even if I had not met the new person, I would not ever want my W back because I learned she lacked the strength to piece a marriage back to a happy state.
You have time on your side. Use it to your advantage. First learn to detach and be content in your own shell before making any life changing decisions.
Kerry-
just re read your post. this is really helpful. Really helpful. and thoughtful.
ok heading to the ER because someone fell of their motorcycle and banged up their lung
Went to go get sushi. Did pretty good enjoying the moment but could not help but have pangs of sadness feeling "why can't I have this all the time".
had breakfast this am, sat and had regular talk with w. She mentioned next weekend me coming up and we go to MC... not sure what that all means but I'll just take it for the good parts of what it could mean (she's still not ready to fully ditch the whole thing...)
acting as-if, smiling, trying to be laid back.
though she did go out and get coffee this morning and I ran to the door to open it as she came in and scared the crap out of her (falling over myself a little bit).
gonna take one kid for haircut today, maybe some bowling and football watching later.
it was great to be with the boys, and W and I got along pretty well, though we did have a heart to heart at 2 am...
the problem I'm dealing with now is she wants me to take the boys on friday so she can "take care of some things at home". Its been 6 months now... I do not think there is going to be any changes with her.
So... I'm just not sure about all this any more. Very much at my wits end, need resolution, need to have some sort of change. My work is suffering.
I have heard everything you all have said... I am trying my best to do it-- but there might just be a little bit more for me to chew on now with no kids, no wife, job not working well-- all falling away after 13 years of hard work to get to a place where I could start really living my life. too much really.
so I may be seeking resolution. she has manipulated me and controlled me these last 6 months-- maybe more. she has made me feel like its all my fault. she is the one who left.
I understand she may be hurting and suffering... but so am I-- at some point the hurting and suffering must stop.. no?
