Bare with me, I am going to try and explain this in short form. The arrangements H and I have surrounding the kids are based on a 2/2/5 schedule. I get them every M, Tues, H gets them every W, Thur, and we swap every other F-Sun. Nothing about this schedule has been legally set as no one has filed D yet. To date this system has seemed to work well for both of us.
H has his annual Orlando sales meetings scheduled for the week of 2/22 (including the weekend) and will be gone for a weekend that he is supposed to have the kids. Prior to making his flight arrangements he asked if I would mind covering his weekend with the kids. I said sure and was looking at it as a positive to be able to spend more time with the kids. At that time I just assumed he would want the kids the following weekend and we would start up with the every other weekend thing from there. I just sent H an email to verify that assumption and here is his reply.
“I would love to, but I have scheduled my travel for work around the original plans. I am getting planned through May. Thanks for the offer though.”
Now I am PO’d. From 2/22-3/7 (two weeks) H will only ‘get’ to see the kids 2 out of the 14 days. That is bullsh!t. I am so upset for my kids. They love their dad and it will upset them greatly not to be able to spend their usual time with H. I know part of the problem is that I made an assumption in addition to a breakdown of communication with H. Being out of town for work is one thing, but not wanting to see them the following weekend?
I so badly want to respond to H:
“You are welcome. I was just trying to be flexible. It appears that you will only get to see the kids a couple of times over a two week span. In my opinion, that schedule doesn’t really seem to be in the best interest of the kids, but do what you have to do.”
Am I just overreacting? Should I even respond to H or just let it go and chalk it up as his loss?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Okay, so now that I have calmed down a little bit, here is my revised response.
When you choose to limit the time you spend with the kids I feel that you are not taking their best interests into consideration. I understand that you travel for work, but I do not understand why you would not jump at the opportunity to make up for some lost time. Please let me know when you plan on telling the kids of your Orlando trip and your decision regarding the following weekend. I want to be present when this conversation takes place.
In addition, I think it would be wise for us to go over the calendar for the remainder of the year prior to you making any other travel arrangements. Since we have never discussed this in any detail, I just want to make sure that we are both on the same page going forward.
What does everyone think? I am still not sure that I should even respond at all.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
What does everyone think? I am still not sure that I should even respond at all.
Until you are 100% sure, do not reply.
Originally Posted By: motherof3
Okay, so now that I have calmed down a little bit, here is my revised response.
Feel all those feelings. Channel that energy in to positive action. Respond when you are calm and sure.
Two things: You want to continue a 50/50 schedule. You also want to get first right of refusal. IE: H offers the kids to you before getting a sitter..... THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. You are setting precedence now. Accept the kids. Always offer to him first.
Quote:
When you choose to limit the time you spend with the kids I feel that you are not taking their best interests into consideration. I understand that you travel for work, but I do not understand why you would not jump at the opportunity to make up for some lost time. Please let me know when you plan on telling the kids of your Orlando trip and your decision regarding the following weekend. I want to be present when this conversation takes place.
In addition, I think it would be wise for us to go over the calendar for the remainder of the year prior to you making any other travel arrangements. Since we have never discussed this in any detail, I just want to make sure that we are both on the same page going forward.
I think this is OK. I will spin it a different way. Remember that shorter has more punch.
Quote:
When you choose to travel during your parenting time, which causes significant absence from our kids lives, I know with absolute certianty that this hurts our children. I know events in the future will come up and we will need to be flexible, but I want ensure that we both continue to have equal and frequent time with our kids. If you continue to put work before your relationship with your children, I will (Some actions you will take).
In addition: I want to be present when you tell the kids that you have decided to go to Orlando. When do you plan on telling them?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
motherof3, I haven't read all of your sitch, but I feel for you. I can't imagine a father not actively making an effort to reconnect with his children after a trip. My H has been super-attentive to our children since moving out 12 days ago, but even still my 6 yo is having nightmares and my 3 yo is waking much more and crying about missing H (she still sees him a lot but "gets" that everything has shifted and that she has lost some access to him).
I'm new to DBing, but I wish you well.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I feel ya, honey!!! I like your email, and I like R2C's shortened version. You and I write a lot alike... verbose! LoL Men respond better to fewer words. But, no matter, you did fine.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I haven't sent H a reply to his original email yet. I thought it would be best if I waited a few days. I will probably send something similar to what R2C suggested.
Today was S6's first basketball game and the first time I have seen H in awhile. S6 did great. They all tried so hard. H and I had a civil conversation, but nothing more. I mostly spent my time cheering on S6, catching up with the other parents, and chasing after S4 and D2.
The kids are with H this weekend so after the game we all went to our separate cars. In the process, S4 wouldn't let go of me and D2 started to cry. It was so painful to have to turn around and walk away without them. I cried all the way home and now have hateful, angry feelings toward H. How can he do this to them?
I am at a crossroads with my feelings towards H and our M. All along I have told him that D is not what I want. That I won't assist in the D process, but I won't stand in his way either. Yet he hasn't lifted a finger to do anything about it. He hasn't indicated in any way that he wants to work on the M. But he hasn't started the D process either. It is like he is waiting for me to make the first move towards D. I think I am ready to do that. But at the same time keep asking myself, what if I wait a little longer?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
That sounds really tough. Maybe it would help if you and your H could talk about how to make the transitions easier for your children? If you can't talk about it constructively, there are psychologists who could help you work on coparenting plans. Or read some Gordon Neufeld, a wonderful expert on attachment. He has a lot of good ideas of how parents can cultivate attachment with their children, even when parents aren't living together. "Hand-offs" of childcare are very important times where one parent needs to hand over the "baton of connection" to the other parent.
My 3 yo would not be able to do an overnight without me and so we're not doing that. I am grateful that H is not (yet) pushing for changes that my children are not ready for (though I can see that coming).
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Geez, reading that Smartcookie post just tore me apart.
That is indeed a glimpse into X Mr.Avermont's heart.
He said "he is done."
I said "I can change."
He said, "I don't think you can."
That sentence particularly hurt, as in an email to OW he said " I know, people change, circumstances change" in response to their talking about his leaving me.
And HE certainly changed.
And it also hurts that he left so completely that I have no chance to show him my changes, or how much I am willing to work on the R.
But good G-D almighty, that little story seems to say it all...
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Is the book really that good? I already have such an extensive collection of these books all acquired within the last year!
Mo3
Nothing wrong with neutral.
I just realized I never answered this question...
Yes, it was an eye opener for me! I have always been the "nice girl". Talks about how most men like a challenge, rather than a nice, accomodating, sweet wife. But, the author also talks about doing this in a respectful way. It's worth a read.
Mo3,
I can understand your struggle re: how long you can stay in limbo like this. Only you can know where your limits are. On the other hand, there isn't a rush to make any big decisions right? Keep focusing on taking care of YOU for now. ((hugs))
