What to do when H doesn't contact?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25. I got it. I will come back and re-read it over and over if I get the urge to text or call. As far as finances the taxes went up almost doubled on the house (I'm living in it) and my lawyer said when I get the new ones we will take H back to help pay those expenses. H still isn't paying 1/2 of the one big loan that we have, he pays whatever he feels like paying but my lawyer told me that we would have to get a legal separation in order to make him pay half and it is a 50/50 chance to go in my way. They don't like to do legal separations here and that the masters would rather a divorce and to settle it then. Plus I can't afford to go for a legal separation. The cost is $750 just for the masters fee, not including the lawyer's fee.

Can you afford to not get paid? Can you afford to be at your h's whim? Won't he have to pay legal costs in the long run or his share? What is it costing him to live like this? Oh, exactly what he feels comfortable with. You are enabling and probably prolonging this. IMO...and it's not good for the kids to have you lose out on what's theirs, and working 2 jobs means they are missing the one reliable parent. Wouldn't it make more sense in the long run to have a reliable source and amount of income coming in AND better hours for you and therefore more availability to them? And wouldnt' your h be a tad more likely to reconsider his choices, if they weren't so comfortable for him? And isn't what you have been doing, ie. placating and placating and being terrified of rocking the boat....NOT working? Ponder this. Don't let your fears dictate your behavior. They've ruled you so far and you're not closer to a reconciliation. Be braver. You have to be. The words "Comfortable" and "Change" are rarely seen together. But your life sucks in some ways...so why keep on with what is happening? It's not improving. Like the DB (and common sense) tells us, if something isn't working, don't keep doing it.

So I'm waiting for new tax bill which should be here next month and go for spousal support but then again it will be the same amount he is paying towards the one loan. So I know H will pay the spousal but then stop paying part of the one loan and it equals out to what I would get. So I guess I'm confused on what to do.

Do you trust your L? If so, do what he/she tells you to do. And $750 for a sep is not a big amount when you consider what you are risking otherwise. Constantly at the beck and call and whim of someone who is acting very selfishly...and not changing. How long has this been going on? Nov 2008? Dang...how long before you try something seriously different? What really are you waiting for? I get the feeling you want reasons to "wait and see" b/c that's easier than forcing your life to change in your favor since it risks losing the tiny hopes you have for a miracle. But to me, the way your life has been going for several months now, requires you to alter your course of action big time. Now.
Trying to GAL is so rough right now. I'm working two jobs, and have the kids to take care of......running to practices, games, etc.

GAL is easier than not getting one...even if it means just revelling in the good parts of your present life, like being with the kids and letting the joy of that wash over you, and picking up one or two new activities that you've always wanted to do or been interested in purely for the joy of it. Acting classes or pottery or something. And or, a career related class. It gets you out of the house and moves you toward a goal NOT related to your h. When I lived in Alaska I did about 8 things, 6 of which were new to me. Volunteered, worked, auditioned, took a playwriting class and a pottery class--so UNlike me..and pushed and stretched just to get through the winters. Did similar stuff for my GAL when h was gone and applied for jobs overseas that the kids thought would be cool for a year...h noticed but who cares? I finally was free to live and move where I wanted to. Very empowering and freeing as is financial independence. The two jobs you are working sounds crazy to me. Like you'd rather not rock the boat with your h, than get the kids the money and attention they need. Come on, do right by the kids.

Be brave, be strong. You'll get through this. The longer he has his cake and eats it too... the harder you make it for yourself. Obviously go dark, and stay dark. No choice there anyhow. But do all of this for you, and the kids and your ability to live happily without him. It's crucial b/c otherwise you are teaching your kids that another person can ruin their lives b/c your pain is crippling you and instead of healing, you're sort of letting the infection poison your whole body. Instead, teach your children that Your pain is deep and real but it is NOT fatal and it is NOT eternal and you will be happy again, loving and laughing again. It's up to you as to when that begins. Why not now?
j-