Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Hi Gnosis! Thanks for putting in your opinion ---- much appreciated! I don't think you're making excuses for my H. However, I have tried telling him exactly what I expect from him in other situations and he failed to respond. I was scared, and stressed myself and needed my H to be there for me in a deeper and more emotional way. Telling at that time would've been more than I could've been able to do. I don't think anyone on this board has tried more than me, to find ways of communicating with H. I even went on a man's sexual forum because I thought that was his 'love language' --- he was addicted to porn for quite some time at the beginning of our marriage for which he got help eventually -- that was the start of all the problems we have. I got some great tips, but it didn't help much. In fact, as you can see, we have not ML since Feb. last year, and before that, hardly ever for the previous 3 years. Emotionally, and sexually, he is a lousy H, but he is a fairly good dad, a good provider and he is fun sometimes when going out with friends (not so much when just with me --- I have to coax him). I have not been the best of wives --- I reacted badly to the porn. I certainly had baggage of my own going into the M. But, I always tried to listen, when he had anything to say, which was mostly about his day at work or what steps he should take in his career, etc. I don't think there's much more I can do. I doubt he loves me in a romantic way, and I don't think I do either. If he tried romanticizing me now, I wouldn't know how to react ---- it's been too long since I requested that need.

He is a good friend by what I see with his friends. This has all become tiresome. Maybe, I should just aim for friendship. That seems to be where he shines. I don't know. I wanted to get through this health issue, and then see how I felt. I want my freedom, but I'm going to have to go slow. I have to think of D17 ---- she was badly effected 5 years ago when we were going through all this madness. I also have to think of finances, since he is in control of all financial things (no discussion with me, or doing a budget discussion with me --- I have very little input except that my name is on the mortgage, and our account is dual, at least the one I know about, where I buy groceries, etc. I don't have my own credit card, but one that is attached to his. So, I probably don't have much of a credit score).

Anyway, not sure what I'm going to do, or when. I am just letting the health thing sink in. I have to finish my BA degree too. I may just ask for a in-house separation. That way, I get my own money (alimony) where I can start building a credit history. He doesn't have to pay a separate mortgage or rent. He travels a lot so is often not here, anyway. Later, we can look at D or whatever.