@R22 - You are right - I should bring up H's mother issues. H may be defensive, but it's worth noting and seeing if we can go anywhere with it. I also need to remember the mother issues so not to take it personally - I know that I'm not manipulative. I only want him back if he can see his part in the breakdown of the M. If not, we're not going to change and i don't want this anymore.
As for getting someone over here when H is here - that's a great idea. I have done a lot of going out myself, but certainly when someone is here H is not abusive and puts on a good face. Also, it helps me detach. Love that idea, thanks.
Having someone else do the switchoff - something else I never thought of.
Due to the verbal abuse, I have not felt comfortable leaving H alone with S for any length of time. If the MC works, I may feel more comfortable in the future and this would be a good solution.H has shown more calmness since starting MC so I'm hoping this continues. Otherwise, I'll file a restraining order and begin the dreaded war for custody.
And yes, I forget how long this may take, that we are in the beginning of MC and the lukewarmness may last a year or more! Meantime, LR has been helping change my attitude from "dumped and alone" to "enjoying me time"!
@Williaij - thanks for stopping by. I will catch up on your sitch. You're right - I still have a hard time getting that dropping the rope is actually a way to save a M. I've calmed down since last week and realize that time apart is good for ME - not just something I'm doing for H. At least I know there will be no emotional upsets when I'm alone.
I did tell H I have no agenda and he actually listened and talked it out with me. That is new! Usually he shuts me down before I can finish a sentence. It felt really good to be able to talk openly and be heard. He said next time we can talk more openly about how we feel about spending alone time together and that also felt validating.
But you are RIGHT in that words mean nothing, actions and experience say everything. That means focusing on being true to myself no matter what H does is my goal. But it's nice to know he is finally open to hearing my words as well, even if he doesn't buy all of it.
@Freckle = Remembering that there has been verbal abuse throughout my M is what helps me detach. I get out of the "wanting to win him back" mode when I remember he has a lot of work to do whether he wants to admit it or not.
His abuse has been worse since leaving, but it is the same old pattern. The verbal abuse was less frequent, but our fights escalated more and lasted longer. I've worked hard since he left to control my half of the arguments - to walk away and go dark when he's abusive.
I tend to forget that when I try to make all these changes to save my M and to take responsibility for myself. Sure I did a lot of things I regret and don't want to do again, but now that we are in MC I'm going to have to get up the courage to start talking about how I was miserable too and not take all the blame.
What gives me strength when I feel depressed at being a "LBS" is remembering all the hurtful things he did so that I may be better off without him. The problem is, my S will always be with him. Whenever I have gotten to the brink of filing for D, I realize not only would my S be raised in 2 households, I would have no idea what kind of treatment my S is getting and if my H and I are contentious, that would be horrible for my S too.
So my hope for now is that MC will bring all the problems onto the table - not just H's - and there will be some effort at change on both sides. IF not, I'll have to fight in D court for more custody and remind myself that we all would be better off this way.
I do not want my S living in a home with fighting anymore. But like I said, the tension level went way up when H left, so D has seemed like not the best option.
@LR and that is why I have to let H go in my mind and stop expecting him to embrace his changes. If he is going to choose the same old destructive patterns, I can't help that. If he chooses to be a better person then there is hope and we can rebuild. I can't make him see it.
I tried for years to "make him see" how much he was hurting me and it got me nowhere. He shut me out. Now I am focusing on changing myself and H will either join me or not. If not, i'll have a new R someday without verbal abuse.
heck if it weren't for S I might not fight so hard. And money, that's a huge factor with a little child. I still haven't found a job. But, I remember many good times too and if we can build on those we may have a chance.
H4L I have to say if I won a million dollars tomorrow I think I'd set myself up as I wanted and then decide if I want H and then expect a bit more outta him than Im currently expecting I suppose, but thats mainly because Im just playing it safe.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
"Now I am focusing on changing myself and H will either join me or not. If not, i'll have a new R someday without verbal abuse."
That is the entire point! Make yourself into a woman who deserves, and won't settle for less than, a loving and respectful relationship. Hopefully it's H that is there with you and betters himself so that he's worthy of you.
I know how scary it is--raising a little boy alone, money, etc. I didn't have a job when my H left. I had a part time job lined up that was to start a few months later (my town clerk job b/c my MIL was retiring and I was being appointed to fill in), but I had nothing then and didn't see a way at all to be able to support myself and my son. H split his pay with me for about 6 months and suddenly decided he was just paying what he was obligated to for child support. I scrambled looking for another part time job and after 4 months finally got one in a grocery that would work for me and I still work there almost 4 years later.
We get by. By our teeth and I pinch pennies until they scream, but it's been very empowering to know that I've done it. But I won't lie and say the easing of the money issue hasn't crossed my mind if we reconcile. I'm supposed to pay him his 50% of our equity at the end of 2011 too per our D agreement. It's only 9k which is probably pennies in CA, but this part of NY--housing is very low cost. I had planned to try to put away most of my tax refund this year and next for it and somehow come up with whatever I was lacking by the end of the year. I still plan to do that this year because I don't know what will happen and I want to be prepared. But yeah, $$ does enter in my mind.
Bleh. It sucks. Winning lottery tickets for us all!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Thank you for checking in my dear, will reply more later but had a "R talk" instigated by H last night! Difficult, but so glad to be talking and listening openly to the "issues" we have a long way to go but was as vulnerable and real than I've experienced him in moooooooooonths!!!! How are you?
Last night H brings up the fear he has been hinting at lately = I'm so glad he verbalized it instead of keeping it in and randomly venting at me. He asked if I were going to blow my top and sue for more custody if he took S over night. I couldn't believe he would think I'd do that. I was as honest as I could be - if I saw any child abuse, that would be a different matter, but he has every legal and emotional right to spend time with S. I also said I just have felt like keeping S close to me because of the separation and all the hostility going on between us the past eight months. I said that frankly we should both keep an eye on each other that nobody takes out their anger on S.
I told him as long as I could trust him to keep whatever "adult" choices he's making (and I don't want to know if he's doing drugs or seeing women in his free time) away from S I would feel better.
This is tied to some horrible fights we've had where we both (but H is focusing on ME) have said things we didn't mean in anger and that he's concerned that if I get that angry again I may do something irrational.
Well I pointed out that we BOTH have had that tendency since splitting but I also listened and validated - saying I understood that if I made threats in anger of course he wouldn't know what to believe or that I could keep calm.
But the fact that he is asking me outright and respecting my answer shows that he is beginning to trust me some. Months ago, he would have assumed the worse of me and shut down. I hope that I have demonstrated my efforts to stay calm and cool and self respecting.
So I took my turn to speak up = I said that although he's focused on destructive patterns that started early on, I found a ton of old emails from him saying how much he missed me and couldn't wait to be with me all the time, etc. I thought he was having a selective memory. He owned up that the negative stuff was in such contrast to the positive stuff, it was hard to integrate.
I asked him for a memory - he mentioned "the first time I lost it at him" early on and how it made him feel. I listened and validated and said I was wrong and immature. After owning my part - HE OWNED PART TOO - admitting his reaction was probably cold and critical and even saw he may have been pushing my childhood buttons. He said he realized he could have "understood women" better and let it roll off his back more.
wowowowowow.
Still no romance, still no ILY or ML or even sleeping in same bed. But a big move toward intimacy and trust. Talked for hours. Listened a lot.
And I don't want to jinx it, but his constant anger and criticisms seem to be waning - dare I say gone - as he is quieter and calmer. I saw the old H peeking out - the sensitive one I used to love.
Today I'm mad at myself for all the ways I f***ed up post-bomb. I had huge temper tantrums. I slept with someone else. I screamed and threatened. He always had an abusive streak too - and can really push my buttons, but I let him and I never had the courage to look at my own part. Prebomb I wanted him to change first, now I'm changing first because I can't control if he'll change.
I also can't control if he'll forgive me. I think all the rage the past few months was his dysfunctional way of expressing all the hurt and anger at what I did. I don't know how I'll ever be forgiven.
i know he has been horrible too - and he's showing sigsn of seeing it. I think we're going to get through this = now that we are opening up again.
Ack = had a bad dream last night. Just like the OW posers have nightmares about OW = I had a nightmare that I entered the house and H was packing up all his stuff. Not the stuff he needs immediately either = but the stuff he has stored here like books. Without talking to me about it first. Guess I"m not as confident we'll reconcile as I thought I was.
Rabbit boots H4L up the derrier for worrying about something that is a dream and hasnt happened! Enjoy the nice moment naughty woman.
Firstly might I say that the previous post is fantastic news, from both perspectives, the fact that you have realised that your behaviour kicks off his and vice versa, give yourself a big pat on the head because operation dont panic is and has worked because H trusted what he saw in you enough to finally mention his worst fears.. NOW what ever you do dont lose it, if you even feel it coming on run for the bathroom lol!
As they say its now "gently gently catchy monkey" but its not all about catching the monkey its about enjoying and working with and on those new skills you have aquired. Time to do a new 180 list it certainly helped me to do one every known again, in fact its probably time for me as well lol!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 01/15/1007:57 PM.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Make yourself into a woman who deserves, and won't settle for less than, a loving and respectful relationship. Hopefully it's H that is there with you and betters himself so that he's worthy of you.