I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

Ok - this is going to be long.

I have been lurking on these forums for several months. Here's the short version of my story. I have been M 5 years, T for 7. My H up and dropped the ILYBNILY bomb in Sept. Leading up to that our M was pretty good for the the first 3-4 years. No major issues between us. Early in our marriage I experience alot of loss in my family - 4 people died in 6 months. I never dealt with that grief at all. 3 years into our M I quite my job to be self employed without my H's blessing. Thats where the trouble began (totally my fault for handling it that way). I thought we worked through that issue at the time. Things did go well for the first year or so of the biz. Then the economy tanked and I found myself in a position of being a whistle blower at the company. That totally ruined the good career I had there. On top of that my best friend committed suicide and I lost it. I was re-assigned but didn't make anything for an income for the last year. I feel into a deep, dark, nasty depression (which I have only recently realized) Now I see that my H went looking for an affair right then. He found an EA around 3/09 with his high school GF on Facebook. He turned 30 this past summer and things were deteriorating fast. He was having somewhat of a mid-life crisis - if you can have one at 30. He was clearly depressed and I was starting to see so was I. In July I started reaching out for IC and trying to fix the major issues I was identifying. During the summer it was clear to me that something inappropriate was going on with the "old friend" - nothing good comes from texting that much. We had 3 weeks of knovl down drag out screaming matches on Sat nights, followed by him going out to be the "wingman" for his single friends. The he arranged a get together with old high school friends - no spouses allowed. That spawned a huge fight because I was very upset about it. That was one week before he left. He spent the entire evening with her talking alone from the group. He left early Sept - walked out after a fight and hasn't been back. Told me a week later that he wants a divorce immediately. I checked the phone records - long long convo's with the OW and a ridiculous number of texts. He raging, bitter, horrible angry and I did everything wrong for the first month. Then I found Divorce Rememdy and started following it religiously. Things have gotten better. He's commuicating mostly through email and I'm trying to validate and listen. He's let me in on some insights to how he feels about the marriage. He's acknowledged all my changes but keeps stressing that they have to be for me only, "we" is dead. He dosen't feel he could forgive me and he dosen't have to if we get divorced. He thinks I never listened or let him make decisions and that I never respected him. He's done all the classic WAS stuff - its all my fault, re-writing history, we got married to young/fast, we arent' compatible, etc. I went and got a job right away when he left because I am determined to keep my house and I couldn't support myself on my self employed income with the economy. His big complaint is that I was bankrupting us and he chose to leave so I wouldn't bankrupt him - only myself. I've been pulling more than half the weight paying for half our bills and all the house bills since then - I'm working 2 jobs to do it. He just keeps trying to pay less and less, telling me I'm taking advantage of him. The biz has struggled because of the whistleblower situation and I totally lost my self confidence through that. IC has helped me find the me that was there when we got married and H has acknowledged he see's that and I'm working hard to deal with my issues. He pushed and pushed for a D through to Nov when I asked him to wait through the holidays so I could deal with the holidays alone in peace. He agreed and followed through. During that time he's gone from mean and nasty to a place of almost mutual respect. Its hard because I'm struggling to make ends meet and he's living it up with lots of extra $ and a damn GF. It seems the EA had turned into PA. I've been working hard in IC to decide how I'm going to handle this. I've decided that I can't file for divorce with him- what he desperately wants. Divorce isn't an option for me and I can't do it. He's pushing again - as I expected. Now I don't know what to do. How do I take things from here? If you need more info let me know - I know this is crazy crazy long. I really want to continue on the right path and save this marriage - I just don't know how to do it going forward. Thanks!