Moving Foward

[LolaL]

Who knows why they do anything. If I had a nickle for everytime I shook my head in disbelief at something my H said or did in the last few years, I would be rich as Roosevelt.

[Kemper]

Thank you LolaL for the laugh.

Only they know why they said or did something and even then I would guess that most of the time they don't even know why they said or did it.

[LolaL]

I will tell you my opinion and then I have to get back to work.

I think they know they are screwing up. Every single messed up one of them.

But...pride is an SOB who knows no color or boundary. It is up to the individual who is infested with pride to beat the beast back. But the beast is strong, and stronger than many. They would rather hold on to their precious pride than tell someone that they screwed up, and that they are sorry.

I try to think about it a bit from their perspective. I once dated this guy when I was young. He was a nice guy, educated, good job. He was also in college. I asked him if I could visit him one weekend, and he told me no because he had to study. I didn't get that at the time, and dumped him for one of the many losers I have dated.

About six months later I saw the good guy. I watched him look at me, and I at him, and I realized I had screwed up big time. But did I say anything? Nooooooooo. Because I had too much pride. I didn't want HIM to think that I regretted my decision.

Of course, I was like 22 at the time. Big difference 20 years will make. I am stronger now, and so is the pride beast.

But I kicked his ass a long time ago. Difference is, I did the work.

Our WAS's haven't.

[MHL]

LolaL,
Wow, that is it, you sumed all up in one word "Pride". IT is the beast, Do you think it gets harder as you get older? That is, is it harder to suck up your pride as you get older? I feel the opposite, I have done nothing but suck up my pride and admit what I have done wrong in the past with my W, my M, my children, etc. and it was easier than if I was 15 years younger.

[Kemper]

LolaL,

I agree with you 100% that not only do they know they are screwing up but that pride is a very strong beast and many would rather hold onto pride than ask for forgiveness. Unfortunatly, I think I feel into that somewhat in our M but I am aware of that now and offer my sincere appoligies whenever I know I screwed up.

All,

Good and interesting night tonight. I had dinner with some friends after work. It was good to get out and be around people that truly care about you.

While out to dinner my W tried calling a couple of times. She is out of town with the boys and based on a letter that our lawyers drafted up she needed to let me know when they arrived at their destination, have the boys call ONCE while gone to talk and let me know when they were on their way home so that I knew when to expect them. Well my W called last night to have the boys talk to me so I had no intention of answering the phone tonight and I didn't. On the last call she left a VM so I checked it in case anything was wrong. She said she wanted to let the boys say goodnight and I could tell she wasn't her normal self and that I should call later if I want. Even after listening to the message I had no intention of calling.

Then one of our neighbors called and left a VM. I am really close with the husband and he is aware of everything including the A. I called him back to see how he was doing. He said that my W had called their house because she was "worried" and couldn't get in touch with me. I told him (even though he was already aware) that we are on the verge of separation and I find it odd that my W calls two nights in a row while away this time but any other time doesn't have the decency or respect to call when she is out of town. NOTE: I typically call anyway because I want to talk to my boys. He then told me that his W wanted to talk with me. She is really sweet and knows most of what is going on but doesn't know about the A. She asked me to call my W to let her know that I was ok. I will be honest, I didn't want to call and as I was talking to her their house phone was ringing and she said it was my W and I need to call her. I relented and told her I would.

I called the W and she answered. She said sorry for all the panic but she was worried. I asked if my sons were there. She put the youngest on and I had a few min conversation with him. She got back on the phone and I asked if my oldest was around. She tried to get him on the phone but he is at an age where he really has to be interested in something or else he doesn't want anything to do with it. Needless to say he wasn't interested in talking on the phone. My W then let me know their plans for leaving tomorrow to head back. I said ok and it felt like she was trying to hang onto the conversation. I told her that I needed to go and I said goodbye.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not reading into the above situation, I just find it interesting and odd at the same time.

Then I get home from dinner and in the mail is a bill from Verizon. She got another cell phone because a few weeks ago I turned off text messaging on both of our phones with AT&T to cut back expenses for the upcoming separation. I knew she got one a few weeks ago but it will be intersting to see what she says, if anything now that there is a bill and she will know that I know. Up until this point I assume she thought I had no idea about it.

I have a meeting with my L tomorrow so I need to see if I am at all responsible for paying for her "new" cell phone. She is acting like a rebelious teenager thinking "Dad" cut off the text messaging so I will show him and go get a new phone.

When she gets home I am going to act "as if" and see if she says anything about it. Oh well the drama continues...

[MHL]

Kemper,
I had a similar phone call about 6 weeks ago, do you think she got a little taste of what D will be like. I mean both the kids and your not around, and if she were to relocate far away you aren't around the corner, you are hours away? Too, bad she isn't staying longer, I know you miss your kids, but maybe, just maybe she started to think about the future a little instead of living in the moment.

I think you are handling everything fine and did a great job on the phone. It will be interesting to see how she is when she gets back home.

[Kemper]

Her relocating is a huge concern of mine and something that will be spelled out both in the move out agreement and the separation agreement. I refuse to let my children grow up with me hours away. I want it so that a judge has to decide if my W (or I for that matter) can relocate. I don't want her to decide one day that she is moving back with the boys to where we grew up, and where OM lives. I honestly wouldn't even want her to move back there if the boys stayed here. It isn't in their best interest for either of us to live hours away from them.

Sorry to go off on a tangent.

I can't really read into it all that much. Over the past few months she has spent plenty of time away from the house, both with the kids and without. However, while we were having issues I had maintained up until the day after Christmas that I didn't believe in divorce and she would be the one to file. Based on that I don't think she ever had to think about what D would be like because she probably felt that she would string this along as long as possible. After I changed my stance based on the cake eating and her lack of effort for the M (and OM) maybe this is her starting to get a taste.

I am at a point now where even if she came back home tomorrow and said she wanted to work on things I wouldn't. Why? Because I think she needs to feel the full effects of her choices and that includes moving out, being on her own, getting a job, struggling, etc. I hate to say it but my wife has/had it really good. I need to upset that balance before I would even think of working on the R/M if she decided she wanted to.

It will be interesting to see how she acts tomorrow night. I am going to maintain my same "as if" and happy demeanor.

[nikblondiew]

It's weird...Kemper I read in one of your posts you said you weren't sure you'd take her back. It's funny something I clinged to sooooo dearly I find I no longer am as much. I guess being separate did that to me. Not to mention I am happy when not dealing with my H. That tells me a lot. I feel like some weights are off my shoulders not having to revolve, it was exhausting. He is extremely depressed and battling drinking again. So I find myself wondering would I even want him back? As he is now? No. Ready to put myself and son first. It's hard to believe I am saying these things. THe first time this happened (2 years ago) I couldn't even get off the floor, literally. Now look, here I am smiling ...a lot, having fun, am I scared of things...sure but overall considering the circumstances I feel pretty good.

It's crazy what time does for a person.........

[LolaL]

LolaL,
Wow, that is it, you sumed all up in one word "Pride". IT is the beast, Do you think it gets harder as you get older? That is, is it harder to suck up your pride as you get older? I feel the opposite, I have done nothing but suck up my pride and admit what I have done wrong in the past with my W, my M, my children, etc. and it was easier than if I was 15 years younger.

Yes and no.

I do think the pride beast grows stronger as we get older, and become more accomplished. There are certain things that we SHOULD be proud of. Pride in self is very important for good self esteem. But when it is taken to far, it becomes a beast.

As long as you keep it in perspective, I think pride is a good thing. It takes a very strong person to swallow that pride and say I'm sorry, I was wrong. The problem is that a mentally healthy person will be able to, and in today's day and age, there ain't many left. Society has made so many mental dysfunctions that you can literally go to a book and pick one now, and say that is the excuse for my bad behavior.

And so then the pride beast takes over, and before that person realizes it, pride rules them.

I remember my H once telling me he could not accept the filing fee from me to file the D because it was a matter of pride. And I though WTF do you have to be proud about?



Again, who knows. Right now, they are a bunch of mutant zombies.

[MHL]

Sorry for the hijack Kemper,

Society has made so many mental dysfunctions that you can literally go to a book and pick one now, and say that is the excuse for my bad behavior.

And so then the pride beast takes over, and before that person realizes it, pride rules them.

Again, who knows. Right now, they are a bunch of mutant zombies.

My W's IC told her she was Co-dependent on a bad relationship with me. Of course that was based on the complete and total truth coming from my W. My W in the beginning of the R used the excuse that she was Co-da for not working on the R until she fixed herself. Now Pride is preventing her from admitting any wrong doing for the ONS's and 5 week affair w/ #2 OM which is the last thing a Co-da person should be doing.

I like to refer to her as the "alien" and she is hidden somewhere down in the green goo.