The Ninja is back

[P17]

A most interesting and frustrating conversation if there ever was one. She seems extremely complacent and OK with the status quo. This discussion turned into one similar to the ones we've had before. I asked her if she wanted a D, she said that I was supposed to do it.

This is becoming a record Jumpy. A record that you are going to need to pull the needle off of, throw on the ground and not listen to it anymore. She is going to spout this same garbage time and time and time again. What are is your W? 5?

So she wants a D but doesn't want to do it?

I was reading something last week. It was about exit affairs though but one part of it was interesting and I think applies. WAS don't generally wants to initiate the D as they then look like the bad guy. W may want to say 'yeah Jumpy divorced me' and then she doesn't have to explain everything of course. On the other hand if she says 'yeah I divorced Jumpy' then she has to explain it ...

I told her I didn't want one and wanted her to do it.

I think, given the sitch, that wasd the wrong thing to tell W. Although hindsight is a wonderful thing. I would probably do the same with my W and I completely understand why. I think you should be trying to let her think you're gone ... that seemed to work when you were NC.

I asked her whether she enjoyed the current situation and she said she was fine with it. She even went so far as to say that she was willing to sit like this until the next husband came along.

Of course she is. She get's to stay 'married' which a lot of WAS like (my W being one of them) as it gives them a bit of status - married is good.

However, the last paragraph just stinks of disrespect Jumpy. I would step on that asap. She is happy to stay married to you, but doesn't want to be married to you, in fact she wants you so little that she will stay married to somebody she dislikes until the next husband wanders past? Come on.

She reiterated a lot of the things she perceived as flaws in me, and told me that she wanted the marriage to work but me to change.

So she wants the marriage to work? Yeah? She doesn't want to divorce you? Yeah? She doesn't want you? Yeah? She is happy to stay in this situation until the next husband comes along? Yeah? Err, no.

She wants the marriage to work and she wants you to change? Have I missed the part where she admits that she lied, cheated and betrayed the man who trusted her most in the world and had an A behind his back? Did that come up in the conversation?

I have no doubt whatsoever that you need to change. We all need to change in here as our WAS's generally have A's for a reason. Whatever you think of that reason, it's valid to them.

However it takes two to make a marriage work. It takes two to have it fail. It takes two to D and it takes two to fix it.

She, again, needs to put her big girl pants on and start talking about her role in all of this stuff and how SHE has and will change.

She once again stated that she was a good wife, despite the fact that she cheated on me.

The fact that she cheated on your means she was not a good wife. She is a liar, a cheat, has problems understanding what commitment means, has a problem understanding her vows (forsake all others and in sickness and in health - roughly translated means 9in good and bad times) and has boundary issues with the opposite sex.

When I reminded her of some of her flaws, she immediately asked me why I didn't file, and I told her, for the same reason that I hadn't.

I think you guys shout talk about whether you want to fix the marriage or not. Nothing else. Not the whys and wherefores, not the hows, but the yes or no. If it's a yes then you both need to be committed to it. BOTH of you. Talking about who did what, when and where before you even decide to give it a go again is pointless IMO. You are going to go around in circles.

Do you want to try again Mrs Jumpy? Yes Or No. Mr Jumpy, do you want to try again? Yes or No. No other answers are acceptable.

Once you have your answer, then take it from there.

Of course, she told me how she believed that I never loved her, and that the counselor that we both see (who I no longer see since I moved) told her that my attempts at reconciliation are an attempt to avoid rejection.

I think that counsellor should be on a TV show of her own called 'Counsellors turned Psychics'. My counsellor has never once said what my W did ... she offered vague opinions like she 'sounds confused' but nothing definite. She has said MANY times that 'W isn't here to answer that so we will never know'. That's what a counsellor does.

Counsellors are there to listen to US and offer us suggestions, questions and potential solutions to OUR problems. They are not there to offer OPINIONS on a person who is not there to speak for themselves.

However, I would take heed of what W said - she never thought you loved her? I'm sure my W could relate to that. Maybe an insecurity on her part but still something to listen to, validate and keep in your mind.

Ironically enough, it's sort of the opposite, I want to resolve a situation because there are other people who are expressing interest in me who I cannot touch at this time.

Wrong reason Jumpy. It's not W or somebody else.

Long story short, it was a rehash of everything wrong I did with no recognition of any personal responsibility.
It's frustrating that she will not come out of that and recognize that she engaged in certain behaviors that made her a less than stellar wife. I think that her own unwillingness to accept her role in this is the biggest obstacle to overcoming things. She knows she [censored] up, but can't face dealing with it, so it's still my fault.

You can't make her deal with it and face it. She has to realise that she has to do this herself. Only then will she 'get it' and will (hopefully) avoid making the same mistake again.

If she doesn't get it, then what is stopping her from becoming a WAS again? You only stop doing things when you know they're wrong. If you don't know that, what is stopping you from doing it again?

I gave her till Friday to make a decision.

My guess is that she doesn't believe your boundary and won't make a decision. She will also see you filing for divorce as you 'not loving her'. I think you will be caught between a rock and a hard place but you MUST carry out enforcing your boundary otherwise you have lost all respect in her eyes for good and there will be no real path back.

Ironic that I'm sitting here looking at things in the house to clean if I invite her up here, but also typing up a divorce petition right now.
Thoughts?

Finish the petition and file it if she doesn't come to a decision.