As the head of your family, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing everything you can to protect it from PREDATORS (and that is what OM is -- a predator) when you have reasonable cause. I think things like keyloggers are fine for routinely monitoring your CHILDREN, even WITHOUT "reasonable cause," but in the case of an adult spouse, I think one should only employ a keylogger, voice-activated recorder, etc., if you have very real concerns that your spouse is being unfaithful.
When you consider the financial, legal, emotional and even MEDICAL risks (please don't make me spell it out!), I hardly think this is an extreme position.
I haven't followed your sitch, NOMAD, but I normally advise people to NEVER give up the source of your intel, and that would be my default position here. That "they don't know what you know, and what you DON'T know" position is a VERY powerful way to get at the truth, very quickly, and bust an affair.
Now, I DO believe, that a MC environment needs to be one of complete and total honesty, between all 3 parties (husband, wife, and MC). So I think it's proper to let a cheating spouse (or formerly-cheating spouse) know that you "KNOW ALL ABOUT" their infidelity. But I don't think you're under any obligation to reveal your source(s) until such time that:
- you are reconciling;
- your formerly-cheating spouse has agreed to "100% no-contact" and "TOTAL TRANSPARENCY";
HAS she? At that time, you can certainly offer MUTUAL transparency as part of the agreement.
