Am I Ready for This?

[glamgirl]

Never is a pretty strong word and may not be the exact, but it was more about me than him. I realized that I wanted more and deserved more. I was always left feeling like I was thrown a bone now and then. My h would come over spend time with me and the kids when it was convenient for him, but just wasn't willing to move home and make it work.

The more this went on the more resentment I built up. My h was always telling me he didn't want to come home and that I just didn't listen. Finally, I lost the desire to want him home anymore. It was like tugging and pulling on a rope and never winning. I always walked away feeling like I wasn't good enough and was left empty inside. That went on long enough until I finally snapped. The light bulb went on and I finally realized that my h didn’t want to be with me. If he did he would be in the home and making it work. I am sure there is much more to it than this, but without my h sharing and opening up nothing could ever be resolved. It has been 4 years for me. I had to evaluate where my life was at and what I wanted out of it. So you see, it’s not about h’s timeline when I say never it’s about my timeline. I had enough and so that is why it’s a never for me.

Everything is progressing forward. Let me repeat, it’s not what I wanted for my life, but I didn’t have anymore options. My h didn’t want to move home period. Now he may want that someday, but the someday was what I was no longer willing to accept. I could have been at that for 10+ years. No dating. Still working on me and evaluating who would make a life long partner.

The sadness creeps in now and then, but not for me but for the brokenness that has been left for my children. At least, I am finally at peace. The waiting, wondering, wanting is finally over. H and I make good business partners but not good life long partners for each other, if that makes sense. I am finally ok with that. I do strongly believe I will make a good life long partner for the right person and that is why values are so important in my next relationship.

Sometimes in life you have to do what you feel in your heart is the best decision. I know what I want, now it’s just a matter of getting what I want.