H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[flowmom]

If you are not ready to talk about anything legal (divorce, separation) then simply tell your H :H, at this time I am not prepared to discuss anything further about a divorce.

He initiated talk about D, I didn't respond and the conversation didn't proceed from there.

I would not make myself so available to him and I would no longer offer to do him favors. Be very busy and create mystery. If he calls/texts/e-mails wait at least 24-48 hours to respond and when you do respond be vague, happy and upbeat. Let him wonder what you are up to. This will also give you some space from having to talk about something you are not yet prepared to discuss.

This is tricky due to our frequent contact so that the children don't feel the impact of this as suddenly. I only initiate conversations about the children, and those issues must be discussed in my opinion. If he wants to confide in me as a friend, should I refuse that?

Creating mystery. Not sure if I'm ready for that. I'm not sure what GAL looks like for me right now. I've been subsumed in my parenting role, and right now I don't have a lot of time to GAL.

Setting healthy boundaries is very important. Working on you (you said shooting your mouth off was an issue for him) is all you can do. Validate his feelings even if you don't agree with what he is saying and do not participate in any sort of R talks, it's way too soon.

I think I'm doing the above, and only slipped on the R talk issue last Saturday night

Are you 110% certain he is not having an affair of any kind? Between the divorce support group I have been a member of for almost two years, this site, my counselor and "real life" experiences when a WAS moves out and a week later begins talking divorce there is a reason they want out so fast.

No, I'm not 110% certain. He knows from his past experiences that that just muddies the waters. OTOH, when I said that if he was dating I don't want my children to have any contact with the datee without my knowing about it, he said he had to think about it. I think he wants to have an affair, just hasn't started yet. Maybe there's an EA. It wouldn't be hard for him to find someone -- he's buff, "manly", and can be very charming.

If he is going to file then he is going to file. You are not obligated to "work with him" or HELP HIM get a divorce.

This part is tricky. The day he moved out he had picked a mediator that he wanted us to see. I stalled a bit, then came up with the alternative of seeing a psychologist to develop a coparenting plan. I feel very unequipped to deal with how to help the children through this. It's hard for me to think about them staying in his apartment which I've never seen, when he's never even looked after the children while I go out in the evening or all night.

I feel like I could use some professional support in guiding us through this and keeping the focus on the kids.