She needs to come home for the RIGHT reasons... because she loves you and wants you.
You're trying to be the knight in shining armor right now... and are setting yourself up for failure. She has issues within her to resolve. She has to figure out for herself that YOU are the right choice and the only choice.
As soon as things start getting a little turbulent.. whoosh... super hero OB to the rescue. So... why should I try. All I need to do is pull on his heart strings and he's back in line. While he's sitting in limbo and waiting for me I can fantasize and do as I please....
Do you see how this works?
EDIT: I may be wrong, I don't think I am... if I am someone please point out where my experience has failed me.
The reason I'm telling you to stir things up is to create the CRISIS. The fantasy life she has created in her mind needs to be destroyed - completely. If even a shred of it lives on she will cling onto it for dear life.
Usually when the OM is faced with the additional choice of having to feed, clothe, house her, console her, comfort her in her hour of need etc... he will pack up and run. This will leave her devastated. She will try come back home... and this is where the "I get it" speech comes into effect. You don't let her back in. From that point forward she needs to put in the effort by showing remorse and commitment. During that time you hold the line by saying, "I'm not sure, I need to think about it, need to figure out what I want... and who's best for me etc"
I feel like I just got a stay from execution, and I'm not sure why.
She's trying to come home now for THE WRONG REASONS. You didn't get a stay of execution... you are setting yourself up to be used.
Don't fall into the trap of false reconciliation.
OB,
Only you can decide for yourself what you want to do. But I will tell you, the NUMBER ONE MISTAKE betrayed spouses make, by far, is to let the cheating spouse back in too quickly; too easily.
Former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once famously said, "I can't define 'pornography,' but I know what it is when I see it." You will know TRUE REMORSE when you see it. I don't believe this is it.
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
The reason I'm telling you to stir things up is to create the CRISIS. The fantasy life she has created in her mind needs to be destroyed - completely. If even a shred of it lives on she will cling onto it for dear life.
Usually when the OM is faced with the additional choice of having to feed, clothe, house her, console her, comfort her in her hour of need etc... he will pack up and run. This will leave her devastated. She will try come back home... and this is where the "I get it" speech comes into effect. You don't let her back in. From that point forward she needs to put in the effort by showing remorse and commitment. During that time you hold the line by saying, "I'm not sure, I need to think about it, need to figure out what I want... and who's best for me etc"
Are you getting the game plan?
This. ^ Oh, emphatically, all of this. ^
I have seen this work HUNDREDS of times!!!
Puppy
Yeah, Okay & I get it!
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Reasonable people differ about at which stage -- 3 or 4 -- one should try to reconcile with the cheating spouse. But it damned sure isn't Stage 1 or 2.
Reasonable people differ about at which stage -- 3 or 4 -- one should try to reconcile with the cheating spouse. But it damned sure isn't Stage 1 or 2.
Puppy
Yeah, I have to remind myself that yesterday wasn't my problem.
I'm sad for her, but it's been her actions not mine.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc." Puppy
If this is Stage 3 I just got it and a few more apologies.
She's in Bathroom now gotta go before she gets back in here.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Slow and easy, OB. Maybe a simple "Look, this is your mess -- you need to clean it up" would be in order here.
DON'T TELL HER STEP-BY-STEP WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO. You're looking for COMMITMENT here, not COMPLIANCE.
When her ACTIONS begin to match her WORDS -- over time -- then you will know she is sincere.
Puppy
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ THIS
Slow and steady wins the race! Right now she is emotional. Reality has hit her like a ton of bricks!
PATIENCE is the KEY WORD here. If you want any chance of reconciling this and ensuring it's not a temporary "lapse of judgment" on her part you HAVE TO let her bear the consequences because if you don't you'll pay the price.
Sure, she's going to spew later that this was a "defining moment" that she needed you and you weren't there for her blah, blah, blah... that's SPEW.
REMEMBER: Men don't REACT we RESPOND. Emotional outbursts are short lived. What you are looking for is CONSISTENCY. OB, I know this is EXTREMELY difficult for you to not rush to her. I know you're compassionate and love her. But you have to practice tough love here. If she really loves you, wants you and needs you then it will appear through consistency. As absurd and counter-intuitive as this sounds... she has to move out.
Bear those things in mind. Yes, pushing her away may send her away for good. That is a possibility, I won't deny that. The thing you need to keep in mind... it took her months for her to decided to betray you and walk out... what makes you think an hour's epiphany during stress is going make her turn around?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
