Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[January girl]

I have read and re-read everything you have said to me multiple times in the past 3 days.

If I kick him out, he will move in with OW, her teenage son and mother AND we will HAVE to have "the talk" with D9. I have figured out that I am so TERRIFIED of this talk that I am paralyzed. I'm putting up with a lot that I shouldn't simply because I don't want to have "the talk." I know that I am being weak. He and I are both involved in a family business which complicates the sitch even more.

How do spouses of MLC people simply ignore what is going on with the OW/OM?

He told me last night that he wants our daughter to help him set up his apartment and "that she may never meet the OW." I know, I know, they lie, manipulate etc. It's just that that was THE FIRST time that he ever mentioned her EVER being "out of the picture."

I know I'm a mess. Yesterday was my birthday-44. Normally I love my birthday but I had a "mental pity party" a couple of times during the day. He also wrote me a note in my birthday
card and basically said he was very sorry about what he has done but that he will always love me because I'm the one who gave him the best gifts in the world-our kids. He said I deserve so much
more than he can give. He feels he is being lead down a different path.

He has decided to go to IC which I think is a good idea.

Thoughts? (Without 2x4's if possible)

[CityGirl]

Wow... living with his affair partner, a teenager and a mother. Sounds awesome to me <insert sarcasm here>. Hell, in that case scenario I would encourage him to do that - the shine will wear off that arrangement real quick!

I don't think you need to ignore the affair. Set boundaries, stick to the boundaries and enforce them when necessary.

As far as the talk with your little girl you keep saying WE need to have the talk with her. Your H needs to do the talking and take full accountability for HIS choices. You just need to sit there and be strong and stable for your daughter. Don't let his crappy behavior become your burden when it comes to the "talk".

IC may or may not be helpful. After a year of living apart my H finally admitted to me he was in IC because he could not live with the guilt anymore. I was thrilled. He went three times and claims he was cured. He essentially found a C that validated his bad behavior by telling him it was far more important to be happy then treat people with respect. Her solution was if you feel guilt say you are sorry and then your guilt will go away. Had I not heard this from the C with my own two ears I never would have believed it.

I really can't stand when an adult makes the declaration they are "being led down a different path". Adults don't lead, they follow and if OW/OM or inflated visions of grandeur are powerful enough to "lead them" they probably are rather lame individuals to begin with.

[Awoken]

Hi JanuaryGirl,

I'm glad you checked in. Even though I've had a difficult week, I've been wondering about you. You must feel like we've given you a lumber yard of 2x4's! I understand that only you really know what is going on in your sitch, and I hope you understand that those 2x4's are there to support you.

I understand about your fear of the "talk". I was so full of dread leading up to it. I felt like I had to throw up the entire time. It's the worst thing I've ever had to do. I don't know what the others will say, but I think if you are not ready for it, then it's ok to wait until you feel better prepared. Yes, your husband should do the talking, but I know you will be there.

Reading you post, I just want to give you a hug! I know this must be the worst time of your life, and your worst birthday ever. You share a family business with your H? That must make detaching from him even harder. wow.

I agree with CityGirl, you're not supposed to ignore the affair. I don't know how it would be possible anyway.

As far as the other things your H has told you. I don't think it matters what he is saying. He'll change his mind the next day, or remember that he said something else, or he is lying about it now. It took me months to stop worrying about all the things my W said (and I still do sometimes!). After sometime, I realized that it just didn't matter what she said, because it seldom had anything to do with reality. I know that sounds harsh, and it's been hard for me to form this doubt about a person that I've so trusted for so many years. But then I've read the same thing over and over in other threads. It's like my W is an alien. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about/care about her.

I don't know if any of this does you any good, but hang in there.

[CityGirl]

I wanted to clarify...

IMO the shine will wear off such an ARRANGEMENT (living with OW, teenager and mom). It may or may not take the shine off the affair. I am of the school that most affairs do last much longer than anybody thinks.

Affairs also last much longer (again, IMO and experience) when both participants of the affair can be cozy. My H has an empty house to live in and the OW has her own place and lives alone. TWO empty houses (no kids or other family members) bode well for an affair. An affair, a mom and a kid... not so much.

Your H might decide the situation is not worth the affair. Or, the affair might continue depending on the depth of it and a new living arrangement will blossom.

You can't control any of that though.

[Ready2Change]

If I kick him out, he will move in with OW, her teenage son and mother

You do not kick him out. You give him two choices. BOTH HAVE CONSEQUENCES TO HIM. One is irresponsible. The other is responsible.

AND we will HAVE to have "the talk" with D9. I have figured out that I am so TERRIFIED of this talk that I am paralyzed.

I would like to suggest that you face this fear. You FACE it so that it will not control you. It is important for you to set boundaries with H before "The talk".

Have you read :

How to tell the kids thread

I'm putting up with a lot that I shouldn't simply because I don't want to have "the talk."

Enabling irresponsible behavior does not work. Get completely prepared for the talk. Set your boundaries with H. Let him own his choices and the results.

I know that I am being weak.

Lean on us sweetie...HUGS

How do spouses of MLC people simply ignore what is going on with the OW/OM?

Do not ignore. Set your focus on you and your kids. Set your boundaries. Do not tolerate irresponsible behavior.

I know I'm a mess.

HUGS. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what H chooses. Nothing ever stays the same. Keep going through this and face all your fears. Keep working on you.

Yesterday was my birthday-44. Normally I love my birthday but I had a "mental pity party" a couple of times during the day.

That is understandable. I wish you well over the next year.

He also wrote me a note in my birthday
card and basically said he was very sorry about what he has done but that he will always love me because I'm the one who gave him the best gifts in the world-our kids. He said I deserve so much more than he can give. He feels he is being lead down a different path.

Set him free to be lead down that path. Let go of controlling the outcome. It is very important to do this. It is hard as h3ll to do this. This is the counter-intuitive part that works.

(Without 2x4's if possible)

I understand how everything that the WAS does hurts. One thing that helped me was realizing where my responsibilities end and other peoples begin. Responsibilities got all blurry and mixed together in the M. Boundaries by cloud clarified things for me.

I am responsible for me. My thoughts words and actions.
I am responsible to others. I am not responsible to enable irresponsible behavior.

I am responsible to my kids. My responsibility as a parent is to protect my kids from physical and emotional damage while giving them choices and allowing natural consequences to teach them responsible behavior.

Put on your oxygen mask first. Then assist others putting on their masks.

[Ready2Change]

My point from the last post:

WAS is making choices that have a potential of hurting the children emotionally. LBS wants to protect the children from the potential emotional damage. The way to protect them is by modeling healthy behavior. Boundaries put the responsibility back on the WAS.

[Ready2Change]

...and I hope you understand that those 2x4's are there to support you. ...

and when you come out the otherside, you can use them to build a new house. HUGS

[Awoken]

Yes to everything Ready2Change said!

[January girl]

I DID IT!! I set a boundary and he consented.

Basically he called me this morning and said he was going out
to "play pool" this evening if it was ok with me and I had
nothing going on. I said that I was no longer going to enable
him to date his mistress on the weekends. I told him that as
long as we live under the same roof that was no longer going to
be acceptable behavior. I know this was a small step but
at least I'm not standing frozen in place.

[CityGirl]

Very good job! Way to go!!!!!!

And it was NOT a small step... it was a huge one