DDay, do you have any more suggestions on how to get H to talk? Not about R or M but something or do I wait until he contacts me. I'm afraid I won't ever hear from him for some reason. It seems like he has gone dark. I know you told me to go dark but with both of us going dark how does a person start to reconcile?
Maybe you won't. YOU cannot make it happen. Re-read that. You cannot make it happen. You must let it happen and stop trying to manipulate the outcome of this. You have far less control over him than you realize and the one person you can control, you aren't. (YOU). Take charge of your life and for now, and the near future, figure he's not a part of it except as it relates to d. Turn it over to God, do your best and leave the results up to Him.
When your h does have contact with you which he will have to, it'll be upbeat and warm. He'll see a contrast between the negative needy image he is using to keep away from you, to justify leaving, with the positive warmth you will project when you do have contact. AND YOU WILL HAVE SOME CONTACT...you have a child. The more months that pass without contact, the more noticeable your changes will be. And he'll contrast the warmth and fun of the family he left behind, with the lonely life he has out there. It's NOT all fun & games out there for him. Hopefully He'll eventually feel safe enough to be around you IF YOU DON'T PURSUE...but are simply fun and pleasant BUT INDEPENDENT of him...no pressure and excessive upbeatness looks like pursuit so it's a balance. End the conversations you two have, you be the one to end them b/c of your fun filled NEW Life...he has to see that you are not the same woman or why would he go back? Plus by seeing a happy woman, he'll feel that the possibiility of repair is there, whereas if you are always needy and sad/mad then he will think it's hopeless. BUT DON"T BE A DOORMAT...are you okay financially? IF he's still jerking you around while making twice the salary you must assert yourself. That will likely, in the LONG run do good things for the R you two have. Why make it easy on him money wise? Let it cost PLUS oh by the way, it's your kids' money so fight for her.
Come up with some goals that are small. Like being the one to stay calm and positive on the phone and ending the conversation first (not rudely, but as soon as there's a tiny lull, GET OFF THE PHONE)...see if you can set another goal of passing on a joke about the kids or a touching story and let it bond AFTER you're off the phone. Don't make your hopes and expectations apparent=pursuit. NO PURSUIT....none. Just slowly building a safe zone so he feels no pressure from being around you. IF he brings up some event at work, listen like a lover. (My DB coach's advice). Also applaud loudly for the 1% of positive things he does. EVen if it's minimal...
Take charge of the finances CALMLY always calmly, and let him see the true costs of the div, WHILE also being a fun warm woman, a woman only a fool would leave is your best shot. You can't worry about the no contact and think that means he never thinks of you two. HE does....he does. He may dread it b/c of the guilt he feels or thinks your'll throw at him. Set and enforce boundaries, no freaking out and no more obsessing. You've done that for too long.....time to leave that part behind and GAL and move on...(MOVING ON DOES NOT MEAN GIVE UP) It means GAL and assume for now he's in the Australian bush and can't call you if there's a storm so let the storms pass and if he calls, you're a fun warm woman...with things to do, places to go and fascinating people to meet....got it?
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
