The last three days were really awesome for some reason. Prior to that, we just seemed out of tough with each other. Out of the blue, my ex was super lovely dovely (being affectionate, talking in the middle of the night). We also made love several times each of the three nights (something we hadn't done in months). It was as if she was really trying to make it work. It's hard to tell if she was doing that because I told her I wanted to postpone the wedding, something she took really hard when I told her a couple of weeks ago) and if she was just trying to prove to me that she was serious. Whatever the motive, those three days were probably the best I've had in over a year.
Then today it all went down the crapper. Yesterday I was in a car accident and my car got totaled. I've been really stressed out lately because the financial situation we are in. Been very tough. Yet, yesterday I was actual in a pretty good mood in spite of losing the only vehicle I have (although my ex still has hers). Today, I was really frustrated. Mainly because I'm in such a tight spot that I can't really afford to get a car. Well, my ex could tell that I was frustrated and asked me why. I told her that I didn't really want to talk about it and that it was best that she not push the subject. Well, she did and I pretty much said every wrong thing. In short, I told her that I was frustrated because I felt that she put me in this predicament by wanting to buy the house now rather than wait another year like I wanted. At the time I was paying low rent at some apartment and would have paid off most of my debts within that time frame. The original plan was to do just that so that when we moved in, finances wouldn't be much of an issue. Several months ago my ex told me that if we didn't buy the house, that she would move on with her life. She in many ways I felt like I had no choice and went ahead in brought the house even though I didn't feel comfortable buying it. Well, I brought that issue up and vented on how now we are in this mess because she didn't want to wait and do things right, etc etc.
Needless to say, she is rightfully very upset and told me that she is done trying. That I haven't changed and that will be out of the house once I come back from London. I did all the DB "no no(s)" such as begging, pleading asking her to forgive, that I wanted to be a family, etc. That of course pushed her away further. She was really hurt by what I said. I feel like such an a-hole.
It is as if I was back to my "old, pre DB self" again. Right now, I am just out of steam and don't know if I have the strength to really try to put this together. I want to be a family, but I am real frustrated about our finances (don't know how I'm getting to work tomorrow), and although the last three days were great, I was a doormat prior to that. I almost feel like I am having a MLC. Well, it's really late. I wish I was in London now just so I can have some time to think.
