Last night H brings up the fear he has been hinting at lately = I'm so glad he verbalized it instead of keeping it in and randomly venting at me. He asked if I were going to blow my top and sue for more custody if he took S over night. I couldn't believe he would think I'd do that. I was as honest as I could be - if I saw any child abuse, that would be a different matter, but he has every legal and emotional right to spend time with S. I also said I just have felt like keeping S close to me because of the separation and all the hostility going on between us the past eight months. I said that frankly we should both keep an eye on each other that nobody takes out their anger on S.
I told him as long as I could trust him to keep whatever "adult" choices he's making (and I don't want to know if he's doing drugs or seeing women in his free time) away from S I would feel better.
This is tied to some horrible fights we've had where we both (but H is focusing on ME) have said things we didn't mean in anger and that he's concerned that if I get that angry again I may do something irrational.
Well I pointed out that we BOTH have had that tendency since splitting but I also listened and validated - saying I understood that if I made threats in anger of course he wouldn't know what to believe or that I could keep calm.
But the fact that he is asking me outright and respecting my answer shows that he is beginning to trust me some. Months ago, he would have assumed the worse of me and shut down. I hope that I have demonstrated my efforts to stay calm and cool and self respecting.
So I took my turn to speak up = I said that although he's focused on destructive patterns that started early on, I found a ton of old emails from him saying how much he missed me and couldn't wait to be with me all the time, etc. I thought he was having a selective memory. He owned up that the negative stuff was in such contrast to the positive stuff, it was hard to integrate.
I asked him for a memory - he mentioned "the first time I lost it at him" early on and how it made him feel. I listened and validated and said I was wrong and immature. After owning my part - HE OWNED PART TOO - admitting his reaction was probably cold and critical and even saw he may have been pushing my childhood buttons. He said he realized he could have "understood women" better and let it roll off his back more.
wowowowowow.
Still no romance, still no ILY or ML or even sleeping in same bed. But a big move toward intimacy and trust. Talked for hours. Listened a lot.
And I don't want to jinx it, but his constant anger and criticisms seem to be waning - dare I say gone - as he is quieter and calmer. I saw the old H peeking out - the sensitive one I used to love.
Today I'm mad at myself for all the ways I f***ed up post-bomb. I had huge temper tantrums. I slept with someone else. I screamed and threatened. He always had an abusive streak too - and can really push my buttons, but I let him and I never had the courage to look at my own part. Prebomb I wanted him to change first, now I'm changing first because I can't control if he'll change.
I also can't control if he'll forgive me. I think all the rage the past few months was his dysfunctional way of expressing all the hurt and anger at what I did. I don't know how I'll ever be forgiven.
i know he has been horrible too - and he's showing sigsn of seeing it. I think we're going to get through this = now that we are opening up again.
