Question

[Lucky11too]

That definitely is a battle to fight the bitterness and hatred. I fight it constantly whenever I think about OW. H gives me the same BS about how they are "just friends"(H had the nerve to tell me the other day when I made a comment about OW that I "just don't understand". Really.) The way I have found to combat it is really just some self talk...just reminding myself that the only one that is hurt by this bitterness is me. I'm the one sitting here upset and angry - not H and not OW! And frankly, after all the pain those 2 have put me thru, I'm not going to continue to let them make me miserable. I can either choose to let it eat away at me and be an angry and bitter person or I can choose to let it go and find the good in my life. It's almost like getting angry at getting angry and fighting back! These episodes of anger have gotten fewer and shorter now, but it's still a battle. I guess we each how to find a way that works for us, but it's something to try. It sounds like you are fighting that battle well already, so just keep it up!

And good job on not snooping. When facebook changed their privacy policies recently, I was soooo annoyed that I couldn't snoop on H and OW anymore. But really, it's been kind of a saving grace. Knowing and interpreting what H and OW were up to all the time was just so emotionally draining. Yes, I'm curious, but they are going to do what they are going to do and at this point, knowing was causing me more hurt. If and when it's time to move forward with the R, H will need to come clean and open so I can trust him again, but at this point, it's just causing undue pain. Have you felt that same relief?

[awest1217]

Lucky, it has been a relief to not read everything. I think at times I made things worse than they were, but either way it is one less thing for me to worry about. Right now I am happy and content with where I am, except for the parent teacher conferences I have to hold tonight :(, but otherwise things are great. I like where I am and how I have handled this situation. I may not have been perfect, but I could have done a lot more damage and haven't. Lucky you are right that bitterness is just another way of H and OW ruining my life some more. I am using this to make sure I deal with the anger before it becomes bitterness. It is ok to get angry. It is letting it fester and become bitterness that is the problem. I have talked a lot about the forgiveness book I read, and it talked about how bitterness is you putting yourself in a jail, and I don't ever want to do that. I just want to get angry, which I have a right to, then let it go here so that it doesn't become more.

EJohn - one good thing about my sitch is H never has S ever. He never has ever asked to see H alone so I don't have to worry about OW having him. I think this is because H knows he is doing wrong and just won't change so he doesn't want to be a bad influence. (at least I am hoping that is why). Also the FB thing, I have learned that I don't put anything on there about H. I have in the past and I hate when he comments that he likes stuff, like my pictures or my status. If he likes it so much he can talk to me in person, so I recommend to you to not use FB to vent, also not being friends anymore is not a bad thing. I would block H, but I feel it would set up back even more so I am just going to stick with no contact which means no negative contact either.

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I'd block H. Who cares if it sets you back. It makes you more mysterious. W and I have never even considered FB friending each other.

I've learned not to put any real feelings out there in the public. I use the messaging to talk to my sister and aunt, who have been a real help.

As far as S. Some guys just aren't comfortable around infants or small kids. He may want to step up more when S is up and runnning around.

He may still turn out to be a decent dad, or he may just drift away. What do you want him to do?

[awest1217]

Clinging, you have to remember that we have had FB for years so it isn't like I started FB since the separation. We have been FB friends since I got FB which is not too long after we got married. I understand the thing about being mysterious, but it would set us back a lot. I am waiting for the day he puts we are no longer married, but I don't think that will happen. He hasn't contacted a lawyer, only I have, and so I doubt we will ever D. I just have to wait for him to grow up.

As far as S, H is completely comfortable around him. During the few weeks where things were going well, H played video games with him (yes S can play), played music with him, played his "guys" with him, read to him, sang with him, etc. He knows how to be a good dad. I want him to be a dad all the time and not when it is convenient. He talks to OW multiple times during the day, why can't he take a few minutes to call and talk to S. (Yes S does talk on the phone). Even if it is just to say hi and I love you. Is that so hard? Or even call me to just talk about S, although I wouldn't answer right now since he has gone two weeks without any contact. He should call to make arrangements to see S even once a week, but he doesn't even ask. He will call OW and ask her to do stuff, but won't call to hang out with S. HE is ok to have OW at his house and spend the night, but he can't take his own S there for a few hours to spend time with him when I have agreed to make sure H has all the things S would need to have a good time, which isn't much because H and S just play and S enjoys it. H should be paying some type of support, I am only asking for $500 a month, which is what is recommended by the IN child support calculator. He doesn't pay for anything except for the months of October, November, and December.

H knows how to be a good dad because he was being one from November to December. He would at least see S twice a week and call to see how he was doing. Now once again there is nothing. I don't understand how he can say he loves him so much, misses him so much, and cries every night because he wants to be with him, but then won't even try. I have never denied him the opportunity to see S so it isn't like I would say no. He has a right to see S, but he won't even ask. That is what is wrong. He shouldn't say he misses S and how hard it is on him to be apart when he is not willing to even put aside a little time to be with him.

Sorry, but I am not asking for much, but maybe when there is nothing, even a little is a lot.

On a side note, got really mad because H posted something to one of my friends comments on FB, a friend that would like to give H a piece of his mind, and said it like nothing has ever changed...YEAH RIGHT! He needs to man up and admit his faults and at least show a little remorse or shame by not posting to people's walls that he knows can't stand him. UH!

Feel much better getting that out.

Parent teacher conferences went well, and only two more days then a 3 day weekend. Sledding, window shopping (no money except gift cards that I should probably save), cleaning, church, and possibly going to my grandma's.

[awest1217]

I forgot to put on here...

I didn't sleep much last night. It might be because I didn't get a chance to unwind after work since I didn't get home until late because of conferences, but I just have this feeling in my gut that something is up. I am not sure what, but something was keeping me up last night so I am praying whatever it is, I am able to overcome it. (Last time this happened, H came home...don't think this is the case, but H did have to tell the people whose house he is living in this week if he was going to start paying rent or move out...)

No expectations, but I like my life right now, and I don't want H to mess it up again until he is ready to change his life as well. Not saying that is what is going to happen, but something is definitely going on.

[ClingingToHope]

Nights are hard. I'm staying up later and later. I'm interested in how I sleep in the next couple of weeks now that it feels like I've turned a corner emotionally.

Now that it's about money it's as if the feelings are out of the process.

[EJohn]

I'm kinda glad that we're not fb friends anymore. Started out as a way to connect again and share pics of the kids, but it was hard to not look at what she was doing and saying, felt like snooping and I'd misread things occasionally. I was able to convince her that the post was about something else, it was about multiple things really, but wrong on my part. She did unblock me later in the day, but I won't do a friend invite. I let her do the initiate all contact.

I hope he comes around and spends more time with your S. He will regret it someday, but may never say it.

[awest1217]

Major huge question!

I got home today and there was a blank envelope in the mailbox with $700 check from H. I am really glad to get the check because I need the money, however we have not had any contact in almost two weeks. I tried to call him and text him to understand why it was so much. Like i have put before I am only looking for $500 a month. I don't know if he is giving more because I paid for all the Christmas presents, if it is because he hasn't given me anything for most of the time he has moved out and he is back paying, I don't know if there are strings attached, for example, I paid you now I get S whenever I want, or if this is some strategy to help him in a D. I just don't know and H won't talk to me about it. I called and called and called, and finally just left a message saying that he needs to call me back so we can talk about the logistics of what is going to be happening from here on out (a little of what you are doing Clinging).

So here is my question, should I keep any of the money or not (honestly I would only keep what I have asked for unless he told me why for the rest)? Considering I don't know anything at all about what is going on, his plans, nothing, or should I just give him the check back. I would give the check back because until I know what his motivation is, I don't want to get caught in a trap. Thoughts?

[awest1217]

To go along with the last post, I am very introspective and have been thinking all afternoon, "why does this bother me?" H has paid which I didn't expect and it is a good thing so why is it bothering me?

I think it bothers me for two reasons.

1. I have come to terms with H not being in our lives (mine and S) and I am really ok with it. Now that H has made this step, it has derailed that train. I was hoping that he would just leave us alone and when I got enough money we would D and he wouldn't bother us at all. He would keep his money, I would keep S and all would be good. S wouldn't have to ever worry about going back and forth.

2. H has really become like any other person so if anyone gave me this large a sum of money, I would want to know why. So I really want to know why it is more than usual and why he has given it to me when he won't talk to me or S and hasn 't tried to see S at all. I want to know his motivation.

I really do want my marriage to work and on that point it is a good step, but H is so manipulative, controlling, and an all around bad person. I have finally realized this and have decided I need him to change before I accept him back because otherwise to finally be honest with myself, I am allowing him to abuse me emotionally and mentally. It is not ok. I am worried this money is a way for him to gain control back.

Thoughts?

[Kemper]

Hey awest1217,

Unfortunately only he knows his motivation. However, I would say that regardless of if H sees S or not he IS still responsible for child support.

As far as the money goes if you can't get in touch with H could you deposit the check and then write him a check for $200 and mail it or drop it off? You said that you wouldn't have an issue if it was $500 but it concerns you that it is $700. Why not just take the $500 then and give back $200 if you can't contact him. At least this way you at least get what you were asking for.

I haven't read your whole sitch but #1 above bothers me. I realize that your H has probably not spent as much time with S as you would like him to. I also realize that your sitch like so many on here is probably filled with pain, anger, frustration, etc however, he is still your sons father. What you wrote about you keeping S and everything would be good because S wouldn't have to go back and forth, do you really think that is true? Do you really think your S not having a father in his life is in his best interest? It sounds rather selfish to me personally.

Please don't take what I said above the wrong way. If your H doesn't want to be a part of his sons life then that is his choice. I personally wouldn't defend his actions in that choice. However, growing up without a dad isn't any fun, believe me I know. I would have given almost anything to have my father or at least a father figure in my life growing up. However, my dad made his choice and I suffered the consequences of his choice. All I am asking is if your H does want to be a part of his sons life then by all means don't punish your son because of the relationship his parents have.