"I am not comfortable with the children staying with someone I do not know. I am available to watch them, especially if we coordinate a day or two in advance, (implying you have plans) and would love to spend time with them because they are my children. I would appreciate it if you asked me to babysit first. In particular, because of OM's police history, I don't feel the children are safe with him."
I did say this, but not before the restraining order comment.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
That, or something like it? Do you think you conveyed that? Communication is about getting your point across to the other person. If they don't understand your meaning, you haven't communicated well.
Tone and phrasing matter a lot.
Just things to think about.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I said that Michelle, but and it is a big but, I said the bit about the restraining order first. I first issued ultimatum and them backed up and set boundry. The damage was already done by the ultimatum.
I will reread this thread again, as I need to learn more.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
"You are hot, so very very hot, smart, have a great sense of humor, a great lover (best I have ever had), great cook, good mom, good friend, and someone that I am honored to have spent 14 years of my life with. With any luck I may be able to spend more.
I realize that I did not tell you these things enough before we separated, but that was not because I did not feel them. It was because I took it for granted that you knew how I felt. I took you for granted. If you cannot tell I do not plan on doing that anymore.
I have always been there to take care of you with physical needs and financial needs and for a time the emotional needs. I pushed the emotional needs to the back burner for a long time. Never again will I do that. I am here for you. I want you back. I will not hold any of this against you in the future. I want to hold you in my arms again and comfort you like in the beginning. I want you to hold me again when I am upset. We were good together once and have three wonderful children to prove it.
I want to be good together again.
It is rare in life when you meet the love of your life. I met her in you.
You make me want to be a better man. You are perfect in every way for me. You have always been the wife I wanted. You are beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving, strong, independent, well liked, motherly, and alway take care of your family.
You and the children will always come first from now until the end of time.
I know that you feel confused at the moment and I am sorry for that. I wish I could help you with that. I am here for you to lean on when you need me. I am here to listen with a kind ear if you need me to. I am not a perfect man so I cannot expect you to be a perfect woman. I will love you unconditionally and I will love you truely for the rest of our lives if you allow it.
I would appreciate a response of some sort when you get this. Even if it is just to say you got it.
Please think very hard about us, because I do want you and you are the only woman for me. I have failed to show that to you. I will prove it to you if you let me.
I am not afraid of failure if I can learn from it. I have learned that my priorities were not right for a long time and now they are. You are the number one priority, the kids number 2, and work number 3.
I have arms to hold you and they are empty at the moment, I have ears to hear you and the hear nothing at the moment, I have eyes to see you but they see no one right now.
Lets spend some time together so that we can begin to heal our marriage and make it the one we always wanted.
No one else can make us happy. Each person must make themselves happy. I am happier now that I have identified the areas of my life where I have screwed up. I want to share that happiness with you. I want to show you that I am dedicated to you and that you are the earth, sun, and moon to me. You are the center of my universe Jennifer. It is not out of panic that I say this, it comes from many hard hours of thinking, journalling, crying, and talking that I have come to this realization.
I understand that I have been pressuring you to give me your all right now. That was wrong. It took me a while to begin to make myself happy and discover what I truely want. It will take you a while. We will not be healed all at once. It will take baby steps. Lets start to take those steps again.
Steps:
1. Talk nicely to each other 2. Touch each other in kind but non-sexual ways 3. Spend time together 4. Limit relationship talks (this will come naturally in time) 5. No threats or ultimatums from either of us. 6. Being intimate if we can (massages, baths, cuddleing, sex if it feels right) 7. Call or text each other nightly to wish each other a good night or the next day to wish each other a good day 8. Find something to compliment the other about each time we see each other. 9. Find time to dedicate to the boys with both mom and dad together."
I know it is pursuing but she has said that she wants to be pursued some. I am trying to validate her and 180 on the things I did in the past before this all happened.
I will summarize all the advice I have received to date and see what I can use to my advantage.
On a very positive note she says she is happy to be starting IC.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
FWIW, if you want input from us, you can always post drafts here before sending them and get comments/edits.
I would definitely say that is a 180.
Don't believe what she says though, believe her actions. I know she said she wants to be pursued. But her actions seem to say that her fear of losing you is what will move her towards you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
"You are hot, so very very hot, smart, have a great sense of humor, a great lover (best I have ever had), great cook, good mom, good friend, and someone that I am honored to have spent 14 years of my life with. With any luck I may be able to spend more.
I realize that I did not tell you these things enough before we separated, but that was not because I did not feel them. It was because I took it for granted that you knew how I felt. I took you for granted. If you cannot tell I do not plan on doing that anymore.
I have always been there to take care of you with physical needs and financial needs and for a time the emotional needs. I pushed the emotional needs to the back burner for a long time. Never again will I do that. I am here for you. I want you back. I will not hold any of this against you in the future. I want to hold you in my arms again and comfort you like in the beginning. I want you to hold me again when I am upset. We were good together once and have three wonderful children to prove it.
I want to be good together again.
It is rare in life when you meet the love of your life. I met her in you.
You make me want to be a better man. You are perfect in every way for me. You have always been the wife I wanted. You are beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving, strong, independent, well liked, motherly, and alway take care of your family.
You and the children will always come first from now until the end of time.
I know that you feel confused at the moment and I am sorry for that. I wish I could help you with that. I am here for you to lean on when you need me. I am here to listen with a kind ear if you need me to. I am not a perfect man so I cannot expect you to be a perfect woman. I will love you unconditionally and I will love you truely for the rest of our lives if you allow it.
I would appreciate a response of some sort when you get this. Even if it is just to say you got it.
Please think very hard about us, because I do want you and you are the only woman for me. I have failed to show that to you. I will prove it to you if you let me.
I am not afraid of failure if I can learn from it. I have learned that my priorities were not right for a long time and now they are. You are the number one priority, the kids number 2, and work number 3.
I have arms to hold you and they are empty at the moment, I have ears to hear you and the hear nothing at the moment, I have eyes to see you but they see no one right now.
Lets spend some time together so that we can begin to heal our marriage and make it the one we always wanted.
No one else can make us happy. Each person must make themselves happy. I am happier now that I have identified the areas of my life where I have screwed up. I want to share that happiness with you. I want to show you that I am dedicated to you and that you are the earth, sun, and moon to me. You are the center of my universe Jennifer. It is not out of panic that I say this, it comes from many hard hours of thinking, journalling, crying, and talking that I have come to this realization.
I understand that I have been pressuring you to give me your all right now. That was wrong. It took me a while to begin to make myself happy and discover what I truely want. It will take you a while. We will not be healed all at once. It will take baby steps. Lets start to take those steps again.
Steps:
1. Talk nicely to each other 2. Touch each other in kind but non-sexual ways 3. Spend time together 4. Limit relationship talks (this will come naturally in time) 5. No threats or ultimatums from either of us. 6. Being intimate if we can (massages, baths, cuddleing, sex if it feels right) 7. Call or text each other nightly to wish each other a good night or the next day to wish each other a good day 8. Find something to compliment the other about each time we see each other. 9. Find time to dedicate to the boys with both mom and dad together."
I know it is pursuing but she has said that she wants to be pursued some. I am trying to validate her and 180 on the things I did in the past before this all happened.
I will summarize all the advice I have received to date and see what I can use to my advantage.
On a very positive note she says she is happy to be starting IC.
I understand, but I never said these things to her before so this is my try at a 180.
Michelle,
Tell me more about using this fear.
Also I just found out that she is using Facebook to flirt with 3 different men. All from her past, all platonic friends, and all over 300 miles away. Her and OM are now fighting. Could she be replacing the validation from OM with online validation?
And is this a good sign?
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
She will be seeking validation from other people until she faces her issues. It is not a good sign, it is a sign that she is acting co-dependent, that she believes other people can make her happy (not true).
Just look at what happens when you don't contact her for a while. She panics and contacts you seeking reassurance. You give her reassurance, things are good for a while, then she needs something else to bolster her self-esteem and she seeks it from some OM. You back off, she wants reassurance from you, rinse and repeat.
Does that about sum it up? So, how are you going to break the cycle?
Her starting counseling is great. You doing counseling is great. But it's not enough. You have to change how you interact with her. You have to push towards a healthy, non-co-dependent R.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
She also wanted me to come over for dinner tonight and to spend a couple of hours with her. I am busy (to be a little mysterious). She says she would like Saturday for whole family time and Sunday for just me and her. No staying the night either night.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
