was up there...now im down here.

[undrdg]

undrdg,

I envy you. I will soon be divorced myself and she is moving out this weekend. Sounds like you have more than a good chance at reconciliation.

In my case she told me we could still be friends but "on her terms only". Whatever that means. Right now she is acting like anything but a friend to me so I guess this wont be for a while and take a lot of PMA from me towards her to work.

I still wonder if being her friend after the divorce will even help me if she is in MLC or if going dark would be better. At least right now I don't think there is an OM, although Im not 100% sure about this.

I also have a bit of jealousy and I am working on that. If she finds an OM then it may rear it's ugly head but I doubt it. My friends and family are keeping me grounded right now.

Im too new and emotional to give advice but I would say that dday hit the nail on the head.

God I envy you undrdg. Wish I was at that stage. Ill probably never get there and have to move on to something new.

G450 there is nothing to envy believe me. Every situation is different as people are different. The best advice someone gave me was to be more than generous with what you give your ex. That helped me move into a very comfortable position. Be generous if you can, that is, but do not give more if more is not deserved, or if she poses some sort of threat. 23 years of marriage is nothing to ignore. Go and be the man. Give her more than she asks for and see how it goes.

Hey Undrdg -

Not sure I have advice, but I've got a very similar situation. Divorce isn't finalized, but we're not "working on it" - and I haven't thought of myself as actively DBing for some time.

At the same time, we've spent time together recently, going to movies, I took her to a New Year's party, etc. I've been going to the house for dinner regularly, etc. Yeah, I go over there and watch Heros with her.

So, yeah, I don't know what I'm doing either.

W - well, I guess STBX now - starting talking about delaying the divorce among other things, and in the next conversation, she pulled that back. She misses me, she wants me around, she likes doing things with me, she has second thoughts but is confused. And she said, she's got emotions that have nothing to do with anybody else - she's got things of her own to sort out.

Why do I participate in this? I suspect the answers are comfort, familiarity, etc.

Why do you particiate it in? I'm interested to know.

I don't think it's healthy. That jealousy you feel, how long can you live with it? I've got anger, and I feel like appearing to accept certain things erodes my self-respect.

I don't know, maybe our goals are different (you and I, I mean). I'm convinced I need to move on but I'm doing a poor job of it. I've been back and forth on the spectrum over the last months, but haven't been consistant. Maybe like how an addict experiences a relapse.

Sorry, none of this is advice. What do you think?

Bill M sounds like you are the reverse of me. What it sounds like to me is that you say you want to move on, but you don't really want to. This comfort thing that everyone talks about, I don't think its comfort, or history, or whatever, its love. How can it not be? You aren't comfortable with someone the very first day you meet them. you are quite the opposite. It sounds to me like you still lover her. maybe start again and go slow.

I am headed over there now to make dinner. Watch tv and head home. I will post more later.